One Bad Seed
by DiscordantHarmony426
Summary: Lola Loud thought she was living a perfect fairy-tale life. Well, it's time for her delusions to come crashing down. This fanfic takes place 30 years after the events of The Loud House.
1. A Cause For Alarm

**This story is formatted similar to Sycophant. The story is spilt up into 2 acts. Act 1 is the backstory, while act 2 is the aftermath. There is also going to be chapter synopses, quotes and author's notes. For this story, I'm also adding quotes and sneak previews of the next chapters. I hope to end this fanfiction on a high note. With that, lets get into the story.**

 **"A lot of tragedy can befall us, but there's always something else; there's always hope." -Chris Pine**

 **Chapter Synopsis: We meet a strange being in dimension D2-DH426, who regales us with a tale of tragedy**

* * *

We see some sort of library with a galaxy-themed background. Suddenly, a disembodied voice speaks to us.

Oh, I didn't see you there. Well, welcome. I am DiscordantHarmony426. And this is my home dimension, The Dimension of Duality, or D2-DH426, for those of you who use OU designations. Why is it called that? Because, for this dimension to even exist, there must always be 2 opposing forces in balance. Protagonist vs Antagonist, Order vs Chaos, Matter vs Antimatter, you get the idea. _Isaac Newton_ said it best in his third law of motion, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. This is the Library, consisting of all of the tales I've regaled to you guys.

We see a shelf filled with 8 books, it pulls out the first one.

"Sycophant, the magnum opus of my collection. This sure brings back some memories…but you've heard this story before, so I won't bore you with the details."

It puts the dark blue book back in its place. It goes to the end of the collection and pulls out a light pink book. It has an elegant design of a heart on it, the left side is colored a darker shade of pink, while the right side is colored dark blue, the same shade of dark blue that the "Sycophant" book has.

"You know, I am both 50% male and 50% female, and yet, I'm also 50% gendered and 50% agendered, as well as being 50% gaseous form and 50% plasmatic form, strange, huh? Of course, I can change my appearance to whatever I want." It explains to us

It now turns its attention to the book.

"This book is the last one I have in my collection currently."

The Intro Story theme from _Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door_ begins to play…

"This story is about how one female's desire for the thing she covets most both redeems her and destroys her. The title of this tragic tale is "One Bad Seed", now let us begin."

* * *

It opens the book, we suddenly get thrust into the world of One Bad Seed. It looks like a Loud House story, because we're in Royal Woods, Michigan, but the style is comic book-like. Suddenly, police sirens deafen the night sky!

"Unit 444 is responding to a disturbance at 1432 Lacrimal Lane."

"Advised, unit 444, be on guard. A neighbor heard gunshots, suspect is presumed armed and dangerous, sending backup."

Unit 444 speeds on over to 1432 Lacrimal Lane. Other officers are already dispatched to the scene, having secured the area with police tape! Unit 444 gets out of his squad car and talks to the detective.

"What does it look like, detective?" Unit 444 asks

"Well, we have a triple homicide. The perpetrator killed everyone except the mother of the family. She's being consoled by her sisters and brother, as well as her in-laws."

Unit 444 goes over to the massive crowd of people. He eventually makes it to said person, still grieving over the loss of her family.

"Hey, I know this is hard for you, but can you come down to the station so we can ask you some questions?"

"Sure…" The woman says despondently

Unit 444 escorts her to the police station in their squad car. The woman enters the station and waits in the visitor's area. The interrogator calls her into the room. She enters the room and sits down.

"So, what happened?"

"I'll tell you everything, but I will start at the beginning…"

The scene transitions to a sunny day. We see a familiar building with the number "1216" on it. In the front yard are those twins…

* * *

 **Preview**

"It all started when that new family moved in."

The screen pans over to show the Yates family.

* * *

 **Author's Note: Most of act 1 will be in a first person perspective, while act 2 will be from a third person perspective.**


	2. Geminos

**"There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship." -Thomas Aquinas**

 **Chapter Synopsis: A new family moves into the neighborhood, but don't they look familiar...?**

* * *

"It all started when that new family moved in."

The screen pans over to show the Yates family.

"No, not them."

The screen pans to the right past a few houses. And we see another family, just as chaotic as the Louds, but surprisingly, Mr. Grouse hasn't yelled at them yet.

"Well Lynn, I don't know why you'd want to move here, there's a chaotic family, a curmudgeon that yells at people, and a seemingly perfect family. Well they are, but their smiles creep me out. Oh well, good luck." Said the guy operating the moving truck. The new family moves a massive number of boxes into the house. Once the truck was emptied, it drives off.

"Hey, do you think our parents are going to throw the new neighbors a housewarming party?" A girl with a disgusting red cap and overalls streaked with mud enquired.

"Maybe daddy will give them his famous lasagna, just like the last time new neighbor's moved in." I responded to my sister

As if on cue, Rita and Lynn Sr go over to their new neighbors and, just as I said, he has a pan of his signature 13-layer lasagna. They enter the neighbor's home and it looks like it was torn up inside, judging from the small glimpses we saw.

"Wow, it seems you have your hands full." Lynn Sr commented

"You don't know the half of it." The man responded

"It's impressive how so alike we look!" The man continued "I am Lynn Loud Sr."

"What a coincidence, that's my name, too!"

"Wait, what is your wife's name?"

"Rita." Both of the Lynn Sr's answered in unison

"Wow, are you sure you're not a clone from one of Levi's/Lisa's inventions?" Both of them asked

"Wait, say that again?" Rita asked Lynn Sr

"Sure, I said, "are you sure you're not a clone from one of Levi's inventions?"" Lynn Sr restated

"Levi…what does he look like?" Rita asked

"Levi! Come down here, we have guests!" Rita yelled at him

A small brown-haired child comes down. He's wearing a lab coat and has a hairstyle similar to Lisa.

"What is it, matriarchal unit? I was just about to finish my arradiation experiment. I was just about to find a way to make radon stable!" Levi interjected. He notices the 2 Lynn Srs and 2 Ritas "Oh dear, it appears my cloning machine self-operated while you were sleeping, parental units. Don't worry, I can reverse the process!"

"This isn't an experiment! These are our neighbor's, the Louds." Rita explained

"Remarkable, they have the same name as us?" Levi questioned

"It seems that everyone likes your lasagna, Lynn."

The screen cuts to show 8 boys scarfing down Lynn Sr's lasagna.

"Yeah…anyway, nice to meet you, neighbors." Rita exclaimed

"Likewise." Lynn Sr responded

Rita and Lynn Sr left the new neighbor's house. Everyone in the Loud house resumes their original antics until dusk. Everyone then goes to bed for the night.

The next day…

* * *

"Kids, get up, time for school!" Lynn Sr bellowed

The Loud siblings get ready for school and leave. Thanks to the scene transition, we arrive at Royal Woods Elementary and see that we are in a first-grade classroom, it seems we're stuck with the twins…

"Kids, we have 2 new students joining us today." The teacher announced "Students, introduce yourselves."

"Sure, I'm Lexx Loud!" One of the boys yelled boisterously

"And… I'm Leif…" The other boy responded

"Why don't you try and play with the other kids?" The teacher advised

"Gladly!" Lexx stated confidently

Lexx and Leif move forward, but while Lexx intermingles with the rest of his classmates, Leif offshoots from him and begins doodling on a piece of paper on an adjacent desk.

Lexx notices us, he talked to me first.

"Hey beautiful, didn't see you there, I'm Lexx."

"And I'm not interested."

Lexx continues, not noticing I rejected him.

"Well, Not Interested, don't be like that! I just want to be your friend."

"Look, I'm sure you're nice, but I don't want to be your friend. I already have friends."

"Oh, then I'll just befriend them."

He shifts his focus to my sister, he seems noticeably different when he looked at her.

"Hi, I'm Lexx."

"I'm Lana."

"Well, Lana...are you friends with her?" He said while gesturing to me

"No, that's my sister…" Lana responded with an unamused expression

"Oh, I'm sorry… I didn't know…" He said meekly

"…That's ok."

"Do you want to hang out with me?"

"Sure?"

Lexx and Lana go to another part of the room. I approached Leif.

"Hey, whatcha doing?"

"Doodling."

I glance at his paper. It's homework…

"Why aren't you hanging out with Lexx? He's the popular brother."

"Because I want to hang out with you." I replied

Leif glances at me in surprise.

"Seriously? I'm not really as interesting as my twin brother."

"Yeah? Well, I'm overshadowed by my twin sister."

Lana heard that and took offense, she walks up to Leif.

"Actually, that's not true, Lola here is a pageant powerhouse, so she's definitely not "overshadowed."" Lana corrects, then goes back to hanging out with Lexx

"Ok, everyone, lunch time." The teacher announced

* * *

Everyone breaks for lunch. Lana goes over to me.

"So, what do you think of those brothers?" I asked

"They're cool, I guess." Lana responded "So, what are you going to do about Leif?"

"Don't worry, I have a plan."

Screen cuts to the cafeteria, we see Leif and Lexx having lunch together.

"So, what's your plan?"

I whisper it to her.

"I don't think you should do that." Lana advised "But it's not like you listen to me anyway. Well, I guess Principal Huggins will enjoy seeing you in detention. I'm going to hang out with Lincoln now. See you."

I go up to Leif and give him a friendly dig in the arm, just like how my sister, Lynn, does it.

 **THWACK!**

"OW!" Leif yelped "What was that for, Lola?!"

"I was just giving you a dig in the arm…" I responded

"You just punched me in the shoulder! I would hardly call that "friendly""! Leif admonished me

"I guess I don't know my own strength…" I retreat back to my seat. I write a note to Leif and tape it to a piece of corn on the cob. I lob it at him, hoping it would land in his lunch tray…it hit him in the back of the head, instead…

Leif angrily got up and yelled at me.

"What is wrong with you?! I thought you wanted to be my friend?!"

"I do!" I pleaded with him

"All you're doing is bullying me!"

Lexx gets up at the mention of this. He approached Leif.

"Do you want me to teach her a lesson, little bro?"

"No, Lexx. I got this."

Lexx heads back to his seat.

"Why are you picking on me?" Leif asked, annoyed

"Because I want to be your friend, and I wanted to get your attention…"

"I remember hearing something like this. Luckily, my brother, Lane, made a list of rules. He calls them the "Rules of Rozanski", and rule number 34, according to him, and paraphrased by my brother, is that if a girl bullies you it does NOT mean they like you, so tell me, do you like me, as a friend?"

"Yes."

"Then apologize."

"Fine…I'm sorry for hurting you, Leif…"

"You vow to stop beating up boys that you like?"

"Yes."

Leif thinks about this for a moment. I await his answer in fearful anticipation…

"Ok, I forgive you."

"So… are we friends now?" I asked

Leif nods.

Lunch ends, and the rest of the school day proceeds as normal. All of our siblings return to the Loud house. I think that this is the start of a beautiful friendship.

* * *

 **Preview**

"Oh, hey Lola, I set up a game for us to play. Do you want to join me?"

* * *

 **Author's Note: Here is a list of the known Rules of Rozanski. Provided by Jonathan, but told to us and numbered by Lane.**

 **1\. Believe it or not, not all defense clients are Matt Engarde.**

 **2\. The only humor derived from disgust is from Inside Out.**

 **3\. Jealousy between pets equates to misery for us.**

 **4\. If a person is a total bastard, then why doesn't he get what's coming to him?!**

 **9\. Using your 3rd genie wish to reset everything is cliché and trite, stop doing it.**

 **10\. Playing "babble like an idiot" toward your crush isn't cute, it's stupid.**

 **11\. Real life doesn't have a reset button, why do animated shows get a pass?**

 **12\. If you do an Aesop, make sure it makes sense first.**

 **13\. If you go through hell, what more is there to do...**

 **18\. Squidward's life sucks, but we all grow up to be Squidward, so we should sympathize with him when SpongeBob harasses him.**

 **20\. Pain isn't funny (slapstick is, but not true pain).**

 **21\. Idiocy isn't funny.**

 **22\. Sitcoms should have died out in the 90s, their tropes haven't.**

 **24\. Correlation does not equal causation.**

 **25\. Stop with the facial zoom for dramatic exposition, Family Guy ruined this trope already.**

 **26\. If you mock the haters, they'll hate you more.**

 **27\. Rape is evil and there are no double standards.**

 **29\. If Lincoln jumpscaring Lori is scarier than when FNAF does it, then this is proof of a dead trope.**

 **30\. Obi Wan could have easily killed Darth Vader, why did he sacrifice himself?!**

 **32\. Rap is just a way for old people to seem hip and rad with the edgy youths of today, in reality, no one is cool when they use rap.**

 **33\. Stop repeating the same thing over and over, it was annoying when Blinded By The Light did it, and it's still annoying now!**

 **34\. When someone of the opposite sex beats you up, that doesn't mean they like you.**

 **41\. If I love the show, I'll watch it.**

 **45\. People have different vocal ranges, so keep that in mind when body swapping.**

 **49\. Sorry kid, but not being homeless is more important than your fleeting activity.**

 **50\. When you kill someone off in a story, make sure that they STAY dead**


	3. An Eventful Night

**"Everyone knows that if you've got a brother, you're going to fight." -Liam Gallagher**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Lola goes over to their new neighbor's house to hang out with her new friend**

* * *

"We started hanging out more, but we were still acquaintances, more or less, until one day, Leif suggested that I should come over to his house and that he should come over to mine. I believe that he used the word "playdate" to describe what he was suggesting. What does he think we are? A pair of 6-year-olds? Either way…"

Scene transition to Lola and Lana's classroom. We see that the quartet are conversing with one another…

"We've been friends for a few days now, so I've been thinking…do you want to come over sometime?" Leif asked me

"Yeah, sure Leif, you don't think that this wonderful lady would be able to survive our house. No, our brothers would destroy them easily." Lexx chastised "There are 10 of us, you're just lucky that you encountered us first. A chivalrous knight and…

Lexx glances over at his brother.

"This wimpy loser that I have the privilege of escorting. He is definitely the most feminine of our brothers. If I wasn't around, the rest of our brothers would definitely beat him up for being unmanly, or just haze him for the rest of their life, whichever works for them."

Leif gives an annoyed expression to Lexx, who simply shrugs it off. Leif interjected.

"Anyway, Lola, want to see what it's like in our house?"

I pondered it for a moment before eventually answering with…

"Yes."

"Great, we'll tell our parents and maybe we can convince them. If you can convince them, then everything will be all set up." Leif said enthusiastically

"Should I bring anything?"

"Only yourself."

* * *

After school, we went our separate ways. I tried to convince my father to let me hang out with Leif at their house. I waited for him to help Linky with one of his 5th grade projects. Now that's rare, one of our parents helping our brother? Usually our sisters freeze him out completely. But I digress. I went up to my father, put on my best puppy-dog eyed face and said…

"Daddy, can I hang out with my friend today?"

He gave a slightly annoyed look.

"No, Lola. Besides, your puppy-dog eye trick won't work on me anymore."

"Why not?"

"Don't make me have a flashback."

We see Lynn Sr's flashback, which consists of Lola trying to extort various things from him.

"Daddy, can I have $50 dollars?"

"What for?"

"Emergencies."

"…Fine."

"Daddy, can I have a new dress?"

"What's wrong with the other ones?"

"I wore all of them already."

"Just reuse one."

Lola scoffs at her father's ignorance.

"Lola Loud does not reuse a dress she already wore."

Lynn Sr sighs.

"Fuchsia?"

"Magenta, please."

"Daddy, can I have a pony?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"I won't torment the rest of my siblings for the rest of the month."

Lynn Sr thinks about what to do next…he eventually gives in and says…

"Actually, yes, my little girl, wait right here and I'll get you a pony."

Lola's eyes light up in awe.

"YES! Thank you, thank you, thank you, daddy! I promise to take care of it."

Lynn Sr drives off. About 45 minutes later, he comes back with a Princess Pony™ stuffed plushie.

"Here you go, sweetie."

"Is this the G3 version?! Awesome! Thanks again!"

The flashback ends.

"Come on, I really want to hang out with my friend!" I urged him

"Tell you what, if his parents say it's ok, then I'll allow it."

The telephone rings, Lynn Sr answered it.

"Loud Residence. Lynn speaking."

Muttering is heard on the phone.

"Huh, yeah. Oh really, he did, did he? Ok, well, I'll allow it. Thanks for telling me. Goodbye."

He hangs up.

"That was our new neighbors, they said one of their sons convinced them to have a playdate with you."

All of the siblings congregated at the kitchen, having heard the word "date".

"Well, who's the unlucky boy?"

"It's Winston, of course!"

I stopped their conversations and set the record straight.

"No, guys. It's not a date, I'm just going over to the new neighbor's house to hang out with one of my friends from school."

"I've heard that our new neighbors have 10 sons. The way you look, Lola…you are definitely going to be raped." Lori said while chuckling

No one else is laughing. Luan eventually butted in.

"Wow. I may be into dark humor, but that's just horrible."

"Lori, that was uncalled for." Lynn Sr reprimanded "You're grounded for potentially traumatizing Lola…and any other siblings within earshot."

"I was just trying to lighten the mood…" Lori said as she left

Lana approached me.

"Hey, don't let whatever Lori was talking about get to you, just enjoy yourself. I'm going to go with you. You know, just to keep you out of trouble."

"Thanks, sis."

"No problem. Now let's go."

* * *

We went across the street and 2 houses to the right. 2128 Franklin Avenue. We knock on the door, which Lexx answered.

"Welcome Lola, I…"

He glances leftward and saw Lana.

"I didn't know you were bring a guest along with you. Well, Leif is in the living room, so you guys can hang out or…whatever."

Lexx heads upstairs. Lana and I enter the house. Leif is playing a video game. It looks like just a list of some sort.

"Oh, hey Lola, I set up a game for us to play. Do you want to join me?"

"Sure?"

I grab a controller and sit alongside him.

"This game is a classic. Right now, we're in what's called Event Matches. So, are you ready for a friendly competition?

"Yeah, let's do it."

"Alright, here are the controls. You move the grey analog stick to move, press "A" for basic attacks, "B" for special attacks, "X" or "Y" to jump, "R" or "L" to shield and finally, "Z" to grab. Got all that?"

"Yes."

"Ok, so there are 51 event matches, so I go first and gets as far as possible without losing once. Then, you play, starting from event 1, you beat me if you managed to surpass my record."

Leif plays and manages to get to 12.

"As you can see I'm not very good at this game, but it's fun. Actually, believe it or not, both Lane and Linka were the ones to unlock all 51 events, so if you want a challenge, speak to them."

I start playing the game, and breeze through the first 10 events easily.

"Hey bro, our parents wanted to not mess up the house any more than usual today, do you know why…"

The person, who is one of Leif's older brothers, notices me playing the game.

"What's going on, bro? And how did they get in?"

"Loni, this is my classmate, Lola. And Lexx let them in."

"Oh, hi Lola!" Loni said cheerfully. He walks back upstairs.

"Hey guys, Leif has a girl downstairs!"

All of the brothers descend to the first floor.

"So, Romeo, how did you manage to get a girl in here?"

"Not now, Loki, we're having a contest!" Leif informed him

"Oh, that game. I remember playing that."

"Guys, please, don't interfere, I want the results to be as non-biased as possible!"

"Sure, we won't interfere…"

"Ah, thanks Luke…"

"Once you kiss her."

"Come on, Lynn, that's not funny!"

I ignore the brothers' banter as I finish beating event match 15. Technically, I could've stopped there, but I wanted to see how far I could go.

"Wow, event 16, she already beat your personal best!"

"Well, I guess she won the contest."

I beat event 17, the brothers are impressed.

"Wow, that one is usually rigged."

Event 18 was hard, but I managed to barely beat it.

"Even I had trouble with that one! She's really good at this game!" Lane praised

"Yeah, and this is her first time playing it!"

"WHAT?!"

"She's a newbie?! And she's already made it to event 21?! Dang!" Luke commented

"What's going on, bros?"

A streak of orange glides down the staircase.

"Oh, hey Linka, Leif invited his classmate and her sister over to our house to hang out, and she's already beat him in a contest they had."

"Really, let me see?"

She sees that I made it to event 23.

"Wow, event 23. That one is really hard. I managed to make it through the entire gambit once, but let's just see if you can get past…"

I die on the match.

"…never mind. I was going to say 36." Linka finishes "Ok, bros. Let's leave the besties to develop their friendship."

All of the siblings, sans Leif, leave.

"Ok, Lola. I admit you're better than me at this game. I don't want to keep you any longer than I have to. After all, your parents must be worried about you. Well, it was nice playing with you…Lola…" Leif said

"Well, let's go." Lana interjected

Both of us return home and go upstairs

"So, how was it?" Leni asked

"It was fun."

* * *

 **Preview**

"Lisa, I think your deoxyribonucleic-acid duplication device malfunctioned! There are 2 Lolas and 2 Lanas!"

"How come you can say "Deoxyribonucleic" and not understand simple English?"

"That's not the point! You're the only one who can merge Lola into one being!"

* * *

 **Author's Note: Even though Lola abhors Princess Pony, it's only generation 4 she hates. Generation 4 is so sickeningly saccharine that she could get diabetes just from looking at it! It also talks down to the audience about how stupid they are by hammering the point that this series is about friendship. Generation 3 however, she loves. Simply put, Generation 4 of Princess Pony is similar to Generation 3 of My Little Pony and inversely, Generation 3 of Princess Pony is synonymous with Generation 4 of MLP. What makes this doubly ironic is that Lucy loves G4PP.**

 **So, remember in One of The Boys when Leif said this?**

 **"Pile on Romeo!"**

 **Well, it seems the tables have turned this time, as the brothers have a new "Romeo" to tease... karma sucks, doesn't it, Leif? Though to be fair, this is also an alternate dimension parallel to the canonical Loud House.**


	4. Imaginative Insanity

**"This world is but a canvas to our imagination."-Henry David Thoreau**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Leif hangs out with Lola, but how will they deal with the chaos of 10 siblings?**

* * *

"It has been a week ever since I hung out with Leif and trounced him in the competition 23-12. I had to admit, it was pretty fun, playing that game alongside him. No wonder he says it's a classic, everyone loves it. I even heard that this game is so awesome, that it even has gaming tournaments dedicated to it. But Leif said that "filthy casuals" aren't allowed in competitive play. Hearing that some diehard fans act like this when they're "in the zone", as he says, we decide to just keep playing for fun. Either way, I went to his house for a play date. Now it's time for him to visit mine."

Scene transition to Lola and Lana's room.

"So, it's time for Leif to hang out with you. Right, sis?" Lana asked me

"Yep. Everything's already set up. We both convinced our parents to have him hang out with me here. It should be amazing, since it's Saturday, so we don't have to worry about homework."

"You told our siblings about this, right Lols?"

"…"

"Oh boy, today is going to be interesting."

* * *

A knock is heard at the door.

"I'll get it!" I shout, as I head down to the first floor. Unfortunately for me, a certain other sister answered it before I could.

Leni opens the door and sees Leif and Lexx standing in the doorway.

"Hello, is Lo- "

Leni interrupts him to say something only Leni would say.

"Lola, Lana, did you two get a haircut?"

Both of them look dumbfounded at her statement. I get in between them and break their silence.

"No, Leni. This is Leif and Lexx, they're the new neighbor's kids. I invited Leif…

Lexx interrupts me.

"…And I invited myself. I can't let the princess hurt my little bro, can I?"

"Right, but you don't have to worry about that, Lexx. We're just going to have some fun in my room."

He scoffs at me.

"In YOUR room?"

"Well, where else would we hang out?"

"How about the living room, backyard, front yard or dining room?"

"Because the things I want to do only need 2 people, not 12."

"Lame excuse, but I really don't care anymore."

"Good, because I can handle myself." Leif interjected

Lexx hangs around the living room. Leni heads upstairs and heads left, while I escort Leif to the room Lana and I share. I lead him to the play table in my room. We both sit across from each other.

* * *

"Today, I invited you over for a tea party, isn't that great?"

"Is this it?" he replied unenthused.

"Just give it a try and maybe you'll like it." I reassured him

"Ok."

I pour some tea for him and myself.

"Sugar?"

"2"

I pour 2 sugar cubes into his teacup and slide it over to him. He drinks it.

"Hey, this is actually pretty good."

"Really? Thanks!"

Suddenly, a voice shouts out…!

"Lisa, I think your deoxyribonucleic-acid duplication device malfunctioned! There are 2 Lolas and 2 Lanas!"

"How come you can say "Deoxyribonucleic" and not understand simple English?"

"That's not the point! You're the only one who can merge Lola into one being!"

Lisa and Leni enter my room…

"Where is the double, bratty sibling?" Lisa postulated

I scoff at her.

"First, I'm not bratty, I'm sassy!"

"No, you aren't." Lisa countered

"And second, your machine didn't malfunction, none of us know how to use it!"

"True, so then, who is that?" Lisa said, pointing to Leif

"That's Leif, he's one of our new neighbor's kids. I invited him to hang out with me."

Lisa turns to Leni.

"You dim bulb! Why did you waste my time on a false alarm? Get out of my sight!"

Leni runs back to her room crying.

"Sorry you had to see that, carry on with your daytime merriment." Lisa advised as she headed back to her room

Another door is heard opening, I see Linky run by our room, no doubt to console Leni.

"Your siblings are an interesting bunch." Leif noted

"And you haven't even seen half of them yet." I reminded him "So, have you gotten bored yet?"

"Sorry to say, but yes, this is kind of boring."

"Fair enough, a tea party is not for everyone. How about this, we use our…

I make a gesture with my hands, going up, and spreading outward, like a rainbow.

"…imagination."

"Wow, you even did the _SpongeBob_ hand gesture! Great, but what should our imaginary adventure be about?"

* * *

"I have an idea, wait here."

I managed to intercept Linky after he was done consoling Leni. He was heading back to his room before I stopped him.

"Linky, can you help me entertain my guest? I want you to draft some of the siblings to help out too." I begged him

"Sure Lola, I'll rally the siblings." He said as he went off to recruit some helpers.

I head back to our room and inform Leif what is going on.

"Ok, my brother is going to get some actors for our adventure."

Lincoln comes back with Lucy, Lynn, Luna and of course, himself.

"I got it."

* * *

I began narrating the adventure. The scene transitions to a fantasy setting.

"All was well in the kingdom of Lola-caster until darkness clouded the sky. A massive wave of death and destruction seemingly headed to the castle where the beautiful princess Lola and her loyal arch-mage Leif were. The castle was under siege by the evil lich queen, Lucy! With her undead servants and retainer. It seems a fated final battle is inevitable…

(Scene transitions to the interior of the castle where Lola and Leif are battling Lucy)

The theme " _When Blood Dries_ " begins to play…

Lich Queen attacks!

Lola used Purity Purge!

Lucy takes 28160 damage!

Leif used Absolute Zero!

Lucy takes 18372 damage!

"Lucky shots, now let's see if you can handle this!"

Lich Queen used Necross Me!

Lich Queen summoned Acrimancer and Desiccstroyer!

Lola used Burn Away!

All enemies take 36829 damage!

Leif used Sacred Light on Lich Queen!

Lich Queen takes 29491 damage!

Lich Queen became petrified!

Acrimancer used Brown Note!

Lola resists the attack!

Leif is stricken with fear!

Desiccstroyer used Brutalize!

Leif takes 9999 damage!

Leif was knocked unconscious!

Lich Queen used Roil!

Lola takes 2938 damage!

Lola is inflicted with poison!

Lola takes 128 poison damage!

Lola used Sacrificial Blast!

All enemies take 69313 damage!

Acrimancer used Poisonlett!

Lola takes 17838 damage!

Lola was knocked unconscious!

* * *

"But just before the world fell to darkness, a piercing light burned away the stench of despair."

"I won't let my friends, no, the whole world, fall into your hands!"

Lola and Leif were restored to full HP!

Lana joined the party!

"How dare you interfere, knave! Go, my retainer! Silence this warrior forever!"

The final battle theme from PMTTYD begins to play!

Lana used Tri-slash on Desiccstroyer!

Desicctroyer takes 26340 damage!

Desicctroyer crumbles to dust!

Leif used Searing Storm!

All enemies take 31293 damage!

Acrimancer's and Desicctroyer's ashes were burnt away!

Lola used Healing Wave!

All allies recover 9999 HP!

Knight of Nocturne used Soul Strip on Lola!

Lola takes critical damage!

Lola is knocked unconscious!

Leif used Plasma Strike on Lich Queen!

Lich Queen takes 36632 damage!

Lich Queen crumbles to dust!

Lana used Tit-for-Tat!

Lana is ready to counter attacks!

Knight of Nocturne used Penta-slash!

Lana takes 93743 damage!

Lana was knocked unconscious!

Leif used Infernal Tower on Lich Queen!

Lich Queen's ashes were burnt away!

The spell the Lich Queen cast on the knight was broken!

You Win!

* * *

"And with that, the Lich Queen's reign of terror was put to an end. Her undead minions returned to the earth from whence they came, once she was vanquished. All of the heroes were able to recover from the battle afterwards. The knight left for parts unknown and the kingdom of Lola-caster, as well as the entire world was safe."

"Wow, that was incredibly fun, thanks Lola!"

"Don't thank me, thank Lincoln and the rest of our sisters."

"Well, thanks Lincoln and others. I thought this was just going to be a boring old tea party, but I'm glad I was wrong. Well, we had better go back home."

"And with that, Leif and Lexx went back to their house. We both enjoyed our time together. But now, I should spend some time with my family. I'll see you soon."

* * *

 **Preview**

"The FITNESSGRAM/PACER test is a multi-stage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20-meter PACER test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal [blip sound]. A single lap should be completed every time you hear this sound [bell dinging sound]. Remember to run in a straight line and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word "start". On your mark…get ready… START!"

* * *

 **Author's Note: In the imagination land, every enemy Lola and Leif fight are undead. A particularly cruel aspect of the undead is that when Lola or Leif kills them, they're still alive! If Lola or Leif don't use a fire based attack within 1 turn of knocking the undead enemy down, they'll revive with ALL of their HP back!**

 **Here's a list of the attacks used in the fight:**

 **Purity Purge: Light based attack that deals massive damage to a single enemy.  
** **Absolute Zero: The strongest ice based attack. It deals massive damage to a single enemy. It has a 20% chance to inflict freeze.  
** **Necross Me: Summons undead. The name is a portmanteau of the words "never cross me" and "necromancy".  
** **Burn Away: AOE fire based attack that has a 33% chance to inflict burn.  
** **Sacred Light: The strongest light based attack. It deals massive damage to a single enemy. It has an 80% chance to inflict petrify on undead enemies.  
** **Brown Note: Has a 66% chance to inflict fear on an enemy.  
** **Brutalize: A multi-hit physical attack.  
** **Roil: Poison based attack that has a 90% chance to inflict poison.  
** **Sacred Light: AOE magic attack that gets stronger the less total HP the party has. If a party member is knocked out, the damage gets multiplied. The highest multiplier is 4.  
** **Poisonlett: A poison based attack that deals more damage if the enemy is poisoned. Think Venoshock from Pokémon. The name is a portmanteau of the words "poison" and "bloodletting".  
** **Tri-Slash: A 3 hit strike. Counts as a physical attack.  
** **Searing Storm: AOE fire based attack. Burn Away is this attack's stronger version.  
** **Healing Wave: Heals the party based on the healer's magic stat.  
** **Soul Strip: Has a 61% chance to instantly kill an enemy. Very powerful ghost based magic attack.  
** **Plasma Strike: Electric based attack that has a 42% chance to inflict paralysis.  
** **Tit-for-Tat: Lets the user counterattack after an enemy. Does not counter instant kill moves or killing blows.  
** **Penta-Slash: A 5 hit strike. Counts as a magic attack.  
** **Infernal Tower: Fire based attack that deals massive damage to a single target.**

 **Note that Lola's party is at level 99 during the fight, the maximum level they can be.**

 **Here are the bios for all the imagination land characters.**

 **Lola: The princess of Lola-caster. She is a bit of a brat but she has a kind heart (unlike her canon counterpart) and helps defend her kingdom alongside her retainers. She knows a bit of magic that can help the party out in a pinch.**

 **Leif: Lola-caster's archmage. He taught princess Lola how to use magic. He knows the strongest magical spells ever cast and won't hesitate to use them on anyone who dares attack his princess' realm. Unfortunately, he can't take a punch...**

 **Lana: The leader of Lola-caster's army. She is the strongest soldier that Lola-caster has. Despite being the second-in-line for the throne, she prefers to be on the front lines, much to the dismay of the royal court. The other knights used to look down on her for being a girl (as well as the princess' twin sister, most people can barely tolerate her) but Lana has defeated all the other knights easily and now, she trains them. Nowadays, getting praise from her is pretty much bragging rights for any knight.**

 **Lich Queen (Lucy): A malevolent undead being that wants to turn the world into her own necropolis. Lola-caster is the only kingdom that stands between her and world domination! An adept necromancer, she can summon nearly infinite amounts of soldiers and wins battles solely through attrition.**

 **Acrimancer (Luna): One of the Lich Queen's highest ranking soldiers. She inflicts status effects on her enemies to confound and confuse them. Her name is a portmanteau of the words "acrid" and "-mancer".**

 **Desicctroyer (Lynn Jr): The strongest of the Lich Queen's soldiers, she prefers the "Hulk Smash" strategy and razing everything that opposes her! Her name is a portmanteau of "desiccate" and "destroyer".**

 **Knight of Nocturne (Lincoln): The Lich Queen's retainer. He was once known as the "White Knight", a legendary hero from a far off land, until the Lich Queen tore his kingdom asunder. However, she fell in love with him and rather than smiting him, she cast a spell on him that makes him obey her every command. Now, he's known as the "Grim Reaper" with how easily he cuts through legions of soldiers with a single slice of his sword! Once the spell was broken, he wandered the Earth and faded into history as a great legend. No one knows what happened to him after the Lich Queen's demise.**

 **And finally, here are the stats of the enemies:**

 **Lich Queen  
** **HP: 250,000  
** **Type: Ghost/Poison  
** **Known Attacks: Necross Me, Roil  
** **Weakness: Fire, Light**

 **Acrimancer  
** **HP: 150,000  
** **Type: Normal/Poison  
** **Known Attacks: Brown Note, Poisonlett  
** **Weakness: Fire, Light**

 **Desicctroyer**

 **HP: 150,000  
** **Type: Fighting/Poison  
** **Known Attacks: Brutalize  
** **Weakness: Fire, Light**

 **Night of Nocturne**

 **HP: 500,000  
** **Type: Steel/Dark  
** **Known Attacks: Soul Strip, Penta-Slash  
** **Weakness: Physical attacks, Electricity**

 **Note that the Lich Queen can't re-summon Accrimancer or Desicctroyer once they've been burnt away However, she can summon normal undead to replace them. If by some slim chance you manage to defeat the Knight of Nocturne, the seal holding him breaks. If the Lich Queen is still alive, she'll just replace the broken seal. If she's dead, then congratulations, you freed the knight...but he has such an insanely high defense even when using his weakness. Your entire party might be wiped out before even dealing with 1/5th of his HP! Not to mention all of his attacks do insanely high damage, or are instant kills!**

 **Luckily, this is all just in Lola's imagination.**


	5. School Daze

**"I was a smart kid, but I hated school."- Marshall Bruce Mathers III**

 **Chapter Synopsis: We follow Lola around middle school**

* * *

"We still continued to hang out, but nothing of importance occurred until we went to middle school."

Scene transition to Royal Woods Middle School. The quartet was split up into different classes. The year is now 2024. Lana, Leif, Lexx and Lola are 14 years old.

"I, of course, got shafted with my scheduling, and got my hardest classes first, not to mention, back-to-back…"

* * *

 **Mod 1: Advanced Algebra (Really, whatever math lesson the teacher came up with)**

"Ok class, today we are going to continue our trigonometry lessons by explaining what the unit circle is."

"Ha, easy!" A student scoffed "Sine, cosine, tangent. Opposite over hypotenuse, adjacent over hypotenuse and opposite over adjacent, am I right, teach?"

"No, the unit circle describes the 3 relationships, but in something known as a radian. The 4 most common ones are π/2, π, 3π/2 and 2π. Lola, what is 720° in terms of radians?"

I think about it…

"4π? Does that mean we each get 4 slices of pie? I was going to say whole pies, but that'd be overkill. Is it March 14? Is that why we're talking about pie? When can we get some? Is it already time for lunch?"

"No, there's no pie."

The rest of the class lets out a dejected groan.

"But, you are right, since 2π is 360°, then 720° would be double that. Great job!"

* * *

 **Mod 2: P.E**

"All right, we got a special treat for you today! We're going to whip you into shape with this!"

The gym teacher places a cassette into a radio and hits the play button.

"The FITNESSGRAM/PACER test is a multi-stage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20-meter PACER test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal [blip sound]. A single lap should be completed every time you hear this sound [bell dinging sound]. Remember to run in a straight line and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word "start". On your mark…get ready… START!"

"This is it. Lincoln told me this test was the bane of his existence. He told me his personal record was 11 laps. But then again…Linky isn't the most athletic person in the world. He even got last place when he tried running a marathon…at least he finished it. I sure am glad I got these sweet pink sneakers. Could you imagine doing this test in high-heels? That's torture!"

We then see an awesome montage of the middle schoolers running. It was definitely way cooler than taking the test when you were a kid.

"1"

…

"4"

…

"12"

…

"16"

…

"25"

…

"34"

…

"41"

My face is flushed crimson and I'm breathing very heavily…I think I've hit my threshold. But no! I have to continue!

…

"46"

…

"49"

…

"52"

"Dang it, I [pant] [pant] missed that [pant] lap. I can't [wheeze] afford another mistake!"

"54"

"Can't go…on…anymore…"

I passed out from the fatigue. 54 laps…The teacher said I managed to be in the healthy range. I honestly thought I wouldn't make it. Of course, there's always someone better. A boy in our class managed to make it to 79 before the program got too fast for him. Still, everyone congratulated me for continuing, even him…for some reason. I don't know why they'd do that, but I appreciated it.

"By the way, don't do what I did on my first day and show up to P.E wearing a dress, it's really not suited for it. Luckily, that only happened on the first day of school, and I switched to attire more suited for exercise."

* * *

 **Mod 3: Psychology**

"Now you should have read up to chapter 13 in the DSM-5. Today we are going to be discussing the 10 personality disorders."

I diligently pay attention to this class. After all, how else am I going to learn who to manipulate people? Besides, this seemed like a fun elective to take.

"Now we reach the dramatic, or cluster B disorders."

"Dramatic? Seems like something I should know about."

"Number 4: Antisocial Personality Disorder/ASPD

ASPD is characterized by a general disregard for authority. These people are most commonly referred to as sociopaths. They step on whoever they want and don't care who they hurt."

I write down the notes.

"Number 5: Borderline Personality Disorder/BPD

BPD is characterized by extreme instability. Anything can set a person with BPD off, and they react badly in almost all cases. It is most often confused with bipolar disorder, but the 2 are different in that borderline personality disorder is more consistent, while bipolar disorder is characterized with extreme highs and lows for a brief period of time."

"Wow? Is it really that simple?"

"Number 6: Histrionic Personality Disorder/HPD

People with HPD will do anything to get attention. Usually by telling the general populace some wildly crazy story that definitely didn't happen. People afflicted tend to show a lot of energy and seem hedonistic."

I write down the notes.

"Number 7: Narcissistic Personality Disorder/NPD

NPD is for people who think the world revolves around them. They put on a grandiose personality to woo and charm others, and think that their entitled, but really, they're sad and broken inside. It's all very poignant, really. Of course, narcissists don't even acknowledge this because of the façade they put up."

"Huh, sounds like someone I know."

I write down the notes.

* * *

 **Mod 4: English**

"I'm not going to lie, I usually tune out this class. It's usually just melodramatically reciting Shakespeare."

A time card that says: "One very boring English "lesson" later" flashes onscreen.

* * *

 **Mod 5: Lunch**

"Finally, lunchtime! One thing I can get behind."

* * *

 **Mod 6: Science**

"Ok class, now today, we're going to learn how the stars shine in the night sky."

"I loved this class, not only because we got to watch old episodes of _Bill Nye The Science Guy_ , but my science teacher was one of the coolest teachers I had. He made the class so engaging."

* * *

 **Mod 7: Free time**

I go over to the designated study area when I overhear some boys talking about their classes.

"Man, time really flies huh?"

"Dude, you're telling me, how's your history project?"

"Got a D+ for explaining how _Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare_ relates to WW2."

"Dude, how did you get COD?"

"Older bro let me play it."

"Nice, but you really should've done something that relates to WW2 instead of binge-playing old _Call of Duty_ games, you're close to flunking."

"Whatever, I can bring my grade up with the new test coming up."

"So, dude remember when I took that auto-mechanics class as an elective?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"I saw possibly the hottest girl in school there."

"(Auto-mechanics…Lana took that as one of her electives. I'm sure they're talking about someone else.)"

"Yeah, tell us what she looked like, Casanova?"

"Man, she was wearing a green shirt and overalls, with a red cap. One of the most gorgeous things I ever laid my eyes on."

"I heard a rumor that she broke 100 on the gym's PACER test today."

"You aren't talking about Lana Loud, are you?"

"Man, I don't know her name?"

"How do you not know who the Louds are? They're well known in this town! If that's the case, her twin, Lola, should be around here."

"I went to leave, but Lana headed in and acknowledged me."

"Hey, Lols? Are you doing ok with your classes?"

"Yeah, Lans. Those boys are talking about you."

"Oh, them? They just fawn over me for some reason. I find it kind of creepy. But I already reported them."

The dean enters the room and singles out the 3 boys.

"You 3. You aren't gossiping about Lana Loud again, are you? She wants you to leave her alone and to stop creeping her out. You're making her feel uncomfortable."

"No sir! We weren't talking about her."

The 3 boys run off, while the dean chases them.

The bell rings…time for the last class of the day…

* * *

 **Mod 8: Art**

"Alright, continue your projects."

I do so. Continuing to paint what I think is an elegant picture…it's almost finished…

30 minutes later…

"Ok, we'll finish our projects tomorrow."

Me and Lana head home. I'm sure Leif and Lexx had an eventful school day, too. But I still have an extracurricular activity to take care of.

* * *

 **Preview**

I got ready for what would be my final pageant. Upon reaching backstage, I hear the banshee-like screams of one of my many rivals. But this girl, wearing a green dress, is my worst enemy. Her blood-red eyes and brown hair would intimidate lesser girls, but luckily, I've dealt with her multiple times within my career.

* * *

 **Author's Note: When that guy was talking about Call of Duty and how it relates to WW2, it was supposed to be a joke about both his laziness, as well as the stagnation of the Call of Duty franchise. Well, Activision actually DID make Call of Duty: WWII. I totally called it, but that was supposed to be a joke! I didn't think Activision would actually make it! I just lost a little more faith in humanity after seeing that this was real.**


	6. Pageant Pandemonium

**"The healthiest competition occurs when average people win by putting above average effort." -Colin Powell**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Lola competes in a pageant...her FINAL pageant**

* * *

"As soon as we entered our parents' house, I went to my room to prepare for that extracurricular activity I mentioned earlier. Those of you who know me know it can only be one thing. Of course, it's a pageant. Lana went to our room to…I don't know, relax after a rigorous school day? I don't know, but she was out COLD once she laid down on her bed. Anyway…"

"Hmm…I shouldn't be worried, after all, I have 68 consecutive pageant wins in my career. Even though my dresses look the same, they actually are various shades and tints of pink…I guess I'll wear the shocking pink one. After rehearsing what I'm going to be doing at said pageant, I waited until it was time for my dad to drive me over there. I walk in and the newcomers bow down to me. They know that I am the one who wins all the pageants."

I got ready for what would be my final pageant. Upon reaching backstage, I hear the banshee-like screams of one of my many rivals. But this girl, wearing a green dress, is my worst enemy. Her blood-red eyes and brown hair would intimidate lesser girls, but luckily, I've dealt with her multiple times within my career.

"Of course, YOU'RE here, Loud. Well, this time, I'm going to dethrone you as Michigan's sweetheart! I will finally break your winning streak! Also, I heard that the winner of this particular competition, will be scouted by agencies for a future modeling career, so I'm definitely going to prevent you from getting that!"

But our conversation was cut short by the start of the competition. Which is broadcast on the Princess Channel. I knew this because Linky and my sister tried to impersonate me. I wasn't there because I tripped on a hairspray can and broke my left arm and right leg. Lana was ruining my pageant reputation, the one I worked so hard to build up! If she didn't win…Lincoln might've had a crutch shoved up his ass, lying face-down in a pool of blood. The coroner would have ruled it a suicide. Back to the competition…

"Hello, I'm Donnie Dufresne, and I have great news for Michigan's junior sweethearts. To commemorate me hosting my 1000th pageant, the ANPMC has partnered up with us to find America's next top models! The winner of this pageant will be recruited in the future to be contestant number 26 in ANPMC's model contest, and will represent the great state of Michigan. With that out of the way, let the competition begin!"

* * *

 **Stage 1: Poise**

The contests pose attractively and are scored by Donnie's elite panel of judges.

After careful deliberation. Lola won with a score of 28, with her enemy/rival Lindsey Sweetwater scoring a 27.

* * *

 **Stage 2: Interview**

Donnie recites Lindsey's question.

"Lindsey, as we all know, Flint, Michigan has had a water crisis which was only fixed recently in 2020. Your question is…if the Flint water crisis was still going on today, how would you fix the problem?"

"Well Donnie, after knowing that the Flint river was contaminated with dangerous amounts of lead, I would immediately switch the drinking water reservoir to the nearby Thread Lake. Next, I would set up all of the water treatment plants so that the people can ingest the purified water. Problem solved, and crisis averted."

"Wow, that's actually kind of genius. Next up is Lola Loud."

I go up, nervous to answer the question.

"Lola, the world is watching as _Kim Jong Un_ has finally did it. Despite former president _Donald Trump's_ numerous warnings, the devilishly handsome dictator has customized his Hwasong 14 ICBM stockpile to carry miniaturized nuclear warheads and has announced over the KNCA that he plans to nuke America. My question is what should America do about the growing North Korean threat?"

"(fuck, no matter what I answer, it's going to be wrong!)"

"Well, if there's no other option, America would be forced to fight off the assault. Even though this act will trigger China to declare war on America (even though China is doing so to protect it's "ally", as even China thinks North Korea is a joke), Japan and South Korea will come to America's aid. Russia…won't actually take part in this conflict, it's not their problem. Either way, even though it will cause World War 3, we won't back down. As a famous Brit once said, "We shall not flag or fail, we shall defend our homeland, no matter what the cost may be, we shall never surrender."

An eruption of both cheers and jeers shout out from the crowd. The tears of patriots stream down, touched by her dedication to her country. Unfortunately, not even patriotism is enough to overtake Lindsey in this section of the pageant. As she so eloquently put it:

"Lola, you really are an idiot. Banking on patriotism to help sway the judges? Did you forget that we live in Royal Woods? Our city is a part of Oakland County. Do you get what I'm saying? This is one of the districts that _Hillary Clinton_ won, along with Genesee, Ingham, Kalamazoo, Marquette, Muskegon, Washtenaw and Wayne County! Fervent Hillary supporters hate patriotism, and think it will lead to WW3! Out of 664,614 people who live and voted in Oakland County, you just pissed off 343,070 of them!"

Lola's response?

"You must be desperate if you're willing to resort to politics. Your precious Hillary only got 9.5% of all Michigan votes. Winning only 8 of the 84 Counties. Are you so desperate enough to rile up all of the HCSs and/or L3s just to further your own agenda…sounds like someone famous we know. But I digress, this isn't the place to discuss politics."

Lindsey's politicization of this pageant aside, time to move on to the final part of the pageant.

* * *

 **Stage 3: Talent**

"Ok Lindsey, what's your talent?"

"Being able to convince people to do what I want."

"And how are you going to be able to do that?"

"Like this."

Lindsey tries to sway the judges to give her a triple 10. Unbelievably, she managed to get 2 of the judges to do it. The outlier judge was unamused by her talent and gave her a 0.

"And now for our last contestant, miss Lola Loud!"

I get up on the stage.

"What's your talent?"

"…being cute?"

"Ok? Judges?"

All of them give her a 7.

The pageant concludes. Donnie gets ready to announce the winner.

And the winner of the ANPMC: Michigan Division Pageant is…

…

…

…

Lindsey Sweetwater!

My heart sank after hearing that. Lindsey Sweetwater actually WON against me?!

"Ha! You finally lost, Loud! And at such a critical moment too. It's true what they say about revenge, it's most delicious when served cold. It tastes like cookie dough ice cream, delicious!"

Lindsey then proceeded to gloat in my face for the rest of the pageant. I found out about it later, but I got 2nd place, but the worst part about it was that I was 1 point behind from being first. She got the recruitment and a win against me! Well, at least there's one thing she can't beat me at…

* * *

 **Preview**

"Aww, our little sis is going on her first date! Good luck, Lola!"

* * *

 **Author's Note: ANPMC stands for "American National Pageant Model Conversion". Yes, Lindsey really is so desperate to win that she'd resort to politicizing the pageant by playing the Hillary Clinton card. Unfortunately, since Hillary won Oakland County, playing the Hillary card here might actually work. For those that care about political jokes, HCS stands for "Hillary Clinton Supporters" and L3s stand for "loony leftist liberals". Yes, I really did look up the results of Michigan's 2016 US presidential election data just to present the most accurate information. But moving away from politics, the most important part of this chapter is that Lindsey won against Lola.**


	7. Win Some, Lose Some

**"There is no great genius without some touch of madness." -Aristotle**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Lola has come up with a plan to win Winston's affections, unfortunately, Leif is a part of it, too...**

* * *

"It's well known that I've had a crush on a boy for quite a while now. I eventually managed to work up the nerve to tell him how I feel."

It is 2028, the twins are now 18 years old. Lola is seen talking to someone on the phone.

"Lola, I don't think you should do this."

"Come on, Leif, I need a wingman to boost my chances of him asking me out!"

"And what if he mistakes US as a couple?"

"I'll tell him we're just friends. Now can you please just tag along with me?"

"Fine."

"Ok, show up at Jean Juan's French-Mex Buffet at 7:45 PM sharp."

I put on my fancy clothes (which is quite hard for me to find, since all my clothes look exactly the same) and prepare to head out to the restaurant.

"Aww, our little sis is going on her first date! Good luck, Lola!" one of my sisters commented from afar

* * *

I drove to the restaurant and waited for both my date and my wingman to arrive.

"Hey, Lola."

I glance over and see that Leif has arrived.

"Are you ready for Operation: Win Some Winston?"

"That is a terrible operation name."

"I guess my brother is starting to rub off on me…that's a terrifying thought. Anyway, he's going to be here soon. Do you remember the plan?"

"Yeah, I'm going to sit adjacent to your table and see how the date progresses, and I'll be there to boost your chances when you need me."

A silver car parks into the restaurant. A blond man wearing a purple jacket with a blue shirt pops out. He also wore a pink scarf and has a blond pompadour, with light brown jeans and brown shoes. I immediately recognize him as my date, Winston. I had a crush on him ever since I was 6. But now, it's time I told him my true feelings.

"Hey, I heard that some girl named Lola wanted to meet me here. Do you 2 know where she is?"

"I believe the girl you're looking for is right here." Leif gestured toward me

"Ah, and you are?"

"Leif. I'm Lola's friend."

"Well, let's get this engagement started, shall we?"

I practically faint upon hearing Winston say the word "engagement". All 3 of us enter the restaurant and approach the hostess stand. Leif lags behind, as per our plan.

* * *

"Welcome to Jean Juan's French-Mex Buffet, how many people will be dining here today?"

"2" I said

"Ah, right this way."

The waiter led us to our table.

"So what beverage can we start you 2 off with?"

"Water, for me."

"How about a root beer float?"

Sure, those will be around shortly. Have you decided what to order?"

"How about the Brie on Fire Grilled Cheese?"

"I'll have the Quesadilla Monsieur."

"Beef, steak or chicken?"

"Beef."

"Normal or flat bread?"

"Flat."

"Alright, your food will be here shortly." The waiter said as he left

Leif managed to get a table close to theirs. The restaurant was packed in such a way that it could almost be considered a coincidence. Either way, it's time for Lola's plan to come to fruition.

* * *

"So, tell me a little bit about yourself."

"Well my favorite school subject is English. I like hanging out with friends. My favorite season is winter… sorry, I can't really think of much else."

"Ok, so I love doing pageants, and I'm pretty good at it. My favorite color is pink. I know how to prepare every kind of tea. I…can be a little bit abrasive to my siblings. I loathe Princess Pony's 4th generation. I detest getting dirty. I am proud of what I've been able to accomplish."

"Wow, amazing."

"Your food's here." The waiter sets down the food

I take a bite out of my grilled cheese. The heavenly combination of melty brie and piquant tomato soup is a perfect match! But, enough about that, I need to tell Winston what I really think of him. I wait for an opportune moment.

…

…

…

"You know… I've had a crush on you for some time now."

"Really?"

"Yes. I just didn't know how to tell you. But I think the best way to tell you is to just come out and say it. Winston, will you go out with me?

…

…

…

The room falls silent. Winston contemplates what he just heard. He began to speak.

* * *

"Lola…"

"Yes?" My eyes dilate, eager to hear his response

"You're a cool girl…"

("He's right, I am pretty awesome.")

"And I would love to hang out with you…"

("This is it! He's going to say "yes!"")

"But…I don't think I want to go out with you. Can we still be friends?"

Leif, overhearing this, is afraid of what will happen next. After all, Lola has told him horror stories of what happens when people make Lola mad. And her crush rejecting her would definitely do this. He awaits how Lola will react.

I was momentarily shocked by Winston's answer. My mouth was still agape from it. I take time to process what he just said. I thought about flipping out on him but in that moment, I had an epiphany…

It's just not worth it.

I regain my composure and respond to Winston's question with only one word.

* * *

"Yes."

"Great, I'm glad we can still be friends, Lola."

At that moment, the check arrived.

"Don't worry, I'll get that."

Winston pays for the meal, then leaves the restaurant, heading off into the distance. Both I and Leif exit, having concluded our business there.

"Hey, are you going to be okay, Lola?"

"Yes, Leif. And thanks for agreeing to help me. You're a true friend."

I give him a thank you kiss on the cheek.

I'll see you later.

Both Leif and I head back home to our respective houses.

* * *

"So, how'd it go?" Leni asked

"Not how I planned it, but it still managed to work out." I responded

"Well, that's great!" She said as she left to work on one of her designs.

I retreat back to mine and Lana's room, wondering about something. 2 houses away, Leif heads into his and Lexx's room. Both are wondering the same thing.

"Did s/he feel the same thing I did when she kissed me/I kissed him?"

* * *

 **Preview**

"Hey Lols, you've been a little out of it since last week. Is everything ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking about something that happened last week."

"What happened? Did Winston reject you? Do you want us to teach him a lesson because he hurt your feelings?"

"No, no! Nothing like that! Winston told me he didn't want to go out with me and I accepted that! He just wanted to be friends with me and I obliged. Please, don't ruin this by beating him up!" I pleaded

"Wait, he friend-zoned you, and you just "accepted it"? You didn't exact some unholy retribution from him rejecting you? Ok, who are you and what have you done with my twin sister?" My sister said incredulously


	8. Russian Roulette

**"Make new friends, but keep the old; Those are silver, these are gold." -Joseph Parry**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Lola and Leif try to meet up at the Aloha Comrade, but there might be a problem with that...**

* * *

"A week has passed since my date with Winston. Even though he said he didn't want to date me, we're still good friends. But something was bothering me since that day. I felt… something… when I kissed Leif. I decided to find out if something happened to him as well."

The scene transitions to Lola and Lana's room. Lola seems deep in thought about something. Lana takes notice of this and asks her twin sister what's wrong.

"Hey Lols, you've been a little out of it since last week. Is everything ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking about something that happened last week."

"What happened? Did Winston reject you? Do you want us to teach him a lesson because he hurt your feelings?"

"No, no! Nothing like that! Winston told me he didn't want to go out with me and I accepted that! He just wanted to be friends with me and I obliged. Please, don't ruin this by beating him up!" I pleaded

"Wait, he friend-zoned you, and you just "accepted it"? You didn't exact some unholy retribution from him rejecting you? Ok, who are you and what have you done with my twin sister?" My sister said incredulously

"I already outgrew that." I scoffed in response "But there's something else…"

"What?"

"Well I dragged Leif along to help me with getting Winston to go out with me."

"Oh, there she is, Lola manipulating one of her only friends in order to get into a boy's pants. That's my sister, all right. I was wondering where she was."

"Wow, you make me sound like a nymphomaniac!"

"Geeze, don't take it so personally, sis. That's just how I interpreted the situation. But anyway, what seems to be the problem? It just looks like you being…well, you."

"Ok, so when the date didn't go as planned. I gave a reward to Leif for him going along with my plan."

"That doesn't seem so bad…"

"It was a "thank you" kiss on the cheek."

"Never mind, this is serious business! I have to tell everyone, Lola!"

"Well, this is the strange part. When I kissed him, it felt like I felt…something. Like a…warm feeling? Do you have any idea what that could be, Lans?"

"I'm not a relationship expert, but do you think that…you could be attracted to Leif?"

"No, it couldn't be…we're best friends. Wouldn't be strange to be attracted to your best friend?"

"I don't know…but maybe you should find out."

"Yeah, I'll do that…thanks, Lana."

"No problem, Lola."

Taking Lana's advice, I decided to schedule a meetup with him. Our place to meet up? It's the Aloha Comrade Russian-Hawaiian fusion restaurant. It took a while for me to convince him, though. He's been a little more reclusive than usual but I managed to coax him out of hiding.

* * *

He went over to my place, and together, we went to the Aloha Comrade.

"It's been a while, hasn't it, Leif? I just want to talk what's happened over the past few weeks."

"Yeah, but why did you want us to meet here?"

"Well, I wanted to try some of the food here for some time now."

Both of us went to the door and saw a wanted poster with a very old picture of me. It says: "This girl has been blacklisted. Her name is Lola Loud. If you see her, immediately kick her out. From: Sergei (the owner)

"Well it seems you've gained infamy from the owner."

"How is that possible? My dad works as an executive chef here! Oh no…do you think that Sergei would fire him because of me?"

"I don't know about that. Do you still want to eat here?"

"Sure, just to see what would happen. If he does kick us out, I have a backup plan." I assured him

We walk up to the hostess stand. The waitress greets us.

"Welcome to the Aloha Comrade Russian-Hawaiian fusion restaurant. For identification purposes, state your names. It's a policy enacted by our founder/owner/head chef, Sergei. So, your names, if you please?"

"Sure, my name is Leif Loud."

"And I'm Lola Loud."

"Very good, now I assume the 2 of you will be dining together?"

"Yes."

"Ok, Leif and Lo… wait a minute, did you say your name was "Lola Loud?"

"Yes?"

"I see."

The hostess leaves and heads into the kitchen, where we see Lynn Sr and Sergei cooking up a storm for Sergei's patrons.

* * *

"Ah, Lynn. Promoting you to executive chef was the best decision I ever made. Now business has never been better!"

"Well, I'm just glad to be doing what I love."

"Sir, sir!" The waitress exclaimed, breaking Lynn and Sergei's intense focus on their cooking.

"What is it, Kornilova?" Sergei questioned

"Yeah, we were "in the zone" as some people like to say." Lynn Sr added

"Sorry for disrupting your cooking, шеф-повар Sergei. But remember that blacklist you made 12 years ago?

"да. What about it?"

"Someone came in to the restaurant and said their name was лола громко."

Sergei begins conversing with Kornilova in his native tongue.

"У нее светлые волосы?"

"да."

"Она носит тиару?"

"да."

"Она носит розовую одежду?"

"да."

"Then it is her. Let me deal with her." Sergei commanded. Lynn Sr wanted to tag along, but then no one would be able to cook for his customers.

Sergei leaves the kitchen and walks up to the hostess stand, where Leif and I were waiting. He begins to yell at me.

* * *

"Didn't you see the blacklist outside, Lola? Lola Loud has been banned for life from this restaurant."

"But why?" I asked

"Don't make me have flashback."

Flashback to the start of what chef Sergei calls "The Incident." Though any Loud House fan knows exactly what he's talking about.

* * *

[shouting] "YOU LISTEN TO ME, BUB! NO ONE MAKES MY DADDY WASH DISHES! HE'S DONE WITH YOUR STINKY JOB IN YOUR STINKY RESTAURANT! AND ANOTHER THING-"

[Lola takes a deep breath, and yells out something so horrific over the phone, that it's obscured by the loud whirring of a hair dryer Leni is using. The scene then transitions to when Sergei finally meets the little hellion.]

"Sir, please give our dad his job back. This was all a misunderstanding."

[furious] "What is there to misunderstanding? First, I get the rudest call of my life. Then I have no one to help with the breakfast rush. So, my answer is Нет!"

[cheerful] "YAY!"

"Нет means "no"."

"Aw..."

"Please don't punish our dad. This was our fault."

"Yeah. We're always messing up."

"All we do is make his life worse."

"Whoa, whoa, kids, what are you talking about? You make my life better every day. This is just a job. Don't worry. I can find another one."

[The kids smile and hug their dad; Sergei gets tears in his eyes, touched by their love.]

"I can't say Нет to a man with such a nice family. You got your job back."

"YAY!"

"YES! MY DADDY'S GONNA WASH THE DISHES!"

[The words "dishes" start echoing in Sergei's mind, for he recognizes that voice.]

[terrified] "Ah! You!" [leaps in fear onto a dish and catapults onto a pile of dirty ones.] "Ooh! Ow, my cooking arm."

"Chef Sergei!"

The flashback ends.

* * *

"Do you see I had to blacklist you? You may be one of my best worker's daughters, but you were a spoiled отродье, and now you that you've grown up, you are now a сука, Lola."

The heated debate is cooled when a familiar face shows up.

"Oh hey, Lols, what are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here, Lana?"

"Me? I'm dining at the Aloha Comrade. You?"

"She was just leaving." Sergei interjected

"Oh, hey chef Sergei, what are you doing out here?"

"Dealing with a "customer"."

"What did you do now, Lols?"

"She accidently broke my arm 12 years ago, that's why I banned her. Aside from that, she is also rude, and I can't have a disruptive patron scaring away my customers."

He turns to me and says this.

"Get out."

* * *

Leif and I left the Aloha Comrade. Lana told me this later, but she's actually dined there quite often. Enough that Sergei considers her a VIP customer. I heard that they treat her like a czarina. Her favorite food there is the Pineapple Stroganoff.

"Well, what do we do now?" Leif questioned

"Don't worry, remember that backup plan I mentioned earlier?"

"Yes."

"Well, we can just hang out at my place."

"Ok, sure. Lead the way."

We headed back to my place. Both of us head up to my room.

"Well, how have things been going for you so far?"

"Ah, they've been fine. I've been slowly getting better at my Latin class. Though…I still have a B-."

"What?! That's great Leif, tell me something in Latin!"

"Lincoln diligitis vos, autem, vos non diligitis eum."

"What does that mean?"

"Lincoln loves you, however, you don't love him."

"What? That's not true! I love my brother!"

"Really, so does Luan, but that's not a good thing." He says as he gives an aside wink to the audience

"What do you mean by that?"

"Oh, I'm pretty sure that someone knows what I'm talking about. But enough about that, what about you?"

"Great, I've got an A in French!" I boasted

"Seriously, that's amazing! Say something in French!"

"mon sœur Leni est trop pur pour ce monde."

Leif gives a blank stare. I translate it for him.

"My sister Leni is too pure for this world."

"True, but doesn't "trop" mean "too much" in French?"

"Yeah, but the word morphs into the word or words that best fits the context of the sentence. You study Latin, so you should be well versed into this. The word "quod" is supposed to mean "and", when it should be "et".

"How do you know that, Lola?"

"Internet translators."

"That's why I prefer transliteration translations, it's the most accurate."

"And…Lincoln helps me with the translations, too. I guess that would mean he tutors me in French. I sure am lucky he took it in the 5th grade." I admit

"He's such a good brother, don't you agree?"

"Yes…I guess he is."

"But I have to ask you something."

"Sure Lola, what is it?"

* * *

"Last week, did you feel anything when I kissed you?"

"So, it wasn't just me?"

I was taken slightly aback at his response. So, he did feel something, too?

"Did you feel a warm feeling, too?"

"Yes."

"But, we're childhood friends, wouldn't it be weird if we were attracted to each other?"

"I don't know. Should we start dating, just to see if this isn't a fluke?"

"Gee, I don't know, Lola…"

Leif thinks it over for a while…

"Sure, I want to find out if this is real, too. But I hope it's not. I don't want this to ruin our friendship…"

"I don't want it to either, but we need to know if this isn't just a passing attraction."

"You're right."

Both of us agree to this plan.

The screen pans outside Lola and Lana's room. We see that Lincoln and Leni overheard their conversation.

Both of them spread out and spread the word.

"Hey guys, you'll never believe what me and Leni/Lincoln just overheard!"

* * *

 **Preview**

"So why did Lola want to date you?" Lori asked

"She thought she was attracted to me, and so, she wanted to find out for herself."

"And what gave her that idea?"

"She kissed me."

* * *

 **Author's Note: Yes, Sergei really did blacklist Lola for causing him to slip and fracture his arm (and maybe for eating his sandwich, but any of the Loud siblings could have done that) in the episode Job Insecurity. Lola is the ONLY Loud sibling to be banned for life from a restaurant, too! When Sergei and Kornilova are speaking, the things they say are actually in Russian. First, he asks if this person claiming to be Lola Loud has blonde hair. Second, he asks if she wears a tiara. Thirdly, and lastly, he asks if she wears pink clothes. Of course, the answer to all 3 is yes.**

 **I'm sure by now you noticed that chapter 2 was titled in Latin. Well, Leif has been taking Latin classes while Lola has been taking French classes. Since act 1 is Leif's half of the story, any important chapters in act 1 will be titled in Latin. Act 2 chapters that are important will be titled in French, as that will deal with Lola's half of the story.**


	9. Duplus Crux Examen

**"Courage is knowing what not to fear." -Plato**

 **Chapter Synopsis: What was supposed to be a normal hangout between best friends developed into something much worse...**

* * *

"We did start dating, but that came with some difficulties…"

"Ok, I got my DNA test results back!"

"Mine, too!"

"It says that even though I'm 90% similar to you, we don't share DNA!"

"Same here."

"That's good, because I didn't want to start dating someone who could be my cousin or a long-lost relative. Glad that's over with."

"Yeah, but that's $99 dollars I'm never getting back…"

"But the real difficulty came one day after school, Lexx convinced me that I should hang out at his house, and Lana convinced Leif to hang out at mine. We thought it would just be a normal hangout…"

…

…

…

"We were wrong."

* * *

Scene transitions to inside 1216 Franklin Ave. We see that Lana is escorting Leif to the dining room. We see that it's pitch black inside.

"Lana, do you want to tell me what's going on?"

"In due time. But for now, just have a seat over here."

He does so, while Lana takes her seat adjacent to him. The lights turn on and we see that Lynn Sr is sitting directly across from him, with Lincoln sitting across from Lana, and the other Loud sisters form a barrier around him. Oddly, Rita isn't there…

"Is there something you wanted to say to me?" Leif meekly asked

"No…I just want to make you…an offer you can't refuse." Lynn Sr responded

He slides down a plate of his signature "Lynn-sagna" over to him.

"Uh…thanks?"

Leif eats the lasagna.

"Now, as for why I've had Lana bring you here. It has come to my attention that my daughter, Lola, wants to date you."

Leif swallows nervously.

"Yes, you know what this is about. Just answer our questions honestly and we won't hurt you. Now who wants to ask Leif a question?"

* * *

Meanwhile, at 2128 Franklin Ave…

"Lexx, why'd you ask me to hang out?"

"Oh, there's just a few things I want cleared up, have a seat at the table, we already have a reserved spot just for you."

"Really, thanks!"

"Don't mention it."

Just like at 1216, the dining room is pitch black. I sit down in the special chair, while Lexx sits parallel to me.

"Don't worry, I'll advocate for you." He assured me

"What?" I ask confusedly

Before I could say anything more, the lights turn on, revealing an audience of angry brothers. Directly across from us were Rita and Linka. Oddly, Lynn Sr is absent…

"We know what you did. I love watching the show "24", and let's just say, I've acquired a very particular set of skills during my binge watching of that show. Skills I won't hesitate to use on you, so you'd better think over your responses very carefully." A man in a cyan tanktop snarls at me. I remember who he is. Leif mentioned his name when we hung out for the first time. I think his name was "Loki".

"Loki. Enough! We'll take it from here." Rita assured him

"Ha, you have to be interrogated by our sister. Good luck…" He cackled

* * *

Scene transition back to 1216 Franklin Ave.

"So why did Lola want to date you?" Lori asked

"She thought she was attracted to me, and so, she wanted to find out for herself."

"And what gave her that idea?"

"She kissed me."

A wave of shocked gasps filled the room!

"What did you say?!" Lori suddenly becomes hostile in her questions

"Was it on the lips?"

"No, cheek."

"Did you ever kiss her?"

"No, she kissed me."

"Why?"

"She said it was a thank you gift for helping her with her plan."

"What plan?"

"To get Winston to date her."

"I can already tell you that the plan didn't work."

Everyone looks for who said that, all of their gazes meet Lana.

"Lola told me, her plan didn't work, but that she's still friends with Winston."

* * *

"Well, I don't have any questions, I think he's a nice boy." Leni chimed in, everyone facepalmed at her

"Leni, the reason we're doing this is to deem him worthy of Lola. It's a judge of character!"

* * *

"I got one, why did you help Lola with her plan in the first place?" Luna questioned

"I actually tried to convince her not to do it, but she convinced me it was a good idea."

"Would you blindly follow whatever Lola asks you to do?"

"No, I can make my own decisions."

* * *

"I bet that you felt sparks fly, but how do you know that they haven't fizzled out?" Luan enquired

"Well, that's why Lola thought we should date, to see if this wasn't a passing spark."

"Well this is shocking! So, Lola wants to date you?"

"Yes."

* * *

"I got a simple question, how strong are you?" Lynn smugly inquired

"I can lift 10 weight dumbbells with ease!"

"Pathetic, how are you going to protect our sister like that, scrawny little weakling?"

"Uhh…"

"I don't know what Lola is thinking if she's trying to date some pathetic loser like you. That would be like if I started dating Lincoln! Which is absolutely disgusting, and not just because it's incest!"

"Lincoln, please, ask Leif your questions, now. Just so we don't have to listen to Lynn Jr anymore. She's already insulted 4 people…" Lynn Sr pleaded

* * *

"Well, here's one you can answer. How smart are you?"

"Slightly above average."

"Ok, prove it."

"Well, I have been taking Latin. How about this?"

"Ego credo id Lana estne quod celebres cultissima unum de tuus familia."

"One: That's not true. And two, your Latin needs work, see me after class." Lisa interjected

"Wow, you know Latin? Maybe you could teach me." Lori scoffed at him

* * *

"This is more of a personal question, because I already know you're a perfect match for Lola, but can you say something in Latin that would interest me?"

"Wait Luce, how do you know already?"

"Saw it in the tarot cards."

"Cum quod Agnus aperuit quod quartus sigillum, ego audivi quod quartus creatura dixit, "veni!" Ego vidi, et ibi ante mihi erat autem pallidus equus! Eius equitem erat nomine Mortem, et infernum secuta post eum. Dedit potentia super autem quartus de quod terra necare per gladio, famis et pestilencia, et per quod ferox bestia quod terra."

"Revelation 6, right?"

"Yeah, I know you're into macabre stuff, so what could be more gothic than Death's ascension to the mortal realm?"

"Wicked."

* * *

"I don't have any questions, just a warning."

Lana gets close to Leif's face.

"If you do **ANYTHING** to hurt my precious twin sister, I will make you pay."

Lana retreats back to her seat.

"I have only one question for you, do you want to date Lola?"

Leif ponders this for a moment, before saying…

"Yes."

"Well, good. Lola is kind of a firebrand, and not many people can handle that, but if you could, then that means Lola won't try to force someone to marry her. I remember when we all went nuts over Lincoln's tutor that one time…"

* * *

"I don't have any questions." Lily stated

* * *

"Ok, I think we're all done here."

Lynn Sr huddles his family together, mumbles can be heard. Eventually, they turn back to him.

"Well, after careful deliberation, we have decided…

…

…

…

"That you have our permission to date Lola."

"Ok, thanks." Leif said, slightly shocked

* * *

Scene transition back to 2128 Franklin Avenue.

Rita fires off a volley of questions for me to answer.

"When did this happen?"

"Last week."

"Why Leif?"

"Because he's nice."

"Do you do drugs?"

"No."

"Do you drink?"

"No."

"Do you smoke?"

"No."

"Do you have any STDs?"

"No."

"Are you lying to me, young lady?"

"No."

"Where is he right now?"

"At my house."

"Why?"

"I don't know, probably the same reason you invited me over here."

"Did you know that if something happens to Leif, his brothers will find you and beat you up for letting it happen?"

I was momentarily taken aback.

"No, I didn't know that."

"Well, now you do."

* * *

"Come on, mom. I know her better than anyone else here, she wouldn't hurt him." Lexx pleaded

Rita looks at Lexx, puzzled.

"Prince's honor, I swear." He said as he raises his right hand

"Well, Lexx is the brother Leif is the closest to, so if he says it's ok. Then it's fine by me. After all…

Rita gives a glare to Lexx.

"My son, Lexx, wouldn't lie to me, would he?"

"No, I'd never lie to you, mom." He chuckles sheepishly

Rita takes his eyes off of him and adopts a more neutral expression.

"Well it's ok by me. Linka, do you want to say anything to her?"

"Yes, I do. Lola, I just want to tell you one thing."

"What is it?"

"Take care of my brother."

"I will, you have my word."

Linka smiled at me.

"I'll know he'll be happy."

"Alright, Lola. You're free to go. Lexx will walk you home."

"Sure, thanks."

* * *

Lexx and I walked to our house, while Leif and Lana walked over to his house. Now that everyone is back where they belong. This chapter of our lives is over. "But there is something I want to share with you. On Valentine's Day, I sent Leif a gift. It was a gift card to some place that had a lot of seafood, I don't quite remember. But either way, one month from that day, I got 2 chocolate pieces from him. Attached was a note that said…"

Do you want to know who doesn't love chocolate? The answer is everywhere, it is all around us. Even now, as you're reading this very note. You can see it when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to school, when you see other people go to church, when you pay your taxes. This note is an illusion, blinding you to the truth. That everyone that can consume chocolate loves it. This is it, your last chance, after this is no turning back. You eat the white chocolate, and your taste buds will be coated in pure bliss, you will forget all of your troubles and drift off into a peaceful slumber. You eat the 100% dark chocolate, and you'll see just how bitter the world is, so choose, white or black.

I eat both pieces of chocolate. After enjoying both, I notice that there is a false bottom in the box that contained the bar. In it was another note.

"You glutton! You ate both chocolates, didn't you? You were supposed to choose one or the other! Well, I kind of had a feeling you'd eat both of them anyway. Your brother told me that you and your sisters are notorious chocoholics…well, I should tell you what this is about. You were so kind to give me a gift on Valentine's Day, so I thought to return the favor by sending you these 2 artisan-crafted confectioner's chocolates. Happy White Day, Lola. I hoped they were delicious.

The screen pans to the sun even though we see a black screen, we can hear some stuff from the other side. The time card says "2 years later" before fading out. We hear a familiar song. Church bells are ringing as we hear someone speak. It's faint but we can hear this.

"Do you, Leif Loud, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do."

"And do you, Lola Loud, take Leif to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do."

"Then by the power vested in me, I now declare you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride."

We don't see the kiss, but it is assumed he did do it, as raucous cheers erupt a short while afterward. It seems that things are going to be very interesting for our lovebirds now…

* * *

 **Preview**

"Wait. Mrs. Loud, haven't I seen you somewhere before?"

"I don't think we've met until today."

"Really, huh…I'm sure I've seen someone that looked like you before…"

* * *

 **Author's Note: It's confirmed, the gender-swapped Louds are NOT related to the originals (in this story, at least) so this doesn't count as multidimensional incest, hooray! Do you think Leif is right? Is Lana the smartest member of the Loud family? Or is Lisa right, in being the only genius in the family? Perhaps there is another, waiting in the wings? Only time will tell.**

 **Lori sarcastically saying that Leif should tutor her in Latin was put in because in the episode Anti Social, Lynn Sr reveals that Lori actually takes Latin!**

 **When Leif is transliterating Revelation 6 (specifically, the 4th paragraph) This is what he says:**

 **"When the Lamb opened the fourth seal, I heard the fourth creature say, "Come!" I looked, and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hell followed after him. He gave power over a fourth of the Earth, killing by the sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth. "**

 **The original is this:**

 **"When the Lamb opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, "Come!" I looked, and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hades was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth."**

 **It seems like Leif failed and Lisa has a right to be condescending again, but look at the context of how he transliterates it. Specifically the line "He gave power over a fourth of the Earth". In the original translation, it says "They were given power over a fourth of the Earth". In the original, it says Death and Hades were given power, but it doesn't state who. In Leif's version, the opposite is true saying "He gave power", the "he" in this context being the Lamb, but not mentioning Death or [the legions of] Hell, the beings he gave the power to, and yet, they're still there, albeit heavily implied. In my opinion, this makes Leif's version more epic sounding. What do you think?**

 **In an early draft, Leif was going to give Lola a comb for her on White Day. While Lola would have appreciated it, seeing as this present can be used to enhance her beautifulness, in Japanese culture, a comb is the absolute WORST gift you could give! Combs or 櫛 (kushi) have the sounds く(ku) andし (shi), while these words mean nine and four, they sound similar to the word for suffer 苦しむ (kurushimu) and death 死 (shī). Translated, this would mean "death by suffering". So, it was changed to be 2 artisan chocolates, hand crafted by a master chocolatier for the story. And yes, since Leif knows what White Day is, he is at least somewhat knowledgeable in Japanese culture.**


	10. Occupational Hazard

**"When you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, 'Certainly I can!' Then get busy and find out how to do it." -Theodore Roosevelt**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Lola and Leif get jobs**

* * *

"What was next? Well, we passed college. I don't mean to brag, but I got a bachelor's degree in business administration. I'm actually unsure of what Leif got, but he did tell me it was a bachelor's degree. In what, I'm not sure. So, I guess next would be telling you about our occupations."

Scene transition to some building. Lola is waiting nervously for something. Eventually, 3 people enter the room.

* * *

"Mrs. Loud? Thanks for waiting, these are my HR and general manager, Mrs. Briat and Mr. Castleton. I am the founder/CEO of this company, Todd Oman, but you can just call me Mr. Oman. Now are you ready for the interview?"

"Yes."

"Great. First, do you have a college degree?"

"Yes."

"What is it?"

"A bachelor's in business administration."

"Ok, now there's a bit of a discrepancy in your resumé…It's blank." Mr. Oman noted "Care to explain, Mrs. Loud?"

"Simple, Mr. Oman, this is my first job."

"And how is that possible? How else could you afford your degree?" Mr. Castleton interjected

"A combination of FAFSA loans, scholarships and grants."

"Fair enough, now you said you wanted to work full-time? Is that correct?"

"Yes."

"When can you start?"

"I can work whenever you want me to."

"Ok, but can you work well with others? This job needs teamwork." Mrs. Briat pointed out

"Yes, I can work with others."

The 3 company members turn to themselves and murmur amongst each other. Eventually, they turn to me.

"Ok, Mrs. Loud, don't call us, we'll call you. We'll let you know if you got the job." Mr. Oman declared

"Oh…alright then, thanks for the interview."

I give the 3 of them a firm handshake. But before I left the room, Mr. Oman stopped me.

"Wait. Mrs. Loud, haven't I seen you somewhere before?"

"I don't think we've met until today."

"Really, huh…I'm sure I've seen someone that looked like you before…"

I leave the building and return back to our apartment, Leif is there.

"So, superstar, how did it go?"

"I don't know, they said they'd call me if I got the job. What about you?"

* * *

"Well…"

Flashback to earlier in the day, Leif is in what seems to be a park. He has the same amount of nervousness as I did. Eventually, a blonde woman with frizzy hair appears. She appears to be wearing a pale violet dress. She eventually sits down across from Leif. She starts eating from a conveniently placed assortment of fruits and vegetables. Eventually, she starts to grill him.

"So, you're here for the park ranger job?"

"Yes."

"Tell me, why should I hire you?"

"Because I'm a hard worker."

"Really? Ok then, I'll set up a test for you, newbie. If you can pass it, then I'll admit that you are a hard worker."

A few moments later, Leif and the woman are outside. One can see that leaves are strewn all around.

Ok, newbie. Your test is to rake all of the leaves in the cordoned off section of the park within…7 minutes, if all the leaves are in one big pile, then I'll be forced to acknowledge you're telling the truth. Ready, set, go!

While Leif was busy doing the challenge, one of the workers goes up to his boss. Even though he was wearing the park's uniform, one could still his sleek black hair and bit of stubble growing underneath his chin. He was a bit tan, mayhap he was of Hispanic descent? Either way, he stopped for a quick chat.

* * *

"Hey, Whit. What's going on?" The man cheerfully asked

"Don't call me that, Mike, not at work, anyway. Right now, I'm your boss, so you refer to me as Mrs. Wetta."

"Right, sorry, I forgot, Whit. So, what are you doing?"

"Well, Miguel. I'm testing a new recruit."

"Ah, yes. I remember MY initiation."

"I do too, you failed spectacularly." She teased "You had to do the puppy-dog eye trick to get me to hire you. And even then, I only hired you because we were friends."

"Yes, and I thank you for giving me this chance, Mrs. Wetta…"

She interrupts him.

"And I almost had to fire you, twice. Though I will admit, doing just slightly above the threshold every time is somewhat amazing. It reminds me of a game my daughter used to play. There was a blue-hoodie wearing skeleton who's so lazy, yet somehow never gets fired."

"Ah well, Nor Nosnaws, it was nice catching up with you. By the way, how IS your daughter doing?"

"She's still friends with Laurel, though they have been getting into more spats lately. But that's just teenager drama."

"Oh, I see."

He leaves. In the meantime, Leif finished the challenge with 1:30 to spare.

* * *

"Oh, you completed the challenge. Fabulous job, I admit that you were telling the truth. It's getting cold out here, we should head back inside."

Both of them do.

"Alright, I just need to ask a few more questions."

"Sure, go ahead."

"Did you pass high school?"

"No, I passed college. I got a bachelor's degree in English."

"Wow, amazing! Next, do you have a criminal record?"

"No."

"Ok, now I think I have everything, I'll let you know if you got the job."

"Thanks for the interview."

"He gives her a firm handshake and leaves the station."

The flashback ends.

"Well, all we can do is hope…"

The phone rings, it's for Leif.

"Yeah. Oh, really. Great. Tomorrow then, right. Ok, see you then."

He hangs up.

"Who was that?"

"It was one of the managers of the park where I applied. She said her name was Sammie, and that she called me on behalf of her boss, Mrs. Wetta, to tell me that…"

…

…

…

"I got the job."

"What really?! That's amazing, Leif."

"Yeah, I start tomorrow."

"But wait… Wetta… that name sounds familiar. Wasn't she the librarian?"

"No, the librarian had red hair, this one has blonde hair."

"It could be dyed…"

"Nope, the librarian's hair was straight, my boss' hair is frizzy."

"Well, she could have restyled it."

"Both of them still have different body types."

"Ok, fine. I guess there are 2 Whitney Wetta's living in Royal Woods. 2 people with the same name…what an amazing coincidence."

"And what about you, Lola?"

"They haven't called me yet…"

"Ok, well, don't give up hope yet. They probably have had hundreds of applicants and are just sorting through them."

* * *

2 weeks pass, before I finally get a call.

"Is this Mrs. Loud?"

"Yeah."

"It's Mr. Oman over at Slyco."

"Oh, Mr. Oman. What is it?"

"I called you to tell you that you were one of 42 candidates that we selected."

"Does that mean…?"

"Yes, it does. Lola, you got the job."

I wait patiently for him to say anything else.

"You start 3 days from now, can you make it?"

"Yes."

"Great, we'll see you on the 18th, welcome aboard."

I hang up.

"YES!" I shout victoriously

"So, I take it you got the job, then." Leif asked me

"Yes, I start on the 18th."

"Congratulations."

* * *

"We worked hard for 4 years and eventually saved up enough money to buy a quaint little house, I believe that you know that this property is now your crime scene, 1432 Lacrimal Lane, detective. Anyway, it had been four years and I had been thinking about it for a long time, so I decided it was time to tell Leif."

"Leif, can I tell you something?"

"Sure, Lola, you can tell me anything."

…

…

…

"I want kids."

* * *

 **Preview**

 **[DATA EXPUNGED]**

* * *

 **Author's Note: Even though most of the people mentioned are Loud House staff, we are talking about their self-insert counterparts and not the real life versions. When Whitney Wetta is talking about her daughter to Miguel, she mentions someone named Laurel. She often mispronounces her daughter's friend's name. Examples are Laurel, Laura, Loral, Laural, Loralie, Loralei, Lorelei, Lory and humorously, Lore. The person's name she's referring to is LORI.**

 **Todd Oman's company, Slyco, is pretty much doomed from the start. It's supposed to be a carbonated beverage company akin to Coca Cola. The problem is that it's COMPETING with Coca Cola, which has franchises globally! For those that care, Lola helps with the logistical processing of the drink orders, making sure the paperwork is in order, before the beverages get transported to their destination. The company's name is a portmanteau of the words "sly" (chosen because Todd Oman's self-insert has a shifty-looking appearance, in reality he's a pretty affable guy and his business is legitimate) and "coca" (the plant where Coca Cola gets their sweeteners from). It also sounds like the word "psycho", which is what some people think of Lola (in the show's canon, so far, though admittedly, the writers are showing more of Lola's nice side in season 2).**


	11. Anticlimax

**"Sex is a natural function. You can't make it happen, but you can teach people to let it happen." -William Masters**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Leif and Lola have sex**

* * *

Leif has a surprised reaction.

"Lola, you want kids?"

"Yes, I've been thinking about it for a few years now. I think it's time."

"But are you sure we're ready for this? I mean, taking care of children is a serious responsibility!"

"I know…"

"But…If you really want children, there's only one way to get one…"

"You mean?"

"Yes, that…"

"Oh…"

"Are you sure you're ready for this? It's entirely your choice."

She thinks it over for a little while…

"Yes, this is something that I want."

"Well, then. You know what we must do."

* * *

Later that night…

We see Lola wearing a robe, while Leif is waiting patiently.

"I don't know about this, Leif."

"You can still back out, you know…"

…

…

…

"So, you still want to go through with it?"

She nods, and takes off her robe, revealing that she's wearing a pink bra and a pair of pink panties.

"Wow, you look even more beautiful than I imagined…"

"Thanks, but you didn't notice earlier?"

"No, it's just you were beautiful before, but now you look even more beautiful. But I don't want to stroke your ego, shall we get started?"

Lola seems hesitant to continue…

"Are you nervous?"

"Well…yes."

"Don't worry, we'll do a warm-up before moving onto the real thing."

"Warm-up?"

"Yes, now do you want to start the warm up?"

"Yes, I'm ready."

"Ok…let's start."

* * *

Lola lays down on the bed, the bed contouring to her feminine figure.

Leif starts feeling Lola's body. Starting with her face, then slowly descending parallel to her figure. He touches the outline of her arms and body, then quickly glides over her pelvis before descending to her legs.

"Hee-hee! That tickles!"

"Do you feel anything yet?"

"A combination of laughter and happiness."

"Ok, that's a good start, but I think it's time to move on to the next stage of the warm-up."

His hands return back to Lola's neckline. They slink along the back and feel a soft piece of plastic. He unhooks it. In an overdramatic fashion, Lola's brassiere falls onto the bed with a resounding thud.

"Still want to go through with this?"

"Yes."

"Ok…tell me if you want to stop."

Leif cups his hands on Lola's breasts. They feel warm and pliable. He starts to fondle them. Lola begins to blush and feel warm.

"Do you like it?"

"Yes, keep going."

Leif obliges, he rubs his hand on her breasts faster, Lola seems to be in further arousal.

"That was…amazing…" she said contentedly

"Are you ready for the final stage of the warm-up?"

"What would that be?"

"For you, one of the greatest feelings. For me, one of the worst feelings. But it's worth it to make you happy. Ready?"

"Yes."

He puts his hands on her pelvis.

"What are you do…?"

He presses down softly on it and holds for about 20 seconds. Lola can feel the soft yet firm pressure on her clitoris. It feels like a tight hug on her pleasure center. It's so sexy, so intimate, so…ahh…

Lola has hit the peak of stimulation. She lets out a sigh of relief as her panties turn a pale creamy color in the center.

"What was that?" She says woozily

"An anticlimax." He responds "Now that you've got a taste of arousal, do you still want to go through with the real thing?"

"Yes, I still want children…"

"Ah, I guess you're adamant about this, so I can't deter you. But that's fine, I want to take care of a child, too. Ok, I will ask one last time, because after this point, there is no going back. Do you still want children?"

"Yes."

* * *

"Ok, then let's do this."

"One thing though…"

"What is it?"

"It's my first time."

"It's my first time, too."

"Can you just…be gentle?"

…

…

…

"Of course, Lola. Anything for you."

* * *

And with that, they begin to start doing the real thing. Leif pulls of Lola's panties so he can begin. He goes and inserts his penis into her vulva, but runs into the first problem, the hymen. He could just blast his way through, but…he doesn't want to hurt Lola! He softly and carefully pierces through it, as the thin membrane dissipates away.

"Did you feel that? I didn't want to hurt you!"

"Feel what, Leif?"

"Sigh. Ok, glad to see you're still safe."

With that done, he starts feeling inside. He's feeling across the interior labia walls for her clitoris. As he knows that that is Lola's pleasure center. After all, if he subjected her to this, he should make it as enjoyable as possible for her. He owes this much to her.

"Oh, yes! Leif, keep going!" Lola declared as she's steadily getting more and more aroused.

He felt it, he found the clitoris. He begins rubbing the 2 sexual organs together. Both of them are gaining mutual arousal, though Lola seems to be the one enjoying the experience.

"Ah! That's the spot, keep going… oh!" Lola said ecstatically

Leif continues. Lola begins to gasp and moan in ecstasy. Seeing her in full arousal make him more aroused! Both of them continue until they reach the peak of arousal. Lola lets out a relieved sigh slightly ahead of Leif, but both of them did it, they had a simultaneous orgasm.

We cut to the inside of Lola's vagina to see the sex magic. A massive wave of white as the orgasms collide with one another. A wave of sperm split off at the intersection of the fallopian tubes where Lola's egg resides. We see a part of the sperm wave head toward the egg, and eventually, one of the sperm penetrates her egg!

How could Lola let this happen?! She has been penetrated thrice! First, the bra, then, her genitalia, and now, her egg! The very thing she biologically was entrusted to! The very thing that symbolically represents her womanhood, was penetrated by her own best friend! How could he betray her like this?! Yet for everything that happened, Lola realizes…

…

…

…

In order for them to have a child, this had to have happened.

"Leif, thanks…"

"Your welcome, Lola."

"Do you think it will be a boy or a girl?"

"Either way, we'll be the best parents we can be."

* * *

 **Preview**

"Hey, Levi. It's me."

"Oh, what do you want, Cro-Magnon?"

"Levi, do you still have the armors from prank wars past?"

"Yes."

"Are they still usable?"

"No, but I fixed and replaced them, so yes. What is this for anyway, Leif?"

"Protocol P9."


	12. 9 Stages Of Grief

**"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt." -Erma Bombeck**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Leif tries to survive the 9 stages of grief**

* * *

1 day later…

"So, uh…do you feel any different, Lola?"

"No."

"Well, just in case. Maybe you should get a pregnancy test?"

"Sure, I know just the place."

"Don't say the dollar store, those are more likely to give out false positives. But I know where you can get one."

He leaves… about 15 minutes later he returns with a pregnancy test. Lola takes the test and gets a...

…

…

…

"+"

"So, it's true, you are pregnant. Well, in that case, I'm going to need some supplies to survive the 9 stages of grief."

"9 stages of grief?"

"Yeah, you probably will act drastically different due to the various symptoms. So, I'm getting some stuff for my protection."

He calls someone on his cell phone.

"Hello, you've reached the house of unrecognized talent, Levi speaking."

"Hey, Levi. It's me."

"Oh, what do you want, Cro-Magnon?"

"Levi, do you still have the armors from prank wars past?"

"Yes."

"Are they still usable?"

"No, but I fixed and replaced them, so yes. What is this for anyway, Leif?"

"Protocol P9."

"My god, you have to deal with a pregnancy? You poor bastard. Come by and pick up the armors."

Thanks, Levi. I might need more stuff from you later."

* * *

He goes to the predetermined location Levi sent on his phone. He meets up with him and picks up the armors. He drives back to their house and goes into the bathroom to put on all the armors. It looks like a haphazardly put together amalgamation of clothes, but it will protect him. With catcher's gear, chainmail, Kevlar (at Levi's request, a durable lightweight version), 3 layers of helmets (army, head of a furry suit and a watermelon rind, in that order) all bound together with bubble wrap. He steps outside and shows it off to me.

"So, what do you think? Will this be enough to survive 9 months?"

"Geeze, Leif. Isn't that overkill?" I asked

"You say that now, but once you get mood swings, this multilayered clothing Levi sent me will protect me from a hormonally unstable you."

"Ok, but isn't it hot in there?"

"Extremely, but Levi thought of that too. He put in a thermal regulator to cool me down if it gets too hot. Now to set the timer for 9 months. I hope I can survive you long enough to see our child…" He lamented

* * *

Stage 1:

"Leif?"

"Yes, Lola?"

"Am I fat?"

He immediately responds with "No!" After that attempt on his life, he regains his composure and asks "Why do think that?"

"Well, I've been looking in the mirror lately, and it seems I'm…heavier than usual."

"Of course, a baby is growing inside you right now. Anything else?"

"Well, I've been experiencing cramps and morning sickness."

"That's normal."

"I've also been feeling fatigued."

"Then take a rest."

"Ok, Leif…"

I rest on our bed and massage my breasts. They've been feeling sore lately…

* * *

Stage 2:

"It hurts to go to the bathroom!"

"Maybe you should eat more fiber?"

I walk over to Leif. He's still wearing that stupid multi-layered suit.

"PHEW! Leif, have you taken a shower yet?"

"No, I'm trying to not get accidentally murdered by you!"

"Either way, the trash is starting to stink, can you take it out?"

"Yes."

He goes off to do so.

I go back to sleep. Vivid dreams that evoke intense emotions flash one by one.

"Will you protect Lincoln from now on?"

"It was a tragic accident. Lynn didn't mean to kill Lana!"

"Oh really, let's hear what the master comedienne came up with."

"Oh, it's you. You know, you always were a royal pain, just like your twin sister."

"My god, just… SHUT… UP!"

"Wow, you must be really strong to beat me! Here is proof of your win against me, the Essence Badge!"

"He doesn't understand. That we take what we want, when we want!"

The dreamscape shifts to show a few familiar moments that we know.

"You can't go back, you can never go back!"

"MY PAGEANT CAREER IS OVER!"

"Are you ok? Did you have a nightmare?"

The dreamscape shifts for a third time, this time, it shifts to a cold place.

"Where am I?"

"You're in delirium, caused by your vivid dream."

"Leni? Is that you?"

"In a way, yes. I'm the light of your mind."

"So, you're in my brain? Cool!"

"Yes, but he's also here."

"Who?"

"Delirium, the darkness of your mind."

"What does it all mean?"

"It will come to fruition in due time, my dear Lola. But for now, you should be with your family."

The dreamscape shatters as Lola wakes up from her sleep.

"Those were some weird dreams…I'm sure they were nothing…" I reassured myself

* * *

Stage 3:

"Argh! My head hurts!"

"Well is there any reason why that would happen?"

"I can't really think of anything…"

"Well, just take some aspirin. Maybe that would help."

"I feel kind of dizzy, too."

"Have you been drinking plenty of water?"

"Yes."

"Weird, it also says that you can snack to avoid it, but I know you've been raiding the fridge for sweets."

"I have not!" I scoffed

"Lola, I saw you. Don't try to deny it."

"Say, where are you getting all of this information?"

"Oh, from some pregnancy website. They said that the mood swings should die down by this point. So, I can stop wearing this suit."

"That's great."

"I'm surprised, you didn't have many mood swings."

"Hopefully, it should get easier for me, so now I can help you even more now."

* * *

Stage 4:

"Ow…my back aches!"

"Then do some stretches, it's what people at the gym do."

"My eyes also itch."

"Try flushing it out with water?"

"Can you remind me what I'm supposed to be doing?"

"You have to send those inventory reports to Mr. Oman. But you really should take some time off for this."

"And miss work? I can't! Especially not now!"

"I'm just saying that this might affect your productivity, which will affect his profits."

"No, I can keep going."

"Fine, just don't push yourself too hard."

"On an unrelated note, my skin has never looked better."

* * *

Stage 5:

"It feels like I can't breathe!"

"Just sit down and rest."

"My legs feel like they have Charlie horses!"

"Keep stretching to keep yourself limber."

* * *

Stage 6:

"So, any different symptoms?"

"No, it's the same ones, they're just at a higher intensity."

"Hang in there, Lola…"

* * *

Stage 7:

"Leif?"

"Yes?"

"I can't sleep."

"Oh, that's normal."

He continues.

"Well, only 3 more stages. While the first 3 are grief for me, the last 3 are grief for you. You should prepare on how to deal with immense pain."

"Why is that?"

"Isn't it obvious, once we hit stage 9, you're going to go into labor to give birth to our child. It will be the worst pain you've ever experienced in your life."

"Oh…joy…"

* * *

Stage 8:

"Um, Lola. Mr. Oman wants to talk to you."

I step into his office looking nervous.

"Well, Lola. I have to say you are a great worker. But that's not why I called you in here. Your husband called me to say that you're in your third trimester, and that you should be at home to prepare for your little bundle of joy. So, why haven't you told me?"

"Because I didn't want to miss work because of this. I need to earn money to prepare for our incoming arrival."

"Lola, I admire your work ethic and all of my employees should aspire to be like you, but this is an important event in your life. I am ordering you to go home. I already have a temp to take your place in your absence."

"But Mr. Oman…"

"Lola, this is a direct order. GO… HOME…"

I nod, knowing he's right. I leave work and go home. Meanwhile, at the park…

* * *

"Hey, you lazy slackers! Mrs. Wetta wants this park sparkling! Mrs. Crowley scolded

Leif approaches Mrs. Crowley.

"What, Loud?" She sneered

"Can I ask Mrs. Wetta something?"

"No, slacker. Now get back to work!"

Suddenly, Mrs. Crowley's walkie-talkie activates.

"Yeah?"

"I want to hear what he has to say."

"Mrs. Wetta?!"

"I don't want to hear it, tell Mr. Loud to get over here."

Unbeknownst to Leif, Mrs. Wetta has security cameras with microphones everywhere to monitor the park. She has eyes and ears everywhere!

"Hey, Loud! Mrs. Wetta wants to see you!"

Leif heads into the station where Mrs. Wetta is.

"I overheard what you said. What did you want to say to me?"

"Well, it's just…my wife is in her third trimester."

Mrs. Wetta's ears perk up.

"Really?! Congratulations, Leif!"

"Thanks. But that leads me into my question. Can I take 2 months off so I can take care of my wife?"

"Doesn't she have her family?"

"Well yes, but they have their own lives to take care of. As much as we'd love that, it's such a slim chance that it probably wouldn't happen."

"I see…"

Mrs. Wetta thinks it over and glances at Leif.

"Well, you don't look like you're lying…and we do have emergency employees to take your place while you're gone…

…

…

…

"Ok, I approve it, go take care of your wife."

"Really, thank you, Mrs. Wetta!" Leif says excitedly as he dashes out the door. He gets into his car and leaves. Unfortunately, Mrs. Crowley saw him.

"Hey! Get back here, degenerate!" Mrs. Crowley yelled at him. This time the intercom blares.

"Mrs. Crowley? I would like to see you in my office."

"OOH! It seems "Spectacular Sammie" messed up!" Miguel taunted

"Shut up, Puga!" She rebuked

Miguel goes back to mowing the park's lawn. Sammie heads into Mrs. Wetta's office.

"You wanted to see me, Whitney?"

"Don't call me that, Sammie."

Mrs. Wetta sighs.

"Why did you yell at Leif like that?"

"Because he left work! That lazy bum!"

"I let him go!"

Mrs. Crowley is taken aback in shock!

"Why would you do that, Whit?!"

"His wife is about to go into labor, so he has to be there to care for her!"

"Pshaw! He's lying to get out of work!"

"He's a hard worker, why would he be lying?"

Mrs. Crowley gives an annoyed grimace.

"Do you think you could be nicer?"

"What for?"

"So that people actually want to work for us. You're the most unpopular worker at this park."

Her eyes soften.

"Come on, Sam. I know you have a heart, why don't you show kindness to them? They'll work harder if they actually like this job."

…

"Remember when we were kids?"

* * *

Flashback to when they were in school. We see a younger Whitney writing something...

"And so, I learned that you shouldn't try to change people, that they should be themselves. The end."

"Wow, that story was amazing."

"Well, thanks! Someday, when I grow up, I'm going to write stories!"

The flashback ends.

* * *

"Remember when we co-wrote stories together? Those were the days. Ah, but the show had its series finale a few years ago."

"Anything else?"

"No, I just want you to be nice. You can head back to work, now."

Mrs. Crowley leaves.

Meanwhile, back at Leif and Lola's house…

"Do you feel anything?"

"It feels like I have an ulcer."

"Well, pop an antacid."

"And…my breasts are ejaculating!"

"What?"

"See. There's a yellowish fluid oozing out."

"The website says that that fluid is called "colostrum", it's a form of milk that our baby will consume once it's been born."

"Oh, that's a relief, I thought it was some sort of pus."

"No, colostrum is completely normal. It's almost time for the big day. Are you ready?"

"Yes."

* * *

Stage 9:

"Everything hurts!"

"That's because it's almost time. We need to get to the doctor."

Leif drives to the hospital, while I scream in pain for most of the ride. He arrives at the front desk.

"Ah, yes. The doctor knew you'd arrive here soon, Mr. and Mrs. Loud. Head to room 624 of the OBGYN ward."

He rushes into the room. The doctor is already there.

"Ok, Mrs. Loud, lay down on the bed, while we get ready."

The contractions start, Leif can only look on in horror as I was experiencing the worst pain in my life. Eventually, after what seemed liked hours, our baby was born. The doctor cut the umbilical cord and wiped away the thin membrane protecting it, after all, it won't need it anymore. She gave our baby to me and said:

"Congratulations, Mrs. Loud, you've given birth to a healthy baby girl!"

"YES!"

Leif wanted our baby to be a girl, while I wanted it to be a boy.

"So, what are we going to name her?"

"I've been thinking about it for some time, but how about…"

…

…

…

"Alexa?"

"Wow, a name that doesn't start with "L"?"

"Why not break the mold?"

"Well, Alexa is a fine name, Leif."

I turn to our newborn.

"Hey there, Alexa. We can't wait to shower you with love."

* * *

 **Preview**

"Ok, sweetie pie, spell out the word "petunia"". I gently nudged at her

She writes down a word.

"Ok, let mommy see how you did."

I read off the letters one-by-one.

"P-e"

"This is a good start, Alexa."

"c-u-n-i-a"


	13. Dyslexic Difficultatibus

**"That said, being dyslexic, I wasn't a great reader when I was kid." -Richard Ford**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Leif and Lola teach Alexa about literacy, with limited success...**

* * *

"We were so happy. Leif doted on her as much as he could. We taught her how to walk…"

Scene transitions into the living room. Leif and Lola are trying to get Alexa to walk over to where they are.

"Come on, you can do it, Alexa."

"Walk over here."

She manages to toddle over to them, gaining mass adulation from her parents.

"Congratulations, you did it."

"We're proud of you!"

* * *

"How to talk…"

Scene cuts to them teaching Alexa how to spell out words.

"Ok, Alexa. Spell out "autem".

"A-u-t-u-m-n."

I pull Leif aside.

"What are you doing?"

"Teaching our daughter how to spell, Lola."

"But she can't even understand English words yet! So, why are you trying to get her to spell out Latin words?"

"I wanted to see if she could do it."

"Not even most adults understand Latin! What makes you think a 3-year-old would?"

"No, you're right. So what English word do you want her to spell?"

"How about…. "however?""

I turn and face Alexa.

"Alexa, can you spell the word "however"?

Alexa gives a confused glance at me.

"Maybe she needs to hear it in a sentence."

Leif turns to Alexa.

"Ok, here's a sentence for context: "Your mom might be prim and perfect now, however, when she was 6-years-old, she was kind of infamous for being a spoiled brat.""

I give an intense glare at him.

"Oh, come on, Lola. You know it's true. Besides, I'm just teasing you."

Alexa starts to spell out a word.

"H-o-w-a-v-e-r"

"You know, I think our daughter knows the words, but is misspelling them on purpose just to mess with us."

"Maybe, she should write them."

* * *

The scene cuts to Alexa in front of a desk with a pencil and a piece of paper.

"Ok, sweetie pie, spell out the word "petunia"". I gently nudged at her

She writes down a word.

"Ok, let mommy see how you did."

I read off the letters one-by-one.

"P-e"

"This is a good start, Alexa."

"c-u-n-i-a".

"Well, she did spell the word correc-" I realize. "Wait, "pecunia"? I asked you to spell the word "petunia", Alexa! "Pecunia" isn't even a real word!"

"Actually, my dear Lola, it is. "Pecunia" means "money" in Latin." Leif corrected "Well, at least we know. Alexa can spell and write correctly, but she's just playing with us."

Leif walks over to her and ruffles her hair. He then gently pats her on the head.

"Aww, I just can't stay mad at you, my adorable little scamp."

Alexa gives a cute, heart-meltingly adorable smile back at him.

* * *

"How to read, though I will admit that was a challenge."

Scene cuts to Alexa in front of a book. She slowly processing the words on the page.

"On-es a-pawn a thymore." She struggled

"How is it she can read and write words correctly, but struggle to read them on a page?"

"Wait, I think I know what it is. After all, I had trouble reading when I was her age."

"Wait? You couldn't read?"

"It was too hard for me, but my brother taught me that reading isn't as hard as it should be."

I head on over to where Alexa is reading.

"Hey, what's going on?" As I try to make small talk with her

"I'm trying to read this book, but I can't understand how the words fit on the page?! I hate reading!"

She throws the book aside.

"Hey there, I know what you're feeling. I had trouble reading when I was your age, too."

"Really, mom? You had trouble reading before? But I've seen you read so effortlessly now."

"That's because my brother taught me how to read. And now, I'm going to teach you how to read, just like he did."

"Are you sure? I'm so slow…"

"We'll get through it together. And you'll see, the more you read, the easier it gets."

…

…

…

"Huh? Is there an echo chamber in here? I feel like I've heard those words before…"

A few hours later…

"And they lived happily ever after, the end."

"You did it, Alexa, you got through an entire book!"

"Aw, but that was only because you helped me, mom…"

* * *

The next day…

"You did WHAT?! Leif!"

"Sorry, Lola. But it's already set up. I'm worried about our daughter. She can't read at the same pace as the other 6-year-olds at her school. We're going to the doctor to see if she has a learning disability."

Leif drives his family over to the doctor. They eventually meet up with her.

"Hello, Loud family, I'm Dr. Griffin. This is the patient, I presume?"

"Yes, this is our daughter, Alexa. Say hi to the nice lady, dear."

"Hi."

"Aw, how cute! But you said you think she has a learning disability?"

"Yes."

"Well, can she come on over into that room so that I can test her?" She says while pointing to a room behind her."

"Sure. Alexa, can you go with Dr. Griffin here? Don't worry, we'll be right out here."

"Ok, daddy." Alexa says as she ambles to the doctor's room. Approximately 45 minutes later. Both of them return back to the lobby.

"Ok, before I can give an accurate diagnosis, I'm curious... does one of you have dyslexia?"

"I do." I admit "But I am getting better at reading."

"Ah, I see. Well then, in my expert opinion, I think Alexa has Synlexia."

"Synlexia? What is that?"

"Synlexia is a learning abnormality that a child can rarely inherit from their parents."

* * *

Dr. Griffin pulls out a tablet which has a slideshow on it. She plays it for them.

"See, synlexia lets the child copy the literacy skills of their parents. Ordinarily this would do nothing. But if a person has hyperlexia, then something like this will happen."

A picture of 2 people is shown. The one that looks like Leif says:

"Vos sunt quod optimum rem id semper factum ut mihi, mea filiae."

The one that looks like Alexa says in response:

"Ego diligitis vos ita tantum, pater."

"So, they can copy learned languages?" I enquired

"Yes." Dr. Griffin responded "But on the flipside, if one of the parents has dyslexia…"

The slideshow now shows a picture of a person that looks like Lola, who is trying to read from a book to the person who looks like Alexa.

"Tuh-huh-ee cowl juhmpt o-vere the mun."

The figure that looks like Alexa tries to read, but to no avail.

"Jak climed a top thee beenstawlk two sea the ghiantz casle in the skeye."

"Oh, I see."

"Don't worry, the treatments for dyslexia also works for a synlexic copying a dyslexic parent. So, if you were able to overcome your dyslexia, Mrs. Loud, then I'm sure your daughter can too!" Dr. Griffin assured me

"Oh, ok. Thanks for everything, Doc."

"Anytime."

We leave the doctor's office and head back to our house.

* * *

"That's great, Alexa. You just have to keep practicing, and you'll be able to read just like me."

"Yay! I want to be like you, mommy." Alexa chimed happily. I give a kind smile in response

I go over to talk to Leif.

"Ah, she's great, isn't she?" Leif commented

"Yes, but…"

"But what, Lola?"

"Well…I wanted a son."

"What?! Don't you love Alexa?!"

"Of course, I do! It's just…I want to raise a son, too…"

"Ok, while I would love to raise another child, don't you think one is enough for us?"

"No…?"

"Well, I'll ask Alexa, after all, she's family too, and she should have a say-so in the matter."

Leif goes over to Alexa.

"Hey, Alexa."

"Hi, daddy."

"Listen, I want your opinion on something. Do you want a sibling?"

…

…

…

"Yes! I'll be the best big sister ever!" Alexa declared proudly

"Ok, I'll tell your mother."

Leif goes over to me.

"She said yes."

"I'll spare you the details this time since you already heard this once before, but I'll skip ahead to when we name our child."

"Ok, Mrs. Loud. This time it's a baby boy."

"What should we name it."

"Since he'll take after you, Lola. How about… Lyle?"

"Ok then, Lyle. Welcome to the world, I'm your mother, Lola. That's your sister, Alexa, and that's your father, Leif."

"And that's when things got…interesting."

* * *

 **Preview**

"Oh, I'm glad you came back." Leif said exasperatedly "Say, Lola. Were you ever difficult as a child?"

"You mean aside from being a spoiled brat and beating up my twin sister on a regular occasion, no."

* * *

 **Author's Note: It is kind of impressive that a 3-year-old can spell out the word "autumn". Although, Leif wanted to see if she can spell the word "autem". Originally, Alexa was going to confuse the words "however" and "howitzer". However is an auxiliary adverb, whereas a howitzer is a cannon outfitted as an artillery weapon. And yes, Leif was right, Alexa does know the words, but she's misspelling them on purpose to mess with them. I mean, she can spell out the Latin word for "money" perfectly.**

 **A note about Synlexia, the person with the abnormality can only copy one of their parents. As Dr. Griffin points out, since both parents have relatively the same level of literacy, synlexia will have no noticeable effects. But if a hyperlexic parent is copied, then the child could inherit the same literacy level as that parent. The effect is more egregious if the hyperlexic is multilingual, as the child can also copy the languages the hyperlexic has learned! On the flipside, if the child copies a dyslexic parent, then they will exhibit the same learning problems as a person with true dyslexia! Luckily, this literary abnormality is rare. Can you imagine if Lisa knew about this abnormality? She might try to crossbreed humans to form a hyperlexic master race! Which is good, because illiteracy would be wiped out, but it's also highly unethical (not that Lisa would care about the ramifications of such), as this is akin to DNA editing! In real life, scientists already have made "designer babies", that a person can edit by changing their DNA to get a desired trait, so is what Lisa would do any different?**

 **Also, for those that care, the Latin used in Dr. Griffin's demonstration translates to "You are the best thing that ever happened to me, my daughter" and "I love you so much, father."**

 **I forgot to mention that Lola experienced a slight variation of symptoms during her second pregnancy. You all know how Lola is addicted to sweets? Well, she managed to experience weird food cravings this time and had developed an addiction to salty foods. Once, Leif drank a glass of water that Lola made for herself and he commented that it tasted saltier than the Dead Sea! Luckily, this only lasted a month.**

 **It never comes up in the story, but if Leif is actually mad at Alexa, he will refer to her by a variant of her name. Common examples are Alex, Alexis, Lexis, Lexie or Lexi. If he's really mad at her, he will use Alec, Lec, Alexandra or the worst one, Lex. However, it's incredibly rare for Leif to be mad at Alexa, as she's a good kid.**


	14. Unum Malum Pomum

**"One bad apple spoils the barrel." -Ancient Proverb**

 **Chapter Synopsis: We are introduced to Lyle, and boy is he interesting...**

* * *

"It was very odd, Lyle is a very sweet boy when he interacts with either me or his sister."

Scene transition to Lola playing with Lyle.

"Lyle, do you love me?"

"Yay! I wuv you so much, mommy!"

"Hey mom, I'm going to school now."

"Ok, Alexa. Say goodbye to your brother before you go."

"Aw, see you later, Lyle. We'll play together after school."

I look at my watch.

"Oh dear. Leif, can you watch Lyle while I go to work?"

"Sure, Lola."

Lyle starts to cry upon hearing this.

"Oh, don't worry, baby. Mommy will be home soon. Until then, daddy will watch over you."

The wails intensify. The decibel level matched Lily's crying from when she was a child.

"I think Lyle has separation anxiety with you."

"Yeah, I hope he will outgrow it. Either way, I have to go now."

"Ok, goodbye."

I leave for work while Leif babysits Lyle.

"Aww, who's a cute little…"

He reaches into Lyle's crib. Lyle grabs his hand and tries to bite him. Leif claimed that Lyle was trying to sever one of his fingers off or infect him with rabies, but since Lyle didn't have any teeth back then, I thought Lyle was just teething on his finger.

* * *

Later that night…

"Oh, I'm glad you came back." Leif said exasperatedly "Say, Lola. Were you ever difficult as a child?"

"You mean aside from being a spoiled brat and beating up my twin sister on a regular occasion, no."

"Then why did Lyle throw stuff at me?"

"I don't know, we'll figure it out, together."

* * *

"As he grew up, he was a bright student, getting mostly A's on his assignments. The teachers even say he was one of the best students they've had in a long time. He even made some friends. But, as his school life excelled, his family life slowly deteriorated."

It is 2046. Lola and Leif are 36 years old, Alexa is 12 years old and Lyle is 6 years old.

"Hey, little bro. I got an A in my social studies class!"

"That's amazing, Alexa!"

"Yeah, it is, Lyle. The unit was about a Chinese philosopher named _Confucius_ , who instilled a "golden rule". I believe it was "do unto others as they would do to you", or something like that."

"So, you're saying that if someone did something bad, they should receive punishment in return?"

"Well, that is a part of it, yes."

Lyle realizes something.

"Hey, sis. Can we talk in private?"

"Sure."

* * *

Alexa and Lyle enter her room. It's coated in a light purple. Mementos of Leif and Lola playing with her are displayed proudly on her nightstand.

"So, Lys, what did you want to talk to me about."

"I think our dad has done some very bad things to mom."

"WHAT?!" Alexa blurted out

"Shh, keep it down, sis."

"How is that even possible, dad has shown nothing but love for us!"

"That's just what he wants you to think. But I know the truth."

"Which is?"

"In order for us to be born, our dad raped our mom."

"No way!" Alexa said in sheer disbelief, not that we can blame her

"This is unforgivable to me, and there's only one thing that can make it right."

"What?"

"He needs to pay for his violation against our mom, and basic human decency. So…

…

…

…

"I have to kill him, that's the only penance suitable enough for it."

"Are you seriously suggesting committing patricide?!"

"Well, I was going to castrate him to teach him a lesson, but we were born from this despicable act, so death is his only redemption."

"No, I don't believe you, dad would never commit such a heinous act!"

"I know it's tough for you to accept, especially since he's treated you like daddy's little princess, but that's the truth."

"If it's because he hasn't showered you with love, I'm sure I can convince our parents to appreciate you more."

"They already appreciate me."

Lyle sighs and puts his hand on his sister's shoulder.

"My beautiful, but naïve sister. This isn't about love…"

…

…

…

"It's about revenge."

"No, I don't believe you! I'm going to find out the REAL truth!"

"Go ahead and try, but you'll reach the same conclusion as me."

Lyle leaves Alexa's room, leaving her to contemplate what just happened."

* * *

The next day…

"Mom, I have to ask you something."

"What is it, Alexa?"

"This is a bit uncomfortable to say, but…"

"Go ahead, you can ask me anything."

"Did dad… rape you?"

I was shocked that my 12-year-old daughter knew what the word "rape" was. Nevertheless, I regained my composure and asked this in response.

"Who told you that?!"

"Lyle did."

"Lyle?"

"Well, my daughter, what he said is completely untrue. We had consensual sex."

"Consensual?"

"Yes, we mutually agreed to have kids, and we both had sex in order for both of you to come into this world. Sorry you had to hear this at such a young age. I wanted to wait until you were a little bit older."

"Well, even though his claim is false, Lyle believes it to be true. He's so into his delusions that he wants to kill dad for you!"

"He wants to do what?!"

"I think he needs help."

"I totally agree, but first things first…"

"Huh?"

"My family's having a reunion, I think it's time for you guys to meet your aunts and uncles."

"Really?"

"Yep. And once that's done. We'll deal with our Lyle problem."

* * *

 **Preview**

Ok, It's time. I try and find my brother within the cloud of people. I manage to eventually talk to him.

"Lincoln!"

"Oh no, what did I do to make you mad this time, Lols?!"

"Nothing, Linky! I just want to ask how the past 18 years have been."

"Oh, well. They've been good. I'm working on a project for my new job. I can't say what it is yet, but I'm super excited to show everyone once it's complete!"

* * *

 **Author's Note: Finally, the namesake proverb makes it's appearance! One Bad Seed got its name from this proverb. No one knows who first said it, as the speaker's name was lost to history, so it's just labeled as an ancient proverb. So, about Lyle...basically, you take all of Lola's negative traits and give her no redeeming qualities, then transplant that consciousness into a male body and you get Lyle. There is ONE redeeming quality about him, however. He loves his mother and sister unconditionally and would do anything to protect them. Other than that, he's basically an even worse version of Lola. As for why Lyle would tell Alexa about his plan... simple, he trusts her as his sole confidant.**

 **By the way, it doesn't matter who the father is. If Lyle is born, he'd automatically assume that since he was born, his father would have raped his mother, even if that wasn't the case. He'd still be his delusional patricidal self...**

 **Alexa's nickname for Lyle, Lys, is pronounced "lies".**


	15. The Loudest Reunion

**"Ever wonder what it's like to grow up in a big family?"-Lincoln Loud, June 5, 2014, 12 words that, unbeknownst to him at the time, will make animation history**

 **Chapter Synopsis: We see what the Loud family has done in the past 18 years**

* * *

"We'd been planning this family reunion for quite a while now. It was an ill-fated coincidence that Alexa warned me about Lyle's issues on the day before our meetup, and I can't just not go visit my family! After all, it has been 18 years since I've last seen them, and not going would be too evil, even for me!"

Scene transition to the family having breakfast.

"So, do you like it?" I asked

"That depends, did you make it, or did he make it?" Lyle sneered

"It was a joint effort." I assured him "We both made it."

"Sorry, but even though you made this, mom, I can't eat this if dad helped to make it!"

"Why? What's wrong?"

"He helped make it."

"Lyle, please put aside your pettiness and eat. We both worked hard on it."

"No."

"Lyle." My voice turns stern "Your father makes most of our food. You do realize that you're intentionally starving yourself for some petty grudge?"

"Of course, I realize that, mom. But I refuse to associate myself with anything that involves him!"

"Are you sure you don't want it? It's really good." Alexa questioned

"Yes, you can have mine."

Lyle gives his plate of French toast to Alexa, who gleefully gobbles it up.

"It's so…PERFECT!" Alexa praised "You two really are made for each other."

"Aw thanks, Alexa…"

Lyle gags at this assertion. He leaves to go call someone.

"You'd better not try to call the cops on Leif again!" I rebuked

* * *

Flashback to Lyle trying to get Leif arrested.

"Yes, this is 911, what is the nature of your emergency?"

"This is Lyle Loud at 1432 Lacrimal Lane. The emergency is that my father had committed first-degree CSC twice. Once, in the year 2034, and again in the year 2040. What makes me say that it's first-degree? Because he coerced my mom into having sex with him."

"Ok, was he armed during the attempted rape?"

"No."

"Did he ever carry out any threats against your mom?"

"No."

"Did your mom ever felt like she was in any danger?"

"No."

"Was she under the influence of drugs or alcohol?"

"No."

("Ha, this is it! Leif is finally going to get his just desserts! Even if the police can't pin first-degree CSC on him, at minimum, he's going to be arraigned on third-degree charges, and that means the police will force him to be on the sex offender registry. I don't think he can handle people calling him a rapist, therefore, his life is ruined, ergo, a victory for me!")

"Well, Mr. Loud, with all the information you've given me here, I can safely deduce that your parents just had sex. Now you said you were at 1432 Lacrimal Lane, correct?"

"Yes, officer."

"Ok, we'll send a squad over there."

"Thanks."

Lyle hangs up. The police arrive within 15 minutes.

"Cops, thank goodness. The rapist is in there." Lyle nudges the police in the right direction while he's pointing to his parent's room.

"Actually, we're looking for Lyle Loud." The lead officer responded

"Oh, that would be me, officer."

"Ok, hands behind your back, kid."

"Wait, what are you…?"

"Lyle Loud, you're under arrest for disorderly conduct. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can, and will, be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford one, you will be provided one by the state."

The lead officer talks to a deputy.

"Cuff him."

The deputy places handcuffs on him and escorts him to the squad car.

* * *

The lead officer knocks on the parent's door. Lola opens it.

"Can I help you, officer?"

"Ma'am, we're with the RWPD, can we speak with Lyle's parents?"

"Well, I'm Lyle's mother, Lola Loud."

The officer has a shocked expression.

"Wait, that name sounds familiar. Are you the same Lola Loud that Sergei blacklisted?"

"Hey, that was an accident! It's not my fault if he slipped on a plate after getting PTSD from hearing my voice!"

"Relax, we're not here about that. We're here about Lyle."

"Is there something wrong?"

"Well, he prank called 911, claiming that his father is a rapist."

"Well, that's not true!"

"I believe you, but can both of you come down and take a polygraph, just so we can be sure?"

"Sure."

Leif and Lola get a ride down to the station, where Lyle is being held. Both of them enter the interrogation room, where the proctor administers them to the polygraph machine. Leif and Lola answer the questions, and a few minutes later, the results came back and said they weren't lying. Lola heads to the jail cell where her son is being held.

"Lyle!"

"Mom, get me out of here!"

"They said you prank called 911!"

"I didn't, I told the truth! They wouldn't believe me!"

Lola flags down an officer and asks about Lyle's status as a prisoner.

"Officer, will he have to be in jail?"

"No, he's on $500 dollars bail."

"If I pay it, can he go home?"

"Yes."

Lola pays $500 dollars to bail him out. The 3 of them head back home.

"Oh, thank you so much, mom!" Lyle chimed in

"I don't want to hear it, young man." Lola scolded "You're grounded for two months for trying to get the police to arrest your father. No TV, no video games, no hanging out with your friends, do I make myself clear, Lyle?"

"Yes, mom…" He said dejectedly

The flashback ends.

* * *

"That wasn't the last time, either. You've called the cops on Leif so many times, that we actually became friends with the police! Well, us and Alexa, at least. You've been blacklisted." I added

"Relax, mom. I'm not calling the cops…yet. I'm just calling a friend for a school project."

"Oh, ok then. Carry on."

Lyle chats with his friend for a bit and heads back to the dinner table.

"Kids, I have great news! Our family is having a reunion today, and we're going! It's being held at your grandparents' old place, 1216 Franklin Avenue. I bet they'd be so excited to see you two!

"That sounds awesome! I can't wait!" Alexa shouted

"That's actually pretty cool." Lyle admitted

"And about our jobs, I used my accrued vacation days for this, Mr. Oman said it was okay for me."

"Same with me, but I'm pretty sure the park's in capable hands. I'm actually going back to school to become a lawyer!"

"That's great, dad!"

"Pshaw." Lyle scoffed "What? Are you going to be the next _Phoenix Wrong_? You won't pass the bar, but if you really want to, I'd gladly hit you over the head with one."

"Lyle! I'd do well to remind you to be on your best behavior on this excursion…" I said, glaring at him "You won't try to do anything while we're there, right?"

"Sure, I won't…" Lyle said, intimidated by me

"I will hold you to that, Lyle. Anyway, let's go!"

* * *

The quartet travel back to 1216 Franklin Avenue. A large crowd has gathered for the reunion. I start to mingle with the other Louds. Naturally, I visit my side of the family first. I walk up to an important looking businesswoman, next to her is a dashing Hispanic man. Ah, it seems Lori and Bobby have been doing just fine.

"Hey, Lori. How have things been?"

She turns around to look at me.

"Lola, is that you? I almost didn't recognize you."

"Same here, so how have things been?"

"Great, I managed to become CEO of my own company, though it took 28 years to get there. Bobby here now fully runs his grandparents' bodega. For family life, we managed to have a kid together. Lawrence, come over here!"

"A suave looking 17-year-old walks on over."

"Yes mom?"

"This is your aunt Lola, say hello."

"Ah, hola tia. Me llamo es Lawrence. Yo soy el niño de Lori y Roberto." Lawrence said in flawless Spanish

"Ah, lo es bien, mi niño. Yo no tengo mantener hablando en Español, tú eres entre familia aquí. Puedes hablar en ingles." Bobby said to him "Sorry about that, he defaults to Spanish when he meets new people." He said to me.

"Ah, ok. Well, nice to meet you, Lola."

"Likewise."

"And who are those people behind you?"

"It would be your uncle Leif, and your cousins Alexa and Lyle."

"Ah, bien!"

"Well, I'm going to meet up with the rest of the sisters, nice to meet up again, Lori."

"Ok, see you."

* * *

Moving down the line, I speak with Leni next.

"Hey, Leni."

"Oh, Lola. Nice to see you again!" She chimed in

I turn to face Alexa and Lyle.

"Guys, I can say that Leni is the nicest one out of all of us."

I turn back to Leni.

"So how have you been?"

"Well, I've been doing some freelance work to get by. But don't worry about me, my clothing line has been real popular with the people who buy it."

"Amazing! Now, forgive me for prying into your life, but how's your family."

"Oh, well I don't have a family. It's very hard for me to tell if a guy is into me or not. But that's fine."

"Well, good luck with that. Here are my kids, Alexa and Lyle."

"Aw! They're so adorable!"

"Well, goodbye Leni."

* * *

I eventually managed to find Luna and spoke with her.

"So, how's the band?"

"Rocking! We just finished a tour. It's everything I dreamed it would be!"

"Radical! Now I wanted to introduce Alexa and Lyle to you."

"Nice." She speaks to the kids "Is Lola giving you a hard time, kids?"

"No."

"Well, you can tell me what's up."

"So, is Sam still the lead singer?"

"You know it, brah!"

After that rocking introduction, I meet up with Luan.

* * *

"Luan, how have you been?"

"Amazing! I keep booking a full house in nearly every comedy club I've performed in! It took 24 years, but it finally paid off. So anyway, shake for old time's sake?" She extends her palm outward

"No, thanks. I've seen that trick before." I said, noticing the obvious joy buzzer in her hand

"Ah well, you can't beat a classic, right?"

"Anyway, I want you to meet my kids, Alexa and Lyle."

"Oh wow, you have kids? It seems like everyone who wants them has them…except for me…"

"You want children, Luan?"

"Yes. I want to be able to raise my own little bundle of joy just like my other sisters, too."

"Well, good luck."

* * *

Lynn couldn't be there in person, but she managed to send a video chat to all of us at the reunion.

"Hey, I'm sorry I can't be at the reunion, but at least I'll be there in spirit. Well, I can tell you that I finally achieved my dreams. I'm playing in the World Series! I bet all of you will see me on TV tonight. Look for jersey number 43, that would be me. I'm pretty sure that my daughter, Lacy, is watching too. The game is starting, I have to go now…bye…"

The call ends.

* * *

Ok, It's time. I try and find my brother within the cloud of people. I manage to eventually talk to him.

"Lincoln!"

"Oh no, what did I do to make you mad this time, Lols?!"

"Nothing, Linky! I just want to ask how the past 18 years have been."

"Oh, well. They've been good. I'm working on a project for my new job. I can't say what it is yet, but I'm super excited to show everyone once it's complete!"

"Ok, what about your friends?"

"Well, the gang disbanded, but I'm still friends with Clyde and Ronnie Anne."

"Are you and Ronnie Anne a couple?"

"I wouldn't risk my already tumultuous relationship with our eldest sister, Lori, about that. I mean, she's already married to Bobby! It would be super awkward if Ronnie Anne and I got engaged, too!"

"Yeah, that would be hard to explain…"

"Anyway, I just wanted my kids to meet their uncle."

"So, some poor sap actually married you? I feel so bad for him!" Lincoln joshed "I'm kidding…kind of. You know, I'm surprised that you didn't scare everyone off. You know, you are pretty intimidating, Lola."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"It was. So where are my niece and nephew?"

"They're right here. Alexa, Lyle, say hello to your uncle Lincoln."

"Lincoln? The one who taught our mom how to read?" Alexa asked

"The same." He responded

"Thanks to you, she taught me how to read!"

"Really, is that so?" Lincoln sounded shocked

"Yes, and it's all thanks to you!"

Lincoln's heart felt warm after hearing that.

* * *

Ok, moving on…

I managed to evade Lucy and move on to Lana.

"Ah, I saw what you did, Lols. You skipped Lucy."

"Who's that?" Lyle asked

"Aw, are these your kids? They're so cute!"

"Yeah, I just…"

"Look I know you don't get along with Lucy, but her birthday is coming up. You should get her something. At least I'm trying to make an effort to be nice to her."

"Oh, you're just following Lincoln's example, he's the only one to be nice to her, and I can see why. Most people don't want a friend who dabbles in the macabre."

Lana scoffed at me.

* * *

"So, what have you been doing, sis?"

"Oh, I work in an office cubicle."

"Corporate drone." Lana commented "Well, I managed to get a doctorate in animal care, and even got a veterinarian's license!"

"Wow, that's amazing!"

Lisa overheard our conversation and butted in.

"You said WHAT?!" Lisa shouted in disbelief "You managed to get a DOCTORATE?! What alternate universe have I been transported to?"

"Yep, I even remember what you said."

"Oh no." Lisa said, as she knows that Lana will rub it in her face

"Perhaps if you valued your education, you could build something with more pizzazz." She said as she quoted Lisa "Well, who's laughing now? Is this a world that no longer makes sense to you?"

"No…congratulations Lana. I didn't think you'd actually pull it off. You have my respect." Lisa said, finally admitting defeat. It only took 26 years, but someone finally managed to end her insufferably smug demeanor!

"Anyway, before you so rudely interrupted. Lola, can you tell me anything that has happened to you in the past 18 years?"

"Ah, I wanted to introduce my kids to their aunt Lana. Alexa, Lyle, come over here and meet my twin sister!"

Both of them see Lana.

"Kids this is my twin sister, Lana."

"Oh, yeah. Isn't that the one who plays in the mud all day, does extremely gross stuff and is somehow still more beautiful than her twin?" Lyle noted. I nudge him in the shoulder while Lana laughs at this

"Yes, that's me."

"So, Lans. How've you been?"

"Oh great, I even managed to have a son."

Lana gestures him to come over.

"Landon, this is your aunt Lola."

"Hi, Lola."

"He's a bit shy but super smart." Lana leans over to Lisa "not as smart as YOU, but still…"

Lana leaves, while Lisa finishes her interjection.

"Before you ask, sassy sister unit. I'm fine, I am working on solving all of mankind's problems, as such, there is no time to waste from me trying to copulate, are these answers satisfactory to you?"

* * *

"Yeah, lets visit my youngest sister, Lily." I state

I manage to find her, she looks so different now…

"Hey, Lily."

"Lola? It's been too long." She stated

"I've been doing great, you?"

"Well, I have my own photography business that's starting to take off."

"That's nice. I want to introduce my children to you. Alexa, Lyle?"

They know the drill by now.

"Awesome! I haven't found a boyfriend yet, but I'm still looking."

Lily leaves. Leif takes over while I move toward my parents.

And now, kids, it's time for you to meet my side of the family.

"Mom, wait, come back! Don't leave me with this loser!" Lyle pleaded

"Shut it, Lys! What if one of Leif's brothers heard that?"

He promptly shuts up.

* * *

Leif goes in reverse order, so he introduces them to Leon first.

"Breaking News! Long lost siblings reunite after 18 years apart, more at 11." Leon said like an anchorman "But that's not news to you. How've you been, Leif?"

"Great, baby bro. I want my kids to meet their uncles and so, their meeting with you first."

"Hold the phone, folks! I think the search is over! Yep, this is the most adorable niece and nephew on Franklin Avenue!" Leon continued

"Does he always do this?" Lyle questioned

"You know, I'm not sure."

"Oh, I can stop if you want me to, but it's just too fun to do the newscaster voice." Leon continued "Well it looks like our special guest is signing off, thank you and good midday!"

* * *

Leif leaves and moves on to Levi.

"Hello, intelligence unit. How has time progressed for you in the last three decades?"

"Don't mock me, Leif. But they're fine. I've just found a way to help astronomers reach Proxima Centauri-b by the year 2060."

"But doesn't NASA have a program called Breakthrough Starshot for that?"

"It won't work, the probes are so fragile that a speck of dust could destroy them. And since the universe is filled with matter…"

"Ok, I just want you to meet Alexa and Lyle."

"Well, why didn't you just say so?"

He looks at them.

"Ok, they're kind of adorable. Now, if you'll excuse me…"

* * *

Levi leaves. Lexx is seen hanging around somewhere within the crowd, but Leif manages to talk to him.

"Dude! How've you been?"

"Oh, great."

"So, is your acting job making any progress?"

"Not too good, I can only get parts in Japanese commercials and shoddy B-movies."

"Aw, dude. Don't worry, I'm sure after enough crappy B-movies, you'll get your big break."

"Thanks, little bro."

"So why are you hiding?"

"Ah, my wife wants me to come along to her family reunion, but I'm too intimidated by her to be seen alongside her."

"Really, who is it?"

"Well, her name is Lana…"

"Wait, the one from when us twins were a quartet in school, Lana Loud? My wife's twin sister, that Lana Loud?"

"Yes."

"So, did you ask her?"

"Uh, she asked me."

"Well, I want you to meet my children, Alexa and Lyle."

"Awesome, they remind me of us when we were kids."

"Lexie, where are you?"

"Uh oh, that's her! If she comes over here, you never saw me." Lexx says as he flees

* * *

Leif walks over a few feet before Lars jumpscares him.

"AH! Don't do that bro!"

"Sorry, Leif."

"So, how's the demon hunting going? Have you reached Winchester status yet?"

"No."

"Winchester?" Alexa asked him

"Oh, see, Lars is into this show called " _Supernatural_ ", which has 2 brothers, _Sam_ and _Dean_ , hunting paranormal stuff (mostly demons), as a part of their father's legacy. Also, I think it's personal for them since a demon killed their mother, _Mary_ , because the brothers are the chosen ones, destined to save Earth from the forces of Heaven and Hell, or something like that, I don't really follow the show."

"Dude, spoilers!" Lars admonished

"Sorry. Anyway, here are my children, Alexa and Lyle."

"Meh, too light for my taste."

And just as mysteriously as he appeared, Lars fades away, his shadow retreating within the midday sun.

* * *

Leif managed to find Linka just hanging around.

"Hey, little bro. Is Lola protecting you?"

"Yeah, she is."

"Good, so how have you been?" Linka asked

"Fine, I just wanted my children to meet one of their aunts. Alexa, Lyle, this is Linka, my sister."

"Aw, cute kids."

"Well, you can tell me if anything goes wrong, ok."

"I will."

* * *

Leif moves on to talk with Lane.

"So, how's comedy?"

" _No laughing matter_ , Leif."

"I want to show you my kids, Alexa and Lyle."

"I guess you aren't _kidding_ around."

"Please, stop."

"Well, here they are."

"So adorable!"

Luke butts in to their conversation.

"Oh wow, are these my niece and nephew? Good job, little bro!"

"Ah, and Luke here is an audiologist, he messes with sounds."

"The only sound I hear is of idle chatter. Well, great to meet you. I can't wait to show you my infrasonic and ultrasonic cannons!"

* * *

Both Lane and Luke leave, Loni approaches them.

"Well, hello, my cute niece and nephew."

"Ah, kids this is your uncle Loni. He's nice."

"So, how've you've been, Leif?"

"Ah, I work as a park ranger, so that's good."

"Have there been any bears trying to steal pic-a-nic baskets?"

"No."

"Has there been an annoying groundskeeper who keeps shouting "my mom!" at everything he sees?"

"No."

"Does your boss have a meat addiction?"

"No."

"That's great."

"So, how's the construction business going?"

"Good, they pay for me to stay off-site. But I want to help them so much…"

"Aww, they just don't know how lucky they are to have you, Loni."

"Thanks, little bro."

* * *

Leif then goes to his eldest brother Loki. Who's fully decked out in military gear.

"Wow, you're like a living armory!" Leif commented

"Thanks, little bro." Loki stated, not breaking his laser-like focus "I've managed to do something in my life and joined the Green Berets, the most elite American paramilitary unit in existence, as well as the most elite squadron in the Special Forces. I'm not going to lie, the training there is super brutal, and I almost flunked out several times, but I made it."

"Does your unit have a pretentious Latin motto, like all the other branches of the military?"

"You shut your filthy mouth!" Loki yelled at him, he then talks normally "Sorry, little bro, but you just disrespected America, and we can't have that."

"What? But I didn't disrespect America… I just wanted to know if your unit had a motto."

"We do, but you probably don't know it."

""Let me guess, is it "De Oppresso Liber?""

Loki is stunned.

"Did you just look that up on the internet, bro?"

"No, it says it on your badge."

He looks and there is indeed a badge on his uniform that says the motto.

"Also, I took Latin in college." Leif pointed out "But that says, "To oppress the free", isn't that the opposite of what America's military is trying to do?"

"It's actually "to free the oppressed", Leif." Loki clarified

"Oh, then it should be "Ad Liber Quod Oppresso.""

"Why are we talking about Latin mottos?"

"Because you're in the military. Speaking of which, do you have any declassified information you'd like to share? Perhaps thrilling tales of your harrowing exploits."

* * *

"Well, I'm off duty, and these documents were just recently open to the public, but you know how the US and South Korea have a joint agreement to send an assassination squad to kill North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un before he launches nukes on us?"

"Yes."

"Well, we just finished. South Korea confirmed that their squad killed Kim Jong Un, right now, during the mass panic, South Koreans are attempting to deal with the dissenters and loyalists to the Kim regime. As well as killing or capturing anyone with the name "Kim", after that. Korea can begin true reunification."

"Wow, that sounds awesome."

"Yes, but first, the Koreans are locked in the "civil war" phase. Unlike last time, however, China won't interfere, because they said Kim brought this on himself by threating to nuke us one too many times. They even heard his declaration of war by dropping 10 hydrogen bombs onto America. He even said he wasn't kidding and wanted to purge the evil West from the face of the Earth.

"And the refugee crisis?"

"China has reluctantly agreed to let some of the North Koreans in, but they very clearly stated that they can't hold everyone."

"Oh, I see."

"It's all temporary, hopefully. Once the Koreas become whole again, the crisis will ease off of China, and peace will return to the region."

* * *

"Anyway, here are my kids, Alexa and Lyle."

"So, have you killed anyone yet?"

"It is an atrocity of war, and I'm not proud of it, but we only kill truly evil people." Loki acknowledged

"So, are you good with guns or knives?" Lyle asked

"Well, Lyle. I'm better with knives but can kill with both."

* * *

Eventually, the intercom blares, and the entire family lines up in front of the 2 Ritas and 2 Lynn Srs.

"Everybody, thank you all for coming here." Rita exclaimed "Now I want all of you to meet the grand-patriarch of the Loud House, my father, Albert."

Albert eventually managed to use his wheelchair to get on stage. He's hooked up to an oxygen machine. He may have been taking it to people all his life, but not even he can take it to old age. He looks withered and decrepit, but one could still see that he was a badass when he was in his prime.

All of the sisters and Lincoln appear in front of him.

"Ha-ha." Albert tried to say as boisterous as ever, but one can see his age catch up to him. "I'm glad my grandchildren were able to take some time out of their lives to see me."

He continues.

"And I can see that some of you had children of your own. Well, great-grandkids, let me tell you, I know I don't look like much now, but I was in the army once. And I've also done many amazing feats for a man of my age, as my grandson can attest to."

* * *

Lincoln spoke up.

"He's right. He's eaten an entire Chinese buffet, took out an entire platoon of Navy SEALS in a paintball war, single-handedly. And on a lighter note, he's way more limber than most, as he's danced, played laser tag, rode bumper cars, he can drink Flippee's™ extremely fast without getting brain freeze, mountain climb, he won a mechanical bull riding tournament, he streaked during a live baseball game (for some reason), played the sax in a heavy metal band, and finally, he skywrote "Pop-pop rules" before skydiving out of a plane that he was piloting, and that was all in one day!" Lincoln reminisced, and letting his grandfather gain the admiration of his great-grandchildren.

"Wow, great-grandad is so cool!"

"I wish I could be as awesome as him one day."

"How can someone be that awesome?"

"This man is a living legend."

"Ha-ha, but that was 30 years ago. Sadly, my age is catching up with me. If I have any advice for you, it's to always live in the moment. It's what I've always done."

"Say, I think I know where I got my determination and winning attitude from." I admitted

"Yeah, but you gloat about it, unlike Pop-pop. He's humble when he wins, and you're not." Lincoln countered

"Well, it was nice to see all of you. I say that this family reunion is a success." Lynn Sr announced

* * *

My family and I went back to our house, after enjoying a successful family reunion.

"Man, your grandfather is so cool." Alexa admitted to me

"Yes, he is. But I don't think that he can last much longer…" I admit "His health has declined a lot in the past 18 years."

…

…

…

"I worry about him. But enough about that, we still have to deal with Lyle."

* * *

 **Preview**

"Alexa, I'm putting you in charge of the house while I'm gone. You're going to keep watch on Lyle for me and see if he's up to anything bad. Tell me if anything happens, ok?"

"Yes, mom."

* * *

 **Author's Note: We see that Lola and Leif made breakfast together. Leif is the one who cooks most of their meals, and he's kind of decent at everything. Lola is exemplary when it comes to desserts, but she's only slightly above average on anything else. In some states, all sex crimes are bundled together into what's known as CSC, or criminal sexual conduct. It just so happens that Michigan is one of those states. When Leif is translating the Green Beret's motto, the phrase "Ut liber oppresso" also works, but "Ad liber quod oppresso" is the literal transliteration.**

 **If you're wondering where boy Lynn is, he's not here. He never attended the reunion. I bet he's having the time of his life, having the house all to himself. I'd say he has at least 2 hours to practice whatever sport his little heart desires without any annoying siblings interrupting him.**


	16. Paranoia Gambit

**"It's not about money. It's about…sending a message. Everything burns!"- The Joker, July 18, 2008**

 **Chapter Synopsis: While Lola's away, Lyle will play...**

* * *

"A week has passed since our family reunion. The time to diagnose Lyle is almost here, but it seems fate had something else in store for me…"

Scene transition to Lola's bedroom, she's just sitting on her bed idly until her cellphone rings. She picks it up and receives a call that will change the Loud family's lives forever.

"Hello?"

"Sunshine?"

"Wait, Linky, is that you?"

"Yeah, I have terrible news to share with you."

"What is it?"

"Pop-pop has popped."

"Excuse me?"

"I was trying to put a humorous spin on it to soften the blow, just like Luan would have done, but I guess there's no way around this. Our grandfather, Albert, has died."

I drop the phone in shock.

"Lola? You still there?"

"Yes…"

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but he wanted us to be at his funeral."

"No, I understand. I'll be right over."

The phone disconnects.

* * *

I leave my room. My family notices my gloomy demeanor.

"Mom, what's wrong?" Alexa asked

"I have terrible news to share with you. My grandfather has died."

The rest of the family gasps in shock!

"Exactly. So, I'm going to be gone for a day to go to his funeral."

I lean over to Alexa and whisper this.

"Alexa, I'm putting you in charge of the house while I'm gone. You're going to keep watch on Lyle for me and see if he's up to anything bad. Tell me if anything happens, ok?"

"Yes, mom."

"Well, goodbye…" I say dejectedly as I leave the house

"Well, I'm going to my room." Lyle said

"Likewise."

Both Lyle and Leif enter their respective rooms.

* * *

Meanwhile, Lola arrives at the cemetery where the service is being held. She's wearing a black dress, instead of her usual pink for the dreary occasion. She sits alongside her family as the funeral director begins the service.

"We are gathered here today to remember Albert…"

* * *

Screen cut to Leif's room. It seems he's sleeping, and we get to peek inside his dreams. Upon entering, we see a room comprised of intestines, as he walks all the way to the back, where a kid in a spider-mech and a white pearl-like object reside.

"Leif! Are you surprised? It's me, Lyle. I assist only the strong and able! That's Lyle. You look pathetic! The Apple Of Enlightenment has already made a prediction… but I won't let what the Apple Of Enlightenment predicted take place. You will be beaten by Lola. Lola will be stronger, a more powerful entity than any other! Why? 'Cause of me. I was led by Lola, and now I'm here. The Apple Of Enlightenment couldn't predict this. Mistress Lola. No, Lola is no longer the wielder of Good. She has become the embodiment of Good itself… which she cannot control on her own. She is the Good power."

The battle begins. Leif has barely managed to defeat the Heavily Armed Lyle.

"I understand you are already claiming to be a hero. Well it's a gazillion years too early for anyone to oppose Lola! You must feel pretty stupid to keep fighting without even knowing what Lola looks like! If you were to ever see Lola, you'd be so petrified with fear, you'd never be able to run away! That's how scary it is! So, do you want me to turn off the "Angel's Machine"? Well prepare to be amazed!"

Lyle turns off the Angel's Machine, revealing a distorted white mass trying to take form.

"So, isn't this terrifying? I'm terrified, too. Lola can't think rationally anymore, and she isn't even aware of what she's doing now. Her own mind was destroyed by her incredible power. What an all-mighty idiot! That's what you are! And you… you will be… just another meal to her!"

The battle continues. Lyle leaves the battle.

Leif tried to call for help!

…

But nobody came.

Lola's defenses became more stable!

Leif cannot grasp the true form of Lola's attack!

Leif takes 255 damage!

Leif attacks!

...Just missed…

Leif cannot grasp the true form of Lola's attack!

Leif takes 256 damage, and bursts into tears!

"I-t h-u-r-t-s…. i-t h-u-r-t-s!"

Leif tried PSI Shield β!

Leif can grasp the true form of Lola's attack!

Lola used PSI Rockin' ω!

The attack got reflected back!

The attack got reflected back!

Leif got hurt and collapsed!

"L-e-i-f… I'm h-a-p-p-y…."

Leif awakes from his nightmare.

"Whoa, that was terrifying…" Leif acknowledged

* * *

Screen transitions over to Lyle, who's watching TV, when suddenly the signal changes to 2 Arabic men somewhere talking. It appears that they are somewhere in the UAE. Luckily, they were kind enough (or stupid enough) to provide English subtitles.

This is what they said:

Hadhih fatwaa min Allah nfsh! 'arsalat alkhanazir al'amrikiat alkhabithat 'iikhwanina almuslimin 'iilaa aldhabhi, walakun alan, wanahn ahya'! Daeish aistislah khilafatan jadidatan dakhil alshrq alawst. Alan, bma 'ana 'iikhwanina almuslimin qad nasuu alqurana, daeunaan nadhkiruhum ...

Waeindama marat al'ashhur almuqdasatu, thuma qutil almushrikin 'aynama wajadata lahum waqamuu bialqabd ealayhim wahisaruhum waljulus fi antizarihim fi kli makan min kaminin. Walakun 'iidha kan yanbaghi ealayhim altuwbatu, 'iiqamat alsalati, wa'iieta' alzakati, walsamah lahum aldhihaba fi tariqihim. Fi alwaqiea, Allah hu ghafur rahimun. Alquran alkarim tse-khms

Bina' qubalat dhalik. 'Afrad al'usrat aladhin hum murtadun lilah yakun sharaf qtl!

Daeuna ndhkrkm, 'iikhwanina wa'akhawatuna fi al'aslah. al'islam lays din salamin, bal hu din alhrb! Marasiam Allah wadha! sayuf Allah yaqtae kl eadui al'iislam. Almjd lilh!

At this point the UAE police find them and arrest them on terrorism charges. Which is hilariously broadcasted worldwide.

Alexa notices this and asks Lyle what's happening.

"Oh, it's 2 chuckleheads trying to give Americans a history lesson in Islam…I think."

"Hmm…"

* * *

Leif heard some of the broadcast that those Arabic men were saying and makes a call.

"Yes? DHS, state your name and business."

"This is Leif Loud at 1432 Lacrimal Lane in Royal Woods, Michigan. I overheard my son, Lyle, hear a strange broadcast on TV. It sounded like 2 Arabic men trying to recruit more jihadists. I think my son was radicalized by watching the terrorists' broadcasts."

"Is this the UAE broadcast?"

"Yes."

"Ah, we've been trying to catch those 2 nuisances. They're not dangerous. They're just wannabe terrorists trying to join ISIS. But we razed the group so that only tiny splinter factions are left. Still, we're going to send someone to check it out."

The police arrive and begin to interrogate Lyle. They eventually give Leif the good news.

"Well, it seems like Lyle doesn't have any sympathy with any terror group, so he hasn't been radicalized."

"Whew, that's a relief." Leif sighed.

The police leave.

"I can't believe that bastard called Homeland Security on me! How can he lump me in with those subhuman savages! As if I could be a terrorist!" Lyle said in a huff

"But he just wanted to make sure you're safe, and to make sure you won't hurt others."

"I hate you, Leif Loud! I hope you burn in Hell!"

"Oh dear…"

* * *

Lola eventually makes it back home.

"So, Alexa. Tell me everything."

"2 wannabe terrorists tried to recruit people into ISIS, and Leif thought Lyle had been radicalized by them, so he called DHS to check it out."

"Oh my god…"

"Lyle hates Leif for that, I even think I saw him look up honor killings on the internet, but I'm not sure if that was a hallucination or not."

"Honor killings?! That's it, we need to diagnose him, NOW." I urged

* * *

 **Preview**

"Well, you look physically fit, now for your mental checkup. Due to this, I will ask a few questions."

"I plead the 5th!"

"I'm not a cop, and all of this will be covered under doctor-patient confidentiality."

"Ok. Ask me anything, doc."

* * *

 **Author's Note: Calling those two wannabes terrorists is an insult to actual terrorists. If they were actually inducted into the jihadist groups, their first order would be to suicide bomb a building, but these guys are so pathetic that they'll mess it up somehow. Anyway, the gist of what they're saying is a call to arms for their Muslim brothers and sisters to form a neo-caliphate, as the one ISIS made had already been destroyed. Next is a generic hate speech saying "Allah akbar" and "death to America" while reciting the sword verses from the Quran as justification. Lastly, they say that Islam is a religion of war and that Allah's sword will kill all the infidels. You know, typical jihadist Islam speeches. They got arrested by the UAE's police force, so now, us westerners laugh at these two. Some people have even made memes of their arrest.**

 **The point is, because of these idiots, Leif and Lyle's terrible relationship has gotten worse, and I don't think it can get much lower...**


	17. Egritudandum Quod Diabolum

**"Oh, but please! Judge away! Looking down from your high horse, making everyone feel like–" Gumball Watterson, January 28, 2016**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Lyle gets diagnosed by a doctor**

* * *

"Well, the day has finally come. Now, we will finally find out why Lyle is acting the way he is."

Scene transition to the living room, the entire family is there.

"So, why'd you call us down here, mom? I was kind of planning world domination before you interrupted me." Lyle said sarcastically

"Lyle, I think it would be best for you to get checked out by a doctor." I urged

"Why? There's nothing wrong with me."

"Look, can you just do this for me…"

"Fine, if it will make you happy, mom. But I'm just warning you ahead of time. There is nothing wrong with me. I'm being totally sincere."

* * *

Lyle goes up to his room to prepare for the doctor's visit. I turn on the TV. It's currently on the news channel. It seems some familiar faces are making an appearance.

"Say, isn't that your brother?"

"Yes, it is."

In the newsroom…

"Breaking news! Royal Woods Police have arrested a loony fan at Lindsey Sweetwater's house. Sweetwater has already filed a restraining order against the man, but it did little to deter him. They also swatted his house and found a stalker shrine dedicated to her. Now to our correspondent on the scene."

"Yes, I'm Leon Loud, and I've just finished interviewing the victim."

"Ok, so that creep called me and said he was a fan of me. He claimed that he was there 22 years ago. At the model recruitment pageant. As I'm sure everyone knows because it was broadcasted nationwide, I was Michigan's contestant for the national ANPMC contest. I just barely managed to eke out the win. Then that creep started to stalk me and said really creepy sexual things that TV wouldn't air, so I got a restraining order against him."

"But, as we know, that didn't do anything. And police even have body-cam footage of the nut-job masturbating in the bushes outside her home. Luckily, we have journalistic standards, so we won't show the sexually graphic footage, but we can say that he said it was to prepare for the real thing."

"So, the police have filed stalking, disorderly conduct, and attempted rape charges against him. He's now being held in the Royal Woods Jail, pending sentencing, but we have new information that Lindsey Sweetwater is suing him for severe emotional distress, is that right?"

"Yes, that's right."

"Well, you heard it here first. We'll let you know if there are updates to this story. Now back to you."

I turned the TV off, and head to my trophy room. It's filled with trophies, scepters, crowns and sashes. Lyle comes down and sees the closet room opened.

* * *

"Hey, what's this stuff, mom?"

"Mementos of my former life."

"Former?! Why would you want to ever leave such an amazing lifestyle?"

"It all started 22 years ago with the ANPMC recruitment pageant. I had to face my rival one last time. And, no matter what the outcome, I would have given up my pageant career, either way. I'll just tell you, I got 2nd place, being only 1 point behind 1st. So, my rival actually managed to beat me…"

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that…"

"Yeah, well apparently, she didn't know having a modeling career would bring some…hidden dangers." As I think back to the news broadcast of what happened to her, and knowing that if I won that recruitment and national competition, that creepy fan would stalk ME!

"Actually, I feel kind of bad for her."

"Really?"

"Yeah." I said as I close the trophy closet "But now, it's time for your appointment with the doctor."

* * *

I drive my family to the doctor's office. We sat down in the waiting room until the doctor arrived.

"Lyle?"

We get up and head to one of the diagnostic rooms. Though he told us to wait outside before escorting Lyle inside.

"I'm Dr. Jordan Koch, and I'm here to perform some routine checkups to make sure you're ok."

He takes down some measurements.

"Well, you look physically fit, now for your mental checkup. Due to this, I will ask a few questions."

"I plead the 5th!"

"I'm not a cop, and all of this will be covered under doctor-patient confidentiality."

"Ok. Ask me anything, doc."

"Earlier, you pleaded the fifth. So, have you ever been arrested?"

"Yes."

"What for?"

"They said it was for prank calling 911, but doc, I swear! I was telling the truth to the cops."

"What did you tell the cops?"

"That my dad raped my mom."

"And did he?"

"Well, I'm alive, aren't I? How could I even be born if that crime didn't happen? What's worse is that he did it twice."

"Ok, now do you love your mom?"

"That's a stupid question, of course I do!" Lyle said as he turned bellicose

"Let me recount the tale of _Oedipus_ , who killed his father and married his mother. My question is, do you have an Oedipus complex?"

"No, I would rather gouge my eyes out than do that!" Lyle said, while reviling in disgust.

"Ok, and what about your sister?"

"Yes, I love her. In a familial way, of course."

"Ok, and your father?"

"Well, he committed a despicable crime against our mother, so I hope he burns in the 9th circle of Hell. Why? Because he betrayed our mother with this crime!"

"Now, is there a chance that you could be wrong?"

"I doubt it. Me and my sister are living evidence of his act. I don't understand why our mom continues to defend such a horrible person. I think she's moonstruck, and thus cannot think rationally."

"And how would you describe your relationship with your mother?"

"Like a knight defending his queen."

"I see. Have you ever wanted to enact vengeance on your father committing the crime?"

"I still do."

Dr. Koch listens intently.

"You know, I had my chance to kill him. But...our great-grandfather died, and I didn't want my mother to suffer even more grief. I don't think that she can handle the deaths of 2 people that she was close to. So, I wrote a temporary cease-fire, until she was done grieving the loss of her grandfather. Of course, I won't tell him that because I want him to suffer."

"Ok. I think I have all the data I need. You're free to go, but I need to talk to your parents."

* * *

Lyle leaves as Lola and Leif enter the room, Dr. Koch locks the door behind them.

"Ok, so physically. He's fine. But mentally…"

"Yes?" I asked

"Well according to my notes, Lyle is a narcissistic sociopath. He thinks he's infallible in his reasoning, and it seems that the only emotions he feels is toward you two. Since these are personality disorders, there isn't really a cure for them. Sorry, I can't really help you much."

"Oh, can I call you later?" I ask

"Sure?" He writes down a number, which I take

* * *

I drive us home, where we began setting up dinner. Lyle of course, refuses to touch anything Leif made, but he did eat the cake I made.

"Ah, you've outdone yourself, Lola."

"Yeah, this cake is so delicious!"

"Mm, it tastes feculent."

They all look at Lyle.

"Uh, I believe the word you're looking for is "decadent"?" Alexa tries to correct him

"No, that means mom's cake would be sinful, and we both know that's untrue."

"You're right, it is sinful. Sinfully good!" Leif chimed in

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, brother. But you just said mom's cake tastes like shit. That's what feculent means."

Lyle realizes he did say the wrong word and starts groveling in front of me.

"Please, punish me! I said the wrong word! I marred your cooking abilities! Come on, hurt me! It's my penance!" He begged to me

"I won't hurt you, you're my son! Just please choose your words more carefully next time." I implored

"I thank you for your mercy, mother."

"Ok…that happened." Alexa noted

I turn to Leif.

* * *

"Leif, do you think I'm a bit…commanding?"

Leif begins to answer, but Lyle interjects.

"Mom, don't listen to this loser. You're perfect just the way you are."

"Thanks for your input, Lyle. But you're biased."

"Am not!"

"Are too!" Alexa countered "You idolize our mother, so of course you think she's perfect!"

"Leif, is it true? Am I…prideful? Do I have hubris?"

"Well, you are a bit…full of yourself." He admitted

"Oh, I see."

I leave.

"You hurt our mom's feelings!" I should kill you right now!" Lyle shouted at him, while Alexa tries to calm him down

I call a number.

"Yes, Dr. Koch? Can you diagnose me? Oh, you have a spot open right now. Ok, I'll be right over."

* * *

I drive back to the clinic and meet up with Dr. Koch.

"Doctor, I think I have NPD."

Dr. Koch looks a bit stunned.

"Well, you might be a little self-centered, Mrs. Loud, but do you really believe that you have narcissistic personality disorder?"

"Maybe, though I can tell you it was more prevalent when I was 6-years-old."

"Well, I can diagnose you, but I'm not a psychotherapist, so I can't treat you."

"That's fine, I just want to know if I have it."

"Alright, well let's begin. First question, did you feel that you should be the center of attention?"

"Well, I did want people to pay attention to me…"

"Ok, did you usually feel like you deserve things, and get upset when things don't go your way?"

"Well, when I was younger, I was a bit spoiled."

"Did you feel like everyone should bow down to your presence?"

"Yes."

"Did you blow your accomplishments out of proportion in order to make yourself look better?"

"No, but I was proud of myself when I did achieve something."

"That's only natural. Next, did you have delusions of grandiosity. Now what I mean by that is did you ever dream of success, power, intelligence, beauty or the perfect guy?"

"I was a pageant queen back then, so naturally, I had to keep up my image. I did want to be a queen or an empress, whichever had the shiniest crown, back then, maybe even world domination was an option. But as for the perfect guy…well, he got away, but we're still friends to this day."

"I see. Now did you hang out with people of the same perceived socioeconomic status as you?"

"No…"

"Ok. Now did you mock people who aren't up to your level?"

I feel a wave of guilt wash over me.

"Yes, I always treated my twin sister and brother horribly. I feel so terrible."

"Did you expect people to do whatever you said?"

"If they didn't, I would blackmail them."

"Did you manipulate others for your own ends?"

"Yes…"

"Did you care about anyone else but yourself?"

"It did take a while, but I eventually formed a temporary truce with my brother."

"Did you think you made anyone green with envy?"

"My twin sister, Lana. She should act like me, but she prefers getting dirty than being prim and proper like me."

"Were you condescending, pretentious and maybe conceited back then?"

"Yeah, I felt like I was in control."

Dr. Koch writes down my responses.

"One last question. Do you want to change?"

…

…

…

I answer with only one word.

…

…

…

"Yes."

"Ok." He says as he writes down a number "This number is for an associate of mine. If you have any personal problems, I think she'll be able to help you."

"Thanks for everything, Dr. Koch."

"You're welcome, Mrs. Loud."

I drive back home and head into my room, glancing at the number he gave me.

("Don't worry, guys. I promise to be a better person.")

…

…

…

("For you.")

* * *

 **Preview**

I head into room 426 and see a woman with ash brown hair and wearing what looks like a lab coat coated in electric purple with a shocking pink insignia of the human brain on it. This associate is going to be very interesting, though I feel like I know her for some reason…odd.

"Oh, so you must be the patient that Jordan was talking about. Well I don't really have a name, just a whole bunch of aliases. But for now, you can call me Carpe."

"You look like someone I know…" I pointed out


	18. Quaestiendum Egomet

**"Who has a never-ending thirst for fun and games? Me, the one and only Quizmaster, that's who!" -Quizmaster, July 28, 2017**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Lola goes to see Dr. Koch's associate, who's a bit eccentric, to say the least**

* * *

"As I prepared to go see Dr. Koch's associate, Leif stopped me."

Scene transition to Lola about to leave the house. Leif is right behind her.

"Hey, Lola can I tell you something?"

"Sure, what is it."

"I think I need a gun, you know, for protection."

"Why do you say that?"

"Ok, I'm terrified of Lyle. I feel like he could assassinate me in my sleep anytime he wanted to. I can't even sleep with both eyes closed anymore."

"Don't worry about Lyle. I'll keep him away from you."

"But what about when you're not at home? Alexa can't deter him forever…he will make his move eventually! Please, Lola! I'm so scared!"

"Ok, I'll think about it."

"Really, thanks."

* * *

I leave to go to find this associate of his. I look at the address and see what kind of looks like a hospital. I enter and approach the front desk. I tell the receptionist that I'm here to see Dr. Koch's associate (He never wrote the name, just the address and the phone number. I guess he forgot it).

"Ok, she's in room 426."

I head into room 426 and see a woman with ash brown hair and wearing what looks like a lab coat coated in electric purple with a shocking pink insignia of the human brain on it. This associate is going to be very interesting, though I feel like I know her for some reason…odd.

"Oh, so you must be the patient that Jordan was talking about. Well I don't really have a name, just a whole bunch of aliases. But for now, you can call me Carpe."

"You look like someone I know…" I pointed out

"Oh, I get that a lot. Who do I look like now?"

"Our former neighbor, Diem Doan. The only difference is she has black hair and you have brown hair. Is brown your natural hair color?"

"Yes, aren't you quite the cosmetologist!"

"I guess that would make you a Doan-pleganger." "(Even Luan could make something better than that, Lols! Step up your bad pun-making skills!)"

"Oh, that's good. You wouldn't mind if I steal that from you, would you?"

"Go ahead."

"Now, what did you want to do?"

"Help lessen the symptoms of my narcissistic personality disorder."

"Oh. Well, people with NPD usually are displaying a masquerade to hide their own insecurities. But not to worry, I think I have a machine that can help you combat them. I call it the BOI Machine." She said as she takes off the cloth covering it

"Boy Machine?" I asked inquisitively

"Yes, and I already know what you're thinking. It doesn't help females attract males. Because the acronym is B-O-I, not B-O-Y. It stands for Binding Of Isaac Machine. What this does is it transfers your insecurities into a boss. The machine will scan you and place your avatar into the simulator, where you'll fight said insecurity-laced boss. Defeat it to move on to the next one, or if it is the last one, you win, and I'll turn off the machine. Best of all, this machine is powered with brainpower alone! I just need to hook up my computer to monitor your progress in the simulation."

"Wait isn't that a video game?"

"Yes, but I already got permission from someone named _Florian_ , who claimed he was the original programmer for the game."

"Oh, ok."

"That reminds me, this machine has the ABP upgrade. It has everything from the DLC included."

…

…

…

"So, would you like to test it out?"

"Sure."

"Just as a precautionary measure, can you sign this waiver?"

"Oh, sure."

I sign the waiver.

She hooks me up into the BOI Machine.

"Now, I'm sorry to do this because it takes so long, but it's necessary for the simulation. Can you answer a questionnaire?"

"Sure."

"Right, thanks again. I'm trying to streamline it for future use."

* * *

The questionnaire begins.

1\. Is it okay to cry?

Yes

2\. Do you like onions?

Yes

3\. Would you eat a spoiled onion?

No

4\. Are you clairvoyant?

No

5\. How attached are you to your pets?

Very

6\. Would you use a broken mirror?

No

7\. Do you find toilet humor humorous?

Ew, no!

8\. Are you a friend to flies?

No

9\. Do you seek penance for your sins?

Yes

10\. Do you prefer solitude or solidarity?

Solitude

11\. Do you like flies?

No

12\. Do you feel like you deserve a second chance?

Yes

13\. Would you eat a psychedelic mushroom?

No

14\. Would you take a syringe if it helped you?

No

15\. Do you have a heart?

Yes

16\. Do you like liver?

No

17\. Do you lose keys a lot?

No

18\. Would you like a free dollar?

Heck yeah!

19\. Fancy a bag of bombs?

No

20\. Have you ever considered self-harm?

No

21\. Want to know anything special?

Yes

22\. Would you eat expired food?

No

23\. Would you eat dog food?

No

24\. Do you need a wooden spoon?

No

25\. Do you use a belt?

No

26\. Did you use hand-me-downs from your mother?

Not me, but my eldest sister, Lori did.

27\. Have a lucky foot?

Yes

28\. Are you a heartbreaker?

No

29\. You a fan of Edmund's?

No

30\. Are you good, bad, or neutral?

Neutral

31\. What star do you see? (shows picture of a pentagram)

A "good job" star.

32\. Do you have fun with magnets?

Yes

33\. Do you like knowing where to go?

Yes

34\. Do you have eyes in the back of your head?

No

35\. Can you build a bridge?

No

36\. Do you leech life?

No

37\. Are you energetic?

Yes

38\. Do you like savings?

Heck yes!

39\. Like special coupons?

Yes

40\. Like buy one, get one free?

Yes

41\. Do you like technology?

Yes

42\. Do you like old, middle or new tech?

New

43\. Do you like chocolate milk?

No

44\. Do you pray?

No

45\. Want a quarter?

Yes

Well too bad, you have max coins, you can't carry anymore!

46\. Have a PHD?

No

47\. Want X-ray vision?

No

48\. Do you like the number "666"?

No

49\. Would you sign a blood pact?

No

50\. Want 9 lives?

No

51\. Are inverted crosses Satanic to you?

Yes

52\. Are you a trickster?

No

53\. Do you like spiders?

Yes

54\. Would you like spider mutations?

No

55\. Has someone thrown a rock at your head?

No

56\. Do you consider yourself adventurous?

No

57\. Blue crosses heal you?

No

58\. Are you an angel?

Yes

59\. Are you sick?

No

60\. Do you have a parasite?

No

61\. Do you have an explosive radius?

Yes

62\. Would you eat this cookie? (shows picture of a wafer)

Yes

63\. Do you believe money equals power?

Yes

64\. Knives or guns?

Neither

65\. Do you believe in ghosts?

No

66\. Do you prefer a faster recharge?

Yes

67\. Want to charge ahead?

No

68\. Ready to embrace your inner Dracula?

No

69\. Want to get cursed?

No

70\. RC bombs?

No

71\. Mmm, fattening? (imagine saying this in Homer Simpson's voice)

No

72\. Want a bag of bombs?

No

73\. Did Santa ever give you coal?

Not yet, trying to keep the streak alive.

74\. Are you a cat person?

No

75\. Do you feel your sins crawling on your back?

Yes

76\. Poisoned bombs?

No

77\. Do you like pageants?

Yes

78\. Want to be scalped?

No

79\. Do you have an explosive temper?

Yes

80\. Did you ever lose a fight?

Yes, tons!

81\. Ever been burned by acid?

No

82\. Would you trade HP for items?

No

83\. Revenge?

No

84\. RU2SPOOKY5ME?

No

85\. Do you believe in resurrection?

No

86\. Will a shield protect you?

Yes

87\. Would you be willing to get hurt for said shield?

Yes

88\. Crack the whip?

No

89\. Giant tears?

No

90\. Does your fate protect you?

No

91\. A real heart or a pure heart?

Pure

92\. Regrow from a single cell?

No

93\. Do you believe in fate?

Yes

94\. Is your heart pure?

No

95\. Try to keep your eyes open?

No

96\. Do you think the Holy Grail will ever be found?

No

97\. Are doves meaningful to you?

No

98\. Does the mirror show your true self?

No

99\. Kaboom?

No

100\. Does random equal success?

No

101\. Meat?

No

102\. Do you believe in those magic 8-balls?

No

103\. Ever use a squeezy?

Yes

104\. Like grape juice?

No

105\. Want one of everything?

No

106\. Does your head hurt?

No

107\. Do you have the golden touch?

No

108\. Do you have a pack of supplies?

No

109\. Off with your head?

No

110\. Harder mode?

No

111\. Want to play the waiting game?

No

112\. Do you wear contacts?

No

113\. Do you have toxic blood?

No

114\. Have an offering?

No

115\. Are you in a cult?

No

116\. Would you like to keep on fighting?

No

117\. Still wearing a bandage?

No

118\. Water bombs?

Yes

119\. Are you all over the walls?

No

120\. Stationary projectiles?

No

121\. Are you an arsonist?

No

122\. Have you ever acted out a "50 Shades of Grey" BSDM fetish before?

Heck, no!

123\. Have something rare?

Yes

124\. Still have a piggy bank?

No

125\. Have a coughing fit?

No

126\. Do you have dark powers?

No

127\. Sticky fingers?

No

128\. Slow down?

No

129\. Look to the stars a lot?

No

130\. Does everything die around you?

No

131\. Did you read the fine print?

Yes

132\. Are you infamous?

No

133\. Protection with effort?

No

134\. Do you wear glasses?

No

135\. Like secrets?

Yes

136\. Like options?

Yes

137\. BOGO bombs?

No

138\. Read your future?

No

139\. Take pills?

No

140\. Have a lucky shedding?

No

141\. Have you been hurt recently?

No

142\. Do you have a screw loose?

No

143\. Bombs ablaze?

No

144\. Hotheaded?

No

145\. ARE YOU ERROR?

No

146\. Do you strike fear into your enemies?

Yes

147\. Curse protection?

No

148\. Close combat?

No

149\. Embracing your evil side?

No

150\. Are you the Zodiac Killer?

No

151\. Do you wear mascara?

No

152\. Are you yourself?

Yes

153\. Do you wear bows?

No

154\. Did you skip leg day?

Yes

155\. Attractive to everything?

No

156\. See your destiny?

Yes

157\. Mutagen?

No

158\. Do you spin me right round, baby?

No

159\. Do you still believe in your family?

Yes

160\. Mind-bending tears?

No

161\. Activate God-mode?

No

162\. Back from the brink?

No

163\. Do you know all?

No

164\. Do you feel all?

No

165\. Are you all?

Yes

166\. Uh, shouldn't you get that repaired? (shows a watch)

Yes

167\. Can you pinpoint evil?

No

168\. Are you hyper?

No

169\. Do you feel split in half?

Yes

170\. Lucky key?

No

171\. Tinder of dark thoughts?

No

172\. Are you toxic?

No

173\. Are you a minelayer?

No

174\. Want to go to the ball game?

No

175\. 2 uses for 1 item?

Yes

176\. Are you smart?

Yes

177\. Fan of heavy metal?

No

178\. Bombception?

No

179\. One direction fan?

No

180\. Shots that pierce everything?

No

181\. Do you play with dolls?

No

182\. Are you a sniper?

No

183\. Salt the Earth?

No

184\. Are you Bomb-proof?

No

185\. Are you a shopaholic?

No

186\. Are you a wide-eyed idealist?

No

187\. Are you a fan of microtransactions?

No

188\. Do you think fortune will smile upon you?

Yes

189\. Are you the envy of everyone?

No

190\. Do you have the kiss of death?

No

191\. Targeted shots?

No

192\. Laser of tears?

No

193\. Emergency rations?

No

194\. Do you believe in destiny?

No

195\. Gooey bombs?

No

196\. Want random items?

No

197\. Do you feel an aura?

No

198\. Do you have a black ring of protection?

No

199\. Are you dead inside?

No

200\. Split-off tears?

No

201\. Do you bathe in the blood of your enemies?

Ew, no, gross!

202\. Mutually exclusive items?

No

203\. No hit-run?

Yes

204\. Do you have pockets?

No

205\. Like fruitcake?

No

206\. Prefer to call help in dark places?

No

207\. Need protection?

No

208\. Ever wore a bag on your head?

No

209\. Are you aware of your surroundings?

Yes

210\. Do you wear pajamas?

No

211\. Throw money at your problems?

No

212\. Surprise bombs?

Yes

213\. Does your shadow protect you?

No

214\. Ever use a binky?

No

215\. Calcified pain?

No

216\. Will you embrace the dark arts?

No

217\. Do you believe in the razor blade candy myth?

No

218\. Ever been stabbed by a pencil?

No

219\. Attack with canines?

No

220\. Ever got a cavity?

Surprisingly, no.

221\. Did you ever get sliced by glass shards?

No

222\. Chance to reflect shots?

No

223\. Glare of greed?

No

224\. Are you a seer?

No

225\. Ever had varicose veins?

No

226\. Bone barrage?

No

227\. Twice the trinkets?

No

228\. Did your father have a lucky coin?

No

229\. Are you an airhead?

No

230\. Ever lose something down there?

No

231\. Do you have a viral common cold?

No

232\. Do you have glaucoma?

No

233\. Vengeful tears?

No

234\. Are you acidic?

No

235\. Is balance important?

No

236\. 360-degree shots?

Yes

237\. Death everywhere?

No

238\. Electrified shots?

Yes

239\. Have you ever eaten super spicy food?

No

240\. Prefer camouflage?

No

241\. Do you believe in Yin and Yang?

Yes

242\. All-encompassing purity?

Yes

243\. Sackception?

No

244\. Wealth of health?

No

245\. Ever had a zit?

No

246\. 1 hit-1 kill shots?

No

247\. Care for Pokémon Go™?

No

248\. Will you stab people in the back?

No

249\. Are you a party animal?

No

250\. Glitched systems?

No

251\. Mad bomber?

No

252\. Hemoelectric charge?

No

253\. Decaying death?

No

254\. Prismatic circle?

Yes

255\. Eyeballs to the wall?

No

256\. Care to fulfill the original assassin's hit list?

No

257\. Targeted blood bursts?

No

258\. Cannibalistic tears?

No

259\. Righteous ammo?

No

260\. Extra items?

No

261\. Are you a bookworm?

No

262\. Feel safe?

No

263\. Sick yet?

No

264\. Marble madness?

No

265\. What's inside?

No

266\. Skipped water?

No

267\. Bone blood?

No

268\. Bony protection?

No

269\. Holy shit?

No

270\. Bone stabby?

No

271\. Dad's love?

…No?

272\. All your fault?

No

273\. Mandibular boomerang?

No

274\. Osteoporosis?

No

275\. Where's the body?

No

276\. Reloadable bomb?

No

277\. Throwable bomb?

No

278\. Teleport?

Yes

279\. Ever eat a penny?

No

280\. Coprolite?

No

281\. Leaked electricity?

Yes

The questionnaire **FINALLY** ends.

"Ok, all data inputted. Good luck, Mrs. Loud."

She hooks me up to the BOI machine and turns it on...

* * *

 **Preview**

"This is the story of a woman named Lola."

* * *

 **Author's Note: The questionnaire that Lola answers could have been WAY MUCH LONGER. With a total of 626 questions, it's quite a miracle that it only managed to hit 267, and that's even with some streamlining based on Lola's answers. The questions correspond to a certain item, and depending on how the user answers, it may or may not give that item in the simulation. Note that pills, runes and cards are excluded. Pills are too random (health down, I found pills, full health), runes could potentially make it unfair (algiz) and some of the tarot cards are overpowered (hierophant). For example, question 161 asks to activate God mode. If Lola had said yes to that question, she would have gotten the Godhead item. But she didn't want to be too overpowered, and thank goodness, otherwise the story would have been very boring if Lola could win that easily. Besides, these are her insecurities! It's not supposed to be easy for her.**


	19. Inluvie Extenditur

**" I am a shadow, the true self!" -All Shadows, July 10, 2008**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Lola faces off against her insecurities, Binding Of Isaac style**

* * *

A familiar voice is heard.

"This is the story of a woman named Lola. You see, Lola here was a bit of an impudent young tyke in her youth. But in the 30 years that have passed, she had become a mother, and was raising 2 kids. She wanted to be a better person for them, and so, she went to a strange hospital-like building, where she met an enigmatic young woman, who is only known as the Doan-pleganger. She hooked up our heroine to what she called the BOI Machine, to help her deal with her personal problems, for you see, Lola here has NPD, and people who have this disorder usually have some insecurities. And now, we resume our story with The Binding of Lola."

Lola wakes up in a room, not unlike the room she and Lana once shared. Every detail is correct. From the poster that said "Princesses Rule!", to her teatime set, her dolls are in order, her twin size bed outfitted for a queen is displayed proudly, and her narcissistic pictures from beauty pageants past are outside. She was there for about an hour and 15 minutes while IRL Lola was answering the long questionnaire. She looks in a mirror and sees that she looks like she's 6-years-old again. This must be the avatar that she was talking about. Well, the door isn't locked anymore so I guess it's time for her to venture out.

Lola moves down and enters a room that looks like the Depths II. In it are pedestals for a few items that Lola will need throughout her mental trials and tribulations. She picks them up.

 **1UP!**

 **Extra Life**

 **3**

 **HP up**

 **A Dollar**

 **The Compass**

 **The end is near**

 **Lucky Foot**

 **Luck up**

 **Magneto**

 **Item snatcher**

 **Treasure Map**

 **Full visible map**

 **The Battery**

 **Stores energy**

 **Steam Sale**

 **50% off**

 **Humbling Bundle**

 **1+1 free 4ever!**

 **Mr. Mega**

 **Blast damage**

 **The Wafer**

 **Damage resistance**

 **Money=Power**

 **$$$=DMG**

 **9 Volt**

 **Quicker charge**

 **Pageant Boy**

 **Ultimate grand supreme**

 **Celtic Cross**

 **You feel blessed**

 **Holy Mantle**

 **Holy shield**

 **Mitre**

 **You feel blessed**

 **Fate**

 **Flight eternal**

 **Sad Bombs**

 **Tear blast, +5 bombs**

 **Black Lotus**

 **HP up x3!**

 **Blue Map**

 **Secrets**

 **There's Options**

 **More options**

 **The Polaroid**

 **Fate chosen**

 **The Soul**

 **I am all**

 **Car Battery**

 **Double charge!**

 **Glitter Bombs**

 **Prize bombs!**

 **Analog Stick**

 **360° tears!**

 **Duality**

 **You feel very balanced**

 **Eucharist**

 **Peace be with you**

 **Angelic Prism**

 **Eclipsed by the moon**

 **Teleport**

 **Teleport!**

 **AAA Battery**

 **Trickle Charge**

There are 2 items that particularly caught her eye. The first one is a sleek sky-blue item. She picks it up.

 **Tear Gun**

 **To defend yourself with**

When she test-fires it, multicolored discharges consisting of blue, red and green electricity fire out of it. They discharge in a pattern of concentrically circular rings.

"Huh? I thought it would fire water, not electricity."

Glancing at the second item, it is a simple ornate crown. It gives off a cyan hue.

"Ooh." Lola said with a reverential awe "Such a dazzlingly beautiful crown. I have to try it on!"

She picks up the crown, which is also the last item in the room.

 **Crown of Light**

 **The untainted gain power**

She figures it's time to enter the next door. It's a pallor grey frame with a skull on top. Such a foreboding door. Lola knows that this is going to be bad for her, and yet, she must continue.

* * *

Lola steps into the door. A Blondish-Yellow essence flows out of her. And there in the center of the room is a figure that resembles Lola but is coated in a whitish matter. It looks almost as if the humanoid creature is…melting? The white Lola turns to face the original, and in a raspy voice it says:

"If it isn't Lola. Welcome to the mindscape. As I'm sure you're aware, humans can use 100% of their brain. Well, I am the manifestation of 90% of yours. I am going to make sure I colonize all 100% of your brain and turn you over to the dark side! You won't retake your mind, I will assure you that."

It notices the Blond Yellow essence. It gazes at it.

"Oh, so that's one of your insecurities? Maybe it's time to test you." It says as it breaks a part of itself off.

"I'll see you at the end, Lola. If you can even make it that far. Au revoir, mon rival!" It says as it teleports away, but not before spraying Lola with some sort of violet liquid. Lola reads the bottle it dropped.

"Eau de Attraction?"

Meanwhile the blob of itself absorbs the Blond Yellow essence and shifts into a familiar figure, though this construct of Lola's mind is so big that we can only see its legs. In a booming voice, it shouts:

"LOLA!"

She recognizes that voice…it's

…

…

…

Rita?!

* * *

It seems that there's no way around this. Lola tries to dodge the giantess' stomps. The boss doors start sending gapers to attack her.

"Mom! Please, stop! I don't want to hurt you!" Lola shouted at her, to no avail

The gapers close in on her, while Rita's foot gets ready to crush her! Just when it looks like Lola will give up, a voice shouts:

"Remember, that's not your real mom! It's just a manifestation of your insecurity!"

Upon hearing this, Lola snaps out of it and starts to fight. She kills the gapers surrounding her and just narrowly dodges the construct's stomp! Lola counters by firing at the leg of the fake! Eventually, Lola manages to kill it. The Blond Yellow essence returns to Lola and the door to the next room opens. She enters the door and is in a fleshy colored room, decorated with viscera! Is this the Womb?

* * *

This time, a Dark Blue essence flies into the heart in the center of the room. It starts pumping vigorously, during which 2 fetuses are emerging. One of them has what looks like a crown formed out of the heart's myocardium, while the second one has what looks like a cap formed out of the heart's pericardium. Surprisingly, they can talk. The coronated one speaks.

"You. You pale in comparison to the filthy one."

The capped one interjects.

"Please, stop sis…"

"Not now, I'm scolding." It says to its twin "Now where was I…." It glances at Lola "Ah yes, you. You think you're so clean? Ha, you're even filthier than she was. Inside…I can see it, an empty void where your heart should be. Why don't you just admit it to yourself, you've been holding her back. Your twin is kinder, smarter and way more beautiful than you can ever be!"

"Stop that, you're just going to make her mad!" The capped one pleaded

"I want her to get mad!" The coronated one responded, as it focuses on Lola. "Come on, bitch! Do it already and kill yourself! You'll make the world a better place! Or better yet…

"What are you doing…" The capped one cautiously asked

"Let me do it for you!"

"Go ahead, I won't help you." The capped one said to its brethren

"Fine, I don't need you!"

Lola aims her weapon at the crowned fetus. She focuses fire on it.

"Pathetic! My turn!"

The heart drops down and sends down a wave of blood shots. Which Lola tries to dodge, but gets hit, disabling her shield.

"Lola, this is the end of you!" It continues to boast

Lola ignores the braggart and continues to electrocute the little twat.

"Grr. Time to die, you little brat!" It continues

The heart ejects 8 brimstone lasers, the diagonals reach the span of the room while the cardinal directional lasers reach half of the room. The lasers start rotating in a circular fashion. Unfortunately, Lola gets hit by one of the lasers. She manages to take advantage of the temporary invincibility frames and kill the coronated fetus. But oddly, the heart is still active!

The heart slows its heartbeat to 4 beats per minute. But the capped fetus is still there, hugging the heart tightly. She listens closely and hears crying. It's shown shivering…Lola feels terrible she has to do it, but in order to get further, she has to finish off the boss.

"I'm sorry."

Lola begins attacking the second fetus until it goes down. Its last words were:

"Mom? It's so cold…but…I guess it's time for me to rejoin her, right? Lola…I'll be with you soon."

The heart explodes in a flurry of gore as the Dark Blue essence returns to Lola. Lola feels like the scum of the Earth. After all, not only did she commit duofeticide, she also committed coricide! A heavenly light shone on the spot where the heart once was. Lola heads toward the light, tears in her eyes, and ascends to the Cathedral.

Upon entering the Cathedral, she meets up with Lana's ghost.

"Thank you." It said "I know you feel bad, but you did the right thing. Now, the third trial is at hand, step forward when you're ready…"

* * *

Her soul dissipates in to thin air. Lola steps forward and gets ready for the third trial. A Pink essence exits her, and enters the third boss, which is…herself?! It's in a fetal position, crying. Miraculously, her tiara is still atop her head. Lola begins to attack and sees that the boss counters her attacks. She managed to take 2 hits during this, disabling her shield and losing her first soul heart!

She manages to take down the first phase of herself with relative ease.

In the second phase, the boss now summons angelic baby enemies to help deal damage, which Lola dispatches of easily! Though, she does lose a soul heart during this phase, her Celtic Cross activated, which she takes advantage of in the third phase!

In the third and last phase, Lola heads to the upper left corner as the boss starts summoning beams of light to strike her down. The shield wore off during the time the attack was executed, but Lola moves out of the safe spot to periodically damage the boss. All throughout the fight, an ominous Latin song booms:

 **Deus x7**

 **Quod puella, x7 (alternate with below)**

 **Sectator Satanas x7 (alternate with above)**

 **Quod rosea puella, quod vehementi unum**

 **O, Deus!**

 **Non let eam lucror**

 **Absolvo eam a peccatum**

 **O, Deus!**

 **Vos oportet dimiserunt eam exsisto liber**

 **Vos oportet terminus eam miseriae!**

* * *

Eventually, Lola deals enough damage so that the boss doesn't die, but rather ascends! She drops the Pink essence, which Lola reclaims. A massive stone staircase heads downward from the Cathedral. Lola walks down the stairs. Its steps being 666 by 616. After a long while, 410,256 steps to be exact, Lola manages to enter Sheol, the Dark Lord's domain! A Purple essence exits Lola and emits a bright flash of light, transporting her into the throne room within Sheol. On the throne, Lola is sitting in a slouching position.

"Well, you made it here, me. Congratulations, but now it's time for pain. Come out, my servant!"

A very ugly looking creature emerged from the shadows. It looks like it has black angelic wings, with 2 horns protruding from its head. It also has an inverted cross on its forehead. It looks at Lola with its blood red eyes.

"Go, attack her!"

The creature tries to attack Lola, but Lola evades it and easily destroys it.

"Every time. Well, let's skip to the main event."

The Lola on the throne explodes violently, revealing the boss' true form, Satan! Coated entirely in black, he has red eyes and an inverted cross on his forehead just like The Fallen. But unlike him, Satan has a goat head and a pale brown cloth, which he now sheds as he goes into his first phase, revealing he's extremely buff!

Lola immediately responds by shooting at him, but he counters by coughing up blood, which Lola gets hit by, disabling her shield. Lola stands in front of him and focuses her fire on him. Satan takes notice and charges a brimstone laser, but Lola manages to drive him back and send him into his second phase!

In his second phase, Satan grows so massive that Lola can only see his legs. He tries to stomp on her with his hooves! He also starts to summon kamikaze leeches to attack her. Lola takes out the leeches while dodging and countering his stomps by shooting his hoof. Lola takes another full soul heart of damage, but she manages to take down Satan's legs. A platform reacts to her presence in the room and lights a tiara flare to mark itself. She steps on it and it starts moving. Eventually, the platform breaks off and levitates. It starts moving to a red platform far off in the distance, but before she can get to it. Satan's head emerges from the shadows and starts to send a volley of projectiles to shoot her down!

Lola manages to dodge the barrage of red tears, grey tears, brimstone lasers, flame breath and razor blades as she makes it to the red platform. She sees a pentagram in the middle of the arena. She pauses for a brief respite to catch her breath, and then steps on the pentagram, which fills with blood and slots itself in. A booming, demonic voice shouts:

"Alol!"

* * *

Suddenly, Satan's face and hands reveal itself and starts to attack Lola. He sends out a wave of 4 blood shots fast, which Lola dodges and counters by attacking his hands. She manages to disable them both and it allows her to focus fire on the face! After dealing enough damage, he retreats into the background as a big black book with a black pentagram falls. His hands grab it and pull it into the background. He starts to speak in the old tongue.

"Quod unum in quod alba equus. Has oblivionis habet rediit ad lucror iterum magis! Lucrandum adversus vos erit eius quondam coronatam factum!" -Exitium Unum

Suddenly a blue sigil appears on the floor. Lola takes a look at the insignia for it and is horrified at what she saw. The image displayed shows Lola standing over Lana, a bow in her hand. The figure that resembles Lana looks like it was pelted with arrows. A pool of blue is under its body.

"Now, arise! Forgotten harbinger!"

The sigil lights up and a pale blindfolded creature is summoned from it. He is riding a white hobby horse. It looks as if he's yelling something like "Hey, you damn kids get off of my lawn!"

Lola begins to fight the forgotten one. He starts by summoning copies of himself and charges at her! She dodges and counters, as he begins firing a cross made of homing shots. Lola manages to outrun them and shoot back. The horseman tries to summon beams of light to strike her down. They miss as Lola finishes off the pallor rider!

"Orior ex quod sol praeparandum terra, usibus la potentia ex quod sol ad adolebitque auferetur omnis spes apud quidam nimius siccitas! Esurierit enim charitas." -Exitium Duo

"Unum de carne et sanguis. Quod equitem, indutus a lorica de ruber. Est luravit ad suus gladio. Eius pugnator spiritus voluntas secare vos descendit!" -Exitium Tres

"Vos scio eum. Quod sceletus vestitus apud a nigrum vestimentum. Apud eius falx, euis occidere omnis!"-Exitium Quattour

The sigils light up, summoning Famine, War and Death, the remaining members of the 4 harbingers. Though, War looks bigger than normal, for some reason. Lola begins to fight off the 3 horsemen.

"I should worry about copyright, but I'm Satan, so screw it. I'm playing a fitting song for this battle."

 _War_ by _The Temptations_ starts to play and override Satan's theme.

Lola attacks Famine first, and takes him down in about 6 shots, he got killed so fast, he didn't even get to separate his head to attack her! Next, she moves on to Death, who attacks by throwing scythes! Lola tries to dodge, but gets hit anyway because Death's scythes are homing! The caveat is that Lola used the invincibility frames to knock Death off of his horse.

In the meantime, War charges at her, but Lola effortlessly dodges and counter fires. By sheer luck, she managed to destroy Death's mount! As Lola destroys War's mount, Death got caught in the crossfire and was killed. War charges at her, but Lola runs circles around him, literally, until he tires out, and Lola can use this opening to deal damage. She takes down the last horseman as Satan ends the song.

"Quod princeps de prenuntiae, erat creatum per humani generis progressus. Perambulat quod terra, relinquo a trahentium ex mortem in eius excito! Habet distenti sunt sursum a altiorem corporis numerare quam omnis de alii!" -Exitium Quinque

The fifth and final sigil appears. The insignia displayed shows smog.

"Now, arise! Pestilence, make her resolve decay away!"

The final sigil lights up and summons the fifth harbinger. It looks to be a rotting corpse, coated in sickly, decayed green skin. Lola can see that the right side of its head has completely rotted away, exposing a part of its skull.

Lola stays away from him and fires. Pestilence takes enough damage that he becomes headless and starts firing explosive shots. Lola evades them and finishes off Pestilence.

"Grr. Try these on for size!" Satan yelled at her

* * *

"Sic, vos cogitare vos sunt eiusmodi calidum supellectilem?! Fortasse vos oportet habet a gustum de vester agnosco medicinae! Post omnis, sunt vos non quod opitmus membrum de quod Loud House?! Haec erit vester labes!" Exitium Sex

A brilliant flash of light illuminates the field. It appears Satan has summoned his disciple, Lola! She irradiates a dazzling gleam around her.

"Facere fatigo, Lols. Ego adduxistis a pauci amicis secus apud mihi." She said as two very familiar people step out of the shadows "Haec est Edmunster Mcmillet et Delorean Tinsel."

"Now, Ultra Pride, show our guest how she really acts!"

"Sic, dominus."

The Ultra Prides begin to attack Lola, with Edmunster firing triple explosive shots, Delorean firing single blood shots, and Lola firing a continuous stream of blood shots. Lola slips by the projectiles and easily takes out Delorean and Edmunster.

"Mcmillen down! Mcmillen down!" Satan shouts from the background

Lola begins to focus on the true Ultra Pride. It was a difficult battle, as Lola had to dodge many Trisagion and Crack the Sky beams, especially since Ultra Pride had marked Lola and was able to focus fire on her. She got hit once, bringing her life counter down to 9 hearts, but she eventually took down the first Ultra Sin!

"Satanas' geminos de exitium. Quod maxime infamis membra de Loud House! Ea est intelligentes ad malus, faciendo unethical et fornicatoribus experimenta indu euis sua familia! Quod est a pyromaniac, et quod optimus pars? Est omnis vester culpam eium convertit ad malum!" -Extitum Septem

Two more Ultra Sins get summoned.

The left one is wearing a charred patchwork-like mask, as well as a burnt orange shirt and blue jeans coated with ash. He starts to speak.

"Scis, Lola. Ego oportet gratas tibi. Agimus ad vos, Ego scio quails dolor est. Omnis quod dolor vos habet vulneribus disperierant en mihi super quod annorum, illud fecit mihi intellego, ego diligitis dolor. Obsecro nocere mihi, mea regina!"

The right one is wearing clothes of the cardinals, but is wearing a purple hollow mask. However, Lola can still see her auburn hair, green shirt, brown baggy pants and old brown loafers. For some reason, Lola feels an immense sense of dread when near her. Surprisingly, she doesn't speak in Latin like her brethren. But it doesn't sound like a "language" either…

"Tbq, fbv usx Fxsn glpf Iwl Obx Txym? Drmf, J tg Upfb zshg Cor Qlpwcphy Mcoviuu: Fuchfuch. Giy Etlt Sbsx xtm bv vnjsxmblq cs uay lonpm J vudzre co fs qvzf xjfywzvph uauc or clpnaqa zf bfky! Fonu xjw C mv? V lcmeym vhs zbmbny, nt qfef jz splnxx j Znuuobw lbyu qpkmqpcqcoz idy osiuaya. Drmf, xayal'f Vfuku Nuiz? C'n fyalyz nbdcwn ufl qeull gfgqhljyvms. Ihq dusplunhjar gis rid..."

"Ultra Wrath, Ultra Envy! Make her taste true strength, unleashed!"

"Sic, dominus."

"Go ahead and try, the kid inside will set you free!" Ultra Envy taunted

Lola tries to electrocute her, but the discharge got absorbed!

"That won't work!"

Ultra Envy takes out a gun, holds it in front of her head, and shoots 3 times. The bullets deflect off of her mask. She throws the gun into the abyss below.

"See, projectiles don't work on me!"

"Fine, maybe THIS will work on you!"

Lola lays down a bomb and runs away.

"Does she really think that will…?"

While Ultra Envy was boasting, Ultra Wrath walks over to the bomb and gets blown up. He doesn't take damage, but he does get charmed!

"Ahh, mea regina, Ego voluntas pugna enim vos!"

Ultra Wrath starts attacking Ultra Envy!

"What are you doing you bloodthirsty idiot?! I'm on your side!"

"Ego pugnare enim fortissimum latus!"

"Then rejoin us!"

"Ego erat non loquitur fere vos!"

Ultra Envy retaliates by firing fear shots at him!

"Ahh, effugium!" He says as he runs away from the ultimate evil

Lola begins to fire on Ultra Envy, who takes notice and counter fires! Lola gets hit and is inflicted by fear! She flees from Ultra Envy. Ultra Wrath regains his senses and snaps out of his charmed effect!

Lola snaps out of her fear effect and dodges the minefield that Ultra Wrath is laying and continues firing on Ultra Envy! At half health, she swaps weapons!

"Cerebrum de Bob?! Vos voluntas occidere tu ipse!" Ultra Wrath shouted at her

Lola is forced to play a dangerous game of cat and mouse, avoiding Ultra Wrath's bombs and Ultra Envy's explosive projectile. After a long battle of attrition, Lola takes down Ultra Envy. After that, she focuses on Ultra Wrath, who's significantly easier than his partner. Though Lola did get careless and lost another soul heart, bringing her down to 8, she did manage to defeat him.

"Grr. Annoying brat! Die already!" Satan boomed

* * *

"Quod quadruplex de chao voluntas dilacerant quod mundum seorsum! Tempus a cuso vester exitium apud diligitis. Ego affirm vos, vester fame erit loco a quis!" -Exitium Octo

The remaining Ultra Sins get summoned.

In the top-middle, is a vaguely humanoid form that resembles Lola's sister, Luna. She kept her brown hair, paperclip earrings, and purple outfit. The only difference is that her purple outfit now has streaks of green on it. She summons a purple guitar with green highlights on it.

In the bottom right is a creature that looks like Lynn Jr. The "1" on her jersey has become a trident. She licks her lips upon seeing Lola. She maneuvers on the icy-cold bedrock all spider-like. She even excretes a spindly, sticky, adhesive substance from her fingers. It says "ego consumo omnis" to her.

If all the sins look disfigured in some way, what would the last sin look like? Lola imagines a hideously deformed creature with every type of STD known to humankind, a figure with some type of venereal disease, or at the very least, a slutty looking humanoid.

Lola looks to the bottom left and sees…

…

…

…

Probably the most "normal" of the Ultra Sins.

The sin looks like a prismatic form of Lola's sister, Leni. Her body is made up of a pink hard-light and it seems that there's nothing that outwardly makes her sinful. She seems to be unnerved by the consumer.

"Ultra Gluttony, Ultra Sloth, Ultra Lust, it's your turn!"

Ultra Gluttony tries to lunge at Lola!

"Ego miror quid vos gustum ad modum. Fortasse a parfait?"

Ultra Lust runs away from Ultra Gluttony as fast as possible. In the blink of an eye, she teleports to the other side of the arena.

Ultra Gluttony charges a brimstone laser, as Lola begins to attack her. She tries to evade Ultra Gluttony's utterly MASSIVE attack, by evading in a diagonal direction. The attack fires, unleashing a giant laser in all 4 cardinal directions! Lola keeps focusing on Ultra Gluttony until she eventually managed to kill her.

"Ultra Sloth, make her count the stars!"

Ultra Sloth summons a platform, which she rides alongside the outskirts of the arena. She starts shredding on her guitar, producing a salvo of musical note shaped projectiles to bombard the arena with.

No matter how hard she tries, Lola's electric shots will always fade away before getting to Ultra Sloth. That means there's only one target left. Lola tries to lock eyes with Ultra Lust, but she can't find her!

"I just want to make everyone happy!"

Wait, that voice! Lola recognizes that voice from somewhere once before…

"In a way, yes. I'm the light of your mind."

"So, you're in my brain? Cool!"

"Yes, but he's also here."

"Who?"

"Delirium, the darkness of your mind."

"What does it all mean?"

"It will come to fruition in due time, my dear Lola."

Could the time be…now?

Lola calls out to that person.

"Leni!"

For some reason, Ultra Lust reacts to that name and stops running away.

"Huh. Did someone call my name?"

Lola tries to approach her.

"Dang it, this is a trick to get me to stop running, isn't it?"

"What, no! Isn't your name Lust?"

"Actually, it's Libidine, the Latin word for lust."

* * *

"Then why did you stop when I said my sister's name? Also, isn't your partner supposed to be attacking me?"

"Oh, I want to hear this, so your safe until she's done explaining." Ultra Sloth said from afar

"To answer your question, well isn't "Leni" your sister's name?"

"Yes, didn't I just tell you that?"

"You did. You see, our true forms are wisps of concentrated sin essence. And we take the form of the person that is closely associated with our assigned person's sins. It is called the Sin Matrix, and it is how everyone on Earth has the same 7 sins."

"Because we have existed since time immemorial, we can speak every language. Though most of the sins are old-fashioned and speak in the old tongue, Latin. I prefer English or the new tongue, Italian."

"Now, there is a sin that is most closely associated with a certain person, called a Patron Sin, and it just so happens that I'm yours. We usually offer advice to our person, but it's up to them to follow through with it."

"But aren't the Seven Deadly Sins evil?"

Ultra Lust scoffs and seems somewhat offended at this claim.

"Maybe if you're not human, then you can get rid of us. But maybe I can change your mind. You see, us sins are on a spectrum. You need to have a balance to lead a healthy lifestyle. Too little, and you die. However, too much, and your life will spiral out of control."

Ultra Lust shows Lola a slideshow.

"This is what happens when there is no sin for a person."

The person in the slideshow is shown sulking.

"Why even bother? Everything I make is trash!"

He is shown with a massive amount of designs for some amazing prototypes.

"No Pride."

Next scene shows _Viacom_.

"Well, it has been 50 years, but we have monopolized children's entertainment! Those kids will watch any mindless drivel we put on air!"

The executives laugh evilly.

"Can anyone break the stagnation and degradation of all kid's entertainment?! Not without Envy, you can't."

Next scene shows a classic.

"Come on, kid! Give us your money!"

The kid has an evil glare, scene cuts to a news broadcast.

"We are here covering the worst school mass shooting in history. The assailant has brought 2 AR15's, 2 M16's, 2 Uzis, 2 AK47's, and a massive amount of ammunition."

"Poor kid never stood a chance. Without Wrath's ability, he exploded in a fury! What's the ability? Catharsis, of course."

Next scene, it shows a person with bloodshot eyes, rocking back and forth in paranoia.

"You probably saw this one coming, no Sloth means no sleep, which means sleep deprivation and death."

Next scene, a homeless guy is shown on the road.

"Ok admittedly, this one is a bit egregious, but he has forgone EVERYTHING material, for fear that taking ANYTHING would be considered greedy. No food, no water, no clothes, and soon, no life."

Next scene shows a skeleton.

"Yep, starved to death. Without Gluttony, there's no hunger pangs to remind you to do that thing you need to do to not die. So, you can accidently starve to death."

Ultra Lust continues with her explanation.

"While on the subject of Gluttony, I don't care much for her, but she's locked in an eternal battle with the harbinger Famine. Those two hate each other! Famine is winning, by the way. Let me ask you, do you know why people fast?"

"Because of religion?"

"Well, yes. But what the texts don't tell you is that it is an offering to Famine. It's basically saying "I don't need this food, you can take it." Those humans are playing a dangerous game with him. Just wait until Famine decides to take drinks, too. Luckily, he's appeased at you starving yourselves, so he won't take all of your sustenance…for now."

Last scene, it shows a guy.

"Oh, it seems normal now, but without Lust, there's no love, no love equals no sex, no sex equals no children, no children equals the death of an entire bloodline once our favorite harbinger approaches!"

The slideshow ends.

"I understand now."

* * *

"Good, it seems humanity isn't completely lost yet. But there's a more pressing issue."

"Delirium?"

"Yes, Lola. Right now, he has about 41% of your mind still under his control. I want to help you get through this sector of your brain."

"So, does that mean…?"

"Yes, it does, Lola. I'm going to help you."

Ultra Lust hugs Lola. She feels warm to the touch.

Satan claps in the background.

"Ha, ha, ha. So precious that it almost made me cry." He sneered "Libidine, are you really going to betray me?"

"Yes!"

"You've always been a spoiled little sin, but maybe I should unleash my secret weapon."

"Can you hurry up? This noose chafes!"

"Alright, come on down, super sin!"

Satan cuts the noose. Allowing the final sin to land on the bedrock floor. It takes on the form of Lola's eldest sister, Lori. Instead of her usual cyan tank top, this sin is wearing a cyan V-neck, which seems to be both exposing her cleavage and accentuating her breasts. A dark blue "V" is emblazoned on it. She is also wearing very short khaki shorts that accent her labia. It also has a cellphone with a cyan case surrounding it. Finally, her noose morphs into a beige scarf. It hums a familiar tune, which Ultra Lust recognizes.

"Ah, _Ecstasy of Gold_ by _Ennio Morricone_. Seems fitting when fighting against Ultra Greed, but aren't you dressed a little bit differently to be humming that?"

"Oh, you're just jealous that I, Ultra Greed, look even sexier than you, the one who's supposed to look sexy, right Libidine?"

"Well, it seems to me that someone somewhere thinks that you're a slut, Cupiditas."

"Isn't it ironic that my name has the word "cupid" in it? The messenger of love…it seems too perfect to me. Since according to that twerp there, I'm the only one of her sisters to be in a relationship!" Ultra Greed said, not hearing a word Ultra Lust said

"Ultra Sloth, how about a warm up performance for our "guest" here?"

"Vos surrexit illud, bulla homine!"

She looks at me…

"You might have heard this one before."

She starts belting out a spooktacular tune.

 **Eternal darkness unto Sheol**

 **For those eager to pay death's toll**

 **You don't want to end up dead**

 **You used to be the one to deride**

 **Now it's time to kill your drive**

 **They just want some company**

 **Perhaps it's time to flee**

 **Every room, on every floor**

 **To spill your blood evermore**

 **Sorry sis, you'll get nixed**

 **You'll get nixed**

 **With thrills and chills**

 **As you rack up kills**

 **You'd better leave now**

 **I can hear them growl**

 **Nixed, nixed, nixed**

 **You'll get nixed**

 **Be aware of Hosts and Vises**

 **Else you'll wind up with the fishes**

 **You'll never escape**

 **Want me to write your eulogy**

 **You don't know how happy that makes me**

 **Where's your bravado now?**

 **Spilling guts across the floor**

 **Clean up on aisle 4**

 **Hurry Lols, it's almost noon**

 **Sorry sis, you'll get nixed**

 **You'll get nixed**

 **With thrills and chills**

 **As you rack up kills**

 **You'd better leave now**

 **I can hear them growl**

 **Nixed, nixed, nixed**

 **You'll get nixed**

 **You'll get… nixed**

Lola can't help but applaud the amazing song. Even if Ultra Sloth is her enemy, she can lay down amazing tracks just like Luna can.

"Aww, it looks like I attracted a fan. Well I'm glad you love my music…

…

…

…

"Because it's the last thing you're ever going to hear."

* * *

Lola looks at Ultra Sloth and sees a massive array of music notes. While we were all were listening to the awesome music, Ultra Sloth was busy forming an attack! The notes form an outline of Hank and Hawk, or as Lola knows them, those two big stinkers that ruined Halloween for the entire Loud family that one time. Ultra Sloth even manages to synthesize their big, dumb laughter!

Note Hank and Hawk try to do a football tackle on her, which Lola tries to dodge, but there are so many notes that it was inevitable she'd get hit.

("Hmm, Lola can't deal with attacks like those while fighting off Ultra Greed. There's only one thing to do…")

"I challenge you to a music duel!" Ultra Lust yelled to Ultra Sloth

"Really? You're not exactly the musical type. But ok, I can humor you, sis."

Ultra Lust summons a platform and steps on it to head into the background. She summons a guitar and starts to strum a soft rock ballad. Ultra Sloth mocks her.

"Seriously, you think playing " _Morituros_ " will beat me? Here's some real music!"

Ultra Sloth begins shredding a frenetic, fast paced heavy metal instrumental! The force of the soundwave knocks Ultra Lust back a few feet, but she manages to recover. She notices that white colored notes are heading toward Lola! In desperation, she mimics the instrumental that Ultra Sloth is playing and manages to destroy the oncoming projectiles!

"Perhaps you're better than I gave you credit for, what song are you playing, because it doesn't sound like mine."

"It's… a remix! I call it "Menicide"!"

"Mind Killer, huh? How fitting. But I won't be beaten by your little remix!"

Ultra Sloth plays harder, eventually overpowering Ultra Lust, and once again knocking her away!

("Grr…no matter what I do she'll counter me by playing something from her playlist! Maybe…maybe it's time to cover a track she can't. The song is so epic that it might kill me, but there's no choice! I have to play that song if it's the only chance we have to beat her!")

"Give up and recognize me as the better musician, sister?"

"No, I have a track I know you can't cover!"

Ultra Lust starts strumming a soft rock instrumental.

"Huh? That song…I feel like I've heard it before…"

Ultra Sloth realizes what song she's playing and starts to panic.

"Are you seriously playing THAT song?! If you play any of the 29 forbidden songs, you'll die. I know because I tried playing the final boss theme and I literally died playing it, so please, don't play it!"

Ultra Lust continues to play, and now, she starts to sing.

* * *

 **It's time to purge your dark thoughts**

 **Wash away those ink blots**

 **Make peace with your sins**

 **And find the strength within!**

 **Listen to me**

 **I am not**

 **Your enemy**

 **My gift, my song**

 **Just follow along**

 **You know you aren't wrong**

 **You are so close**

 **I can see the repose**

 **With this song's dose**

 **You will have arose**

 **You are the one who knows**

 **The time to fight is nigh**

 **Now it is time to do or die**

 **But with my help you will fly**

 **Here's a gift to remember me by**

 **Just try…**

 **I know I'm not strong**

 **Just your tag-along**

 **But with me by your side**

 **You'll finish this crazy ride**

 **[Instrumental]**

 **The Fourth trial's end**

 **Will you upend**

 **And win**

 **Or be overtaken by sin?**

 **With Greed, Sloth and Lust**

 **I haven't**

 **Broken your trust**

 **Proceed, you must**

 **Even though**

 **The fights are intense**

 **You must reclaim**

 **Your fourth essence**

 **Is it your fate**

 **To continue to manipulate?**

 **We hope it abates**

 **You'll continue your streak**

 **Mental punishment to mete**

 **Survive, and rejoin your family**

 **Create everlasting memories**

 **It's the end, so I urge**

 **Press on!**

 **You're on the verge**

 **Ad Victoria!**

* * *

Ultra Sloth is absolutely shocked! Nothing has happened to Ultra Lust during the entire time she's playing the song, and she knows this song can kill those unworthy to play its melody, as she's tried it before. Does that mean…Ultra Lust is worthy to play it?

" _A…A…Antibirth_?! Impossible!"

Upon looking at Lola, she has an orange aura around her with a red, an orange and a cyan heart orbiting around her as she fights Ultra Greed!

"This power? Libidine, what did you do?"

"Motivate you with a rocking song!" She replies happily "Beat that, Ultra Sloth."

"I will."

Ultra Sloth starts playing an ominous and menacing theme.

* * *

 **It is time for her to die**

 **Come on now, do not cry**

 **Her plan to turn you, so sly**

 **It won't fly!**

 **How pathetic, she can't read**

 **This song will make her ears bleed**

 **This warning, you should heed**

 **She's done evil deeds!**

 **Listen to me!**

 **She'll want more!**

 **On every floor**

 **Destruction in her wake**

 **From her, no escape!**

 **Please, I don't want to hurt you, Lust**

 **But if I have to, I must**

 **Stop your rebellion**

 **And leave that little hellion**

 **I will remove that thorn**

 **Even if it will bring your scorn**

 **I'm so torn…**

 **[Instrumental]**

 **It is our divine right**

 **To continue the fight**

 **It is our destiny**

 **And we can't flee**

 **Exterminate that pest**

 **Cause widespread unrest**

 **This action is the best**

 **[Instrumental]**

 **What is wrong with you, Lust?**

 **How can I earn your trust?**

 **No need to cause a fuss**

 **Your cause is a bust**

 **[Mini-instrumental]**

 **Come on, use your head**

 **And help end the bloodshed**

 **Stop being her shield**

 **And we'll force her to yield**

 **Emotions inundated**

 **From a fight that's fated**

 **No way to abate it**

 **My blood's coagulated…**

Cracks start to emerge on Ultra Sloth's entire body! They ooze a purplish fluid…could this be her blood?

"Ultra Sloth, stop playing, or else you will die!" Ultra Lust shouts out

 **Stop your ceaseless prattle**

 **As she slaughters neurons like cattle**

 **Let us finish this battle**

 **Confuse her and make her addle**

 **Please, come about**

 **Don't make me clout**

 **You, as you are**

 **The best of us**

 **Cede your bout with me**

 **Let Lola either die or flee**

 **And we can finally be happy!**

Ultra Sloth charges at Lola, firing a barrage of white, grey and silver notes.

"LOLA!"

Lola just narrowly dodges Ultra Sloth's kamikaze attack on her! Ultra Sloth didn't survive the attack, however. That only leaves one big sin left, Ultra Greed! Ultra Lust rejoins the fight on the arena.

* * *

"So, it's up to me, as I'm literally the only one left. Well, it wouldn't be a Greed fight without money, and I literally have an infinite supply so…"

Ultra Greed takes out a box with a slot in it.

Lola scoffs at this "So?"

Ultra Lust knows what that item is and reacts with fear.

"Lola, that item is called Magic Fingers. It deals damage by sacrificing a coin to use it."

"And?"

"Ultra Greed has infinite coins."

Lola realizes they might be screwed.

"We have to destroy it."

Ultra Lust tries to get close enough to destroy it while Lola tries to attack her.

"It's time for a little demonstration." Ultra Greed says as she puts in a coin and presses a button. The item sends out a damaging shockwave and knocks Ultra Lust and Lola away. But, in doing so, Lola's Celtic Cross activates, which Lola takes advantage of by unleashing a massive amount of damage on her, and making her go into her bronze form and the second phase of this boss. While that was happening, Ultra Lust managed to destroy the Magic Fingers!

Lola and Ultra Lust use a few combination attacks to force Ultra Greed into her silver form and her third phase. Ultra Greed responds by showering the battlefield with silver shrapnel. Ultra Lust protects herself and Lola with the Trinity Shield, a useful item.

They wear her down into her fourth phase, the golden form. Upon this phase taking more than 50% of her health, she morphs into a semisolid amorphous blob of gold.

"Don't let that blob touch you! You'll die a very painful death if she catches you!"

"I won't."

Both of them evade the pool of gold until it reforms into Ultra Greed. They continue to attack until she's forced into her fifth and final phase, the platinum form!

Ultra Greed uses her cellphone and shoots out an array of blue "V"'s to damage them. Both of them dodged the attack, but when Ultra Lust tries to attack, Ultra Greed intercepts her with another item.

"What the…?! I can't move!"

"That's right, you can't!"

Ultra Greed begins to deal damage to Ultra Lust. Eventually the freeze effect wears off and she swats her away.

"Traitor!" She yelled as she takes out a piece of electrified metal, coated in platinum. She rushes at Ultra Lust trying to deliver the final blow. But she manages to parry Ultra Greed's attack with the Trinity Shield.

"Lola…It looks like it's the end for me."

"No…it can't be true."

"Don't worry about me, after all, it takes more than this to kill off a sin."

Lola starts to tear up…

"Now listen to me. Once this attack destroys my body, there will be something to pick up. I want you to have it, as it will help you on your future trials. Think of it as me being with you in spirit."

Lola can barely stop her tears from flowing. The shield cracks…it looks like it will be shattered at any moment!

"Luna was right, all you need is love, love is all you need."

Ultra Greed breaks through the shield and delivers one final blow to Ultra Lust. Her body shatters, and leaves behind an item. It is a pink heart with a pink aura around it. Lola felt like she had reunited with an old friend, only for her to be ripped apart from her grasp. Lola does what Ultra Lust told her to do, and grabs the item.

 **Self-Intimacy**

 **Love yourself**

Lola's eyes are now set aflame!

"Libidine, I will avenge you."

Ultra Greed may have killed the traitor, but in doing so, she made one fatal mistake! She made Lola mad. No one makes Lola mad and lives.

Suddenly, Lola begins to dodge and counter Ultra Greed's attacks perfectly! Eventually, she deals enough damage to kill the final Ultra Sin!

"Impossible! You even managed to beat Ultra Greed?!"

* * *

"In statera de lux et tenebris. Quod reprobi angeli numquid percutiat vos descendit! Quod amictorium de alba et ruber congrego…" -Exitium Novem

The fallen angels descend!

The white scarfed angel has what looks like "black hair", While the red scarfed one has what looks like "white hair". Even though Lola's rage has worn off, she easily takes down Pre-Gabriel and Pre-Uriel.

"Grr, I see I have to finish you off myself!"

Satan comes out of the shadows and slams the arena with his hand, causing jagged precipices to arise and cut Lola. Lola responds by disabling the hands and focus firing on his face. Eventually, he sinks back into the darkness and reemerges as a skeleton! But it seems he has one last trick up his sleeve.

"Quod Agnus dei. Quod symbolum de martyres ubique. Apud septem cornibus et septem oculi, humanity's cultro habet imbutus illud apud magicis potentias! Nunc illud quod tempus enim a pluviam judiciam in omnis de vos!" -Exitium Decem

He summons a ram.

"Is that it?"

Lola sacrifices the ram, just as ancient texts from long ago have done so.

The ram's corpse begins to shed its flesh. Its bones turn carbon black. It seems that Lola has incurred the wrath of the lamb.

It begins shooting out shots in a scattered pattern, which Lola dodges. She begins counter firing, and in response, the lamb shoots out cardinal brimstone lasers, which miss her. Lola deals enough damage to force it into its second phase.

In this phase, its head detaches from its body, creating two targets for her to attack! She focuses on the head first. The head charges at, but narrowly misses her. She takes advantage of the opening to deal damage to it! The body just fires off a quintuple shot aimlessly and at completely random intervals. The head spits out a quintuple homing shot, which Lola outruns. She continues to focus fire on the head until it's defeated. Finally, she is directly below the body and just fires at it until it's dead. Her electrical attack can reach the other side of the screen, so she can be far away from the body's attack. Eventually, Lola managed to beat it.

Satan lets out an eardrum shattering yell as he begins to fire a massive wave of red and grey shots. Lola deals a massive amount of damage, gets hit by one of the projectiles, takes advantage of the invincibility frames and eventually fully destroys Satan's upper half! Satan has been killed and Lola has FINALLY reclaimed the Purple essence!

The arena starts to crumble away without Satan's presence. Lola makes haste to the pentagram platform, which has been drained of blood during the onslaught. She makes it there as the platform descends into a blue room and eventually breaks apart once it lands there. This barren place…it's the Blue Womb…isn't it?

* * *

Lola enters the Blue Womb's door. A Lime Green essence exits her and goes underground. Lola sees a version of herself, but unlike her doppelganger at the Cathedral, this one seems to be blue. It has the same attacks as that boss, with the added effect of moving around a little bit. Like the Cathedral boss, it also has an ominous Latin song in the background!

 **Nos sunt vester quintus iudicium**

 **Nos sunt quod Caerulus Infans**

 **Nos sunt legione**

 **Vos sunt unum**

 **Nos sunt fere qui decies centena**

 **Novem centum milla fortis!**

 **Est tempus, Lola Loud**

 **Enim vos a faciem quod musicorum!**

 **Est vester timor**

 **De nostrum opinio**

 **Lola, adepto rid de vester post miseriam**

 **Est tempus enim vester crucifixio**

 **Proditione de familia, a scelus pejus mortis**

 **Andrzej voluntas dicere id quoadusque vester finalem spiramen!**

Eventually, Lola manages to take down this boss.

"Ha! Is that it?"

But as any _Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth +_ fan knows, no…it's not.

* * *

A spot in the middle of the room seems to grow larger and larger. It looks like a fibrous bundle of tissue forming a face. The face on it now? Lily's. It speaks the only words Lily would have known at the time.

"Poo-poo."

Lola attacks it. The creature delves underground and pops out with a new face, this time, it's Luna's. This time, it speaks in a raspy breath.

"Sister…"

It begins firing several patterns consisting of mono, double, and triple shots, easily avoidable. Lola continues firing at it until it burrows down and chooses a new face. This time, it's Lisa's face.

This time, it summons flies to attack Lola, but she easily shoots them down. It resumes firing a random pattern of shots.

"Interrupt…research…"

It takes enough damage and pops out with its fourth face, this time, it's Luan.

"How…you! Lincoln told me…read my diary! Is this…repay me? All I did…ask for a dollar!"

It alternates between the fly spawning attack and pattern shot attack, but Lola manages to lower it to the next threshold, the fifth face it takes on is Lori.

"Did you steal my…lipstick again?!"

Now it summons about 20 blue gapers from its mouth, which Lola eventually kills. She deals enough damage to force it to use a new face. The sixth one is Lynn Jr.

"That's unnecessary roughhousing! You're grounded…running over…car."

It fires shots that wrap around the screen, but they miss Lola. She deals even more damage to it, forcing it back underground and popping out with a seventh face, it possesses Leni's face.

"Lola, I think he liked me!"

It spits out 3 projectiles and burrows underground as it fires a massive number of projectiles. Lola is forced to dodge, as she can't hit it when it's underground. But she gets hit and is down to her 7 red hearts. Once it pops back up, Lola attacks it enough for it to change into its eighth face, Lucy.

"What have you done to Edwin?!"

"That's my least favorite…"

It tries more of the same, but Lola dodges and counterattacks, it burrows underground and pops out with Lana's face.

"I'm so sorry I…to be you!"

It shoots out all 3 of its projectile attacks at once. Lola tries to use the teleporter, but the bullets encompass the entire screen! She gets hit, but Celtic Cross activates, which Lola takes advantage of, piling on as much damage as possible! It has about 10% health left when it takes on its final face, Lincoln!

"Because reading with my clothes on is uncomfortable and distracting."

Lola tries to bomb it. It responds by sucking up the bomb and spitting it back out at her. It blows up in her face.

"Can't something go my way for once?"

Lola continues to try and attack it. But it seems it has a new trick up its sleeve. It sinks into the ground and tries to suck her down like a quicksand pit. Luckily, Lola manages to evade it and attack it once it pops back out! The face stealer explodes in a flash of light, leaving a burn mark of Lincoln's face on the floor. The Lime Green essence returns to her. Suddenly, a black and lilac black hole like object appears. This portal…the entrance to the Void…Lola steps inside.

* * *

Once inside the Void, Lola sees a glitchy amalgamation of every floor layout. In the center of the room, Lola comes face to face with the melty faced doppelganger!

"Ahh, how did you get here?! My copies should have killed you!"

"It's over Deliri-Lola!"

"On the contrary, it's only just begun!" Deliri-Lola said as she subdivides into 4 smaller parts. Lola looks around and sees 4 boss rooms in the cardinal directions.

Lola enters the upward room. It sends her into a wooden basement, set ablaze! In the room there's another Delirium copy, this one takes the form of Luan.

"Ha, maybe it's time for you to go relearn the fundamentals." She mocked as she summons Monstro, Gurglings, Larry Jr., Steven, The Duke of Flies, Rag Man, Gemini, Little Horn, Dingle, Turdlings, Pin, Fistula, Widow, Gurdy Jr., Blighted Ovum and The Haunt all at once!

Lola cuts through all the summoned Delirium bosses and defeats Deliri-Luan.

Lola enters the downward room and appears in a cave submerged in water. In it is the second commander, Deliri-Lana. She summons the bosses one at a time in this order: Chub, Gurdy, Mega Maw, Mega Fatty, C.H.A.D, Rag Mega, The Hollow, The Husk, Dark One, Polycephalus, Carrion Queen, The Wretched, Peep, The Frail, The Stain, The Forsaken and Big Horn.

Lola defeats this set of Delirium bosses and moves on to Deliri-Lana.

"Ah, I really don't want to fight you, I much prefer eating these churros."

It says as it eats 16 of them in no time at all.

"Welp, see ya, kid."

It presses a detonator and it blows up.

Lola moves on to the leftward room. It's a very dark, dank and musty looking area…the Delirium commander this time is Deliri-Lucy.

"You won't win." She says as she summons the bosses in pairs. The Cage and Monstro II, The Gate and Gish, The Adversary and The Bloat, The Mask of Infamy and Loki, and finally Brownie and the Sisters Vis.

Lola destroys this set of Delirium bosses. She had the easiest time with this set. She moves on to, and defeats Deliri-Lucy.

Lola moves onto the final room, the rightward one. The room is coated in viscera. The Delirium commander is nowhere to be found. Lola walks forward and hears something.

"Now!"

Lola instinctively backflips out of the way and attacks forward. Taking down the Delirium form of Mama Gurdy.

"So, you evaded the trap? Well maybe THESE will end you!"

The commander summons the last of the bosses in these waves. Scolex, Mr. Fred and Lokii, Daddy Long Legs, and lastly, Blastocyst, Teratoma and Triachnid.

The commander reveals himself to be Deliri-Lincoln. He starts trying to violently attack Lola.

"Why won't you crack, little egg?! Just die already, you little brat!"

Lola dodges and kills the final Delirium commander. Heading back into the main room is Delirium in its true form. Lola shoots at it one more time…

 **BZZZAAAPPP!**

And finally kills off the darkness plaguing her mind.

She did it.

* * *

She confronted and defeated her inner demons. She's dealt with her insecurities and has moved on from her past.

The Doan-pleganger deactivates the machine and we return back to reality. It's about 1:45 PM.

"So, do you feel better?"

"You know what, I do."

I leave the building and head back home.

"So, did you finish that thing you were doing?"

"Yes, I did, Leif. I have a surprise for you."

I show him his surprise, which are 2 handguns.

"One for me, and one for you. And just so Lyle can't get into it…"

I put it on a ledge high above anything he can reach.

"There are 2 keys to the case. One for me and one for you." I said as I hand one of the keys to him

"Aw, thanks Lola."

"You're welcome."

I retreat back to my room and relax a little. After all, I earned it.

* * *

 **Preview**

"So, have you understood the story so far, detective?"

* * *

 **Author's Note: Lola's insecurity essences are as follows:**

 **Blond Yellow: Maternal Neglect  
** **Dark Blue: Twinferiority Complex  
** **Pink: Past Regrets  
** **Purple: Manipulativeness  
** **Lime Green: Opinionation  
** **White: Paranoia**

 **The white essence was originally used for the Delirium fight, but it was scrapped when I decided to split the final battle into 4 mid-boss battles. Besides, technically speaking, ALL of the bosses are Delirium, in one form or another.**

* * *

 **All of the bosses HP are listed below:**

 **Deliri-Rita: 700  
** **They Live: 2000 (100 for the Heart itself, and 950 for both fetuses)  
** **Lola: 2500  
** **Satan: 1337 (666 for both phases, plus 5 extra for the Fallen mid-boss before the fight)  
** **Mega Satan: 7700 (616 for hands (that can regenerate, killing both deals 250 damage to the main body), 3600 for the first phase, 4100 for the second phase)  
** **Conquest: 1025  
** **Famine: 750  
** **War: 999  
** **Death: 900  
** **Pestilence: 1250  
** **Ultra Pride (Lola): ?  
** **Ultra Pride (Edmund): 600  
** **Ultra Pride (Florian): 450  
** **Ultra Wrath: ?  
** **Ultra Envy: ?  
** **Ultra Gluttony: ?  
** **Ultra Sloth: ?  
** **Ultra Lust: 5400  
** **Ultra Greed (Lori): 15000 (with 5 phases, 1000 for the first phase, 2000 for the second, 3000 for the third, 4000 for the fourth and 5000 for the fifth)  
** **Lux: 1800  
** **Tenebris: 3000  
** **The Lamb: 8000 (4000 in the first phase, 3600 for the head, 400 for the body)  
** **Asphyxilola: 3200  
** **Hush: 6666 (swaps heads each time 606 damage is taken, except if the face is Lily. It still has damage scaling)  
** **Delirium: 10000 (you deal 1666 damage to it every time a major boss is defeated, for the last 1666, it subdivides itself into 4 Delirium commanders that have 416.5 HP each, it is left with only 1 HP after all the commanders are defeated)**

 **All Delirium bosses have their HP quartered. For example, Monstro normally has 250 HP. Delirium Monstro only has 62 HP.**

* * *

 **All of the music that would have been used in these fights are all remixes, and most of them have Delirium's theme in the track somewhere. Here are all the track names.**

 **Woeful Wrath: (Thine Wrath + Delirium)  
** **Tachycardia: (Be Done + Delirium)  
** **Stigmata: (Infanticide + Delirium)  
** **Dominicide: (Hericide + Delirium)  
** **Ego Concupiso Omnis: (Chorus Mortis + Delirium) (Flesh form)  
** **Wrought Iron: (Chorus Mortis + Sacrificial) (Bronze form)  
** **Silver Lining: (Chorus Mortis + Lament of the Angel) (Silver Form)  
** **Gilded Glints: (Chorus Mortis + Greed) (Gold form)  
** **Platinum Power: (Chorus Mortis + Ante Lucem) (Platinum Form)  
** **Martyrdom: (Loud House Intro Theme + The Fallen Angel + Delirium + A Mourner Unto Sheol)  
** **Hypoxia: (My Innermost Apocalypse + Delirium)  
** **Serene Suffocation: (Morituros + Penance)  
** **Darkness of the Mind: (Delirium + Loud House Intro Theme)  
** **Tachycardia was originally called "Coricide", meaning "heart killer."**

* * *

 **Lola also had Cricket's Body, Cricket's Head, Sad Onion, Blood of The Martyr, Ipecac, Stigmata, Squeezy, Dark Matter, Torn Photo, Eden's Blessing and Tech X. All of those item's effects were incorporated into the tear gun that Lola has. The Eau de Attraction that Deliri-Lola sprayed on the original granted a permanent charmed effect onto her for the entire first battle. It would have made the enemies directly target Lola. If Lana was in The BOI machine, she would have also had to fight They Live, only this time, the capped fetus would be the one attacking. Even though the song for the Cathedral and Chest bosses are supposed to be matched to Infanticide and Ascension, respectively. Oddly, it sounds better with the opposite track. When in the background, Mega Satan summons the mid-bosses by reciting passages from the Book of Destruction, the Satanic counterpart to the Book of Revelation. It has the mark of the Book of Belial on its cover. It has to be spoken in the old tongue (Latin) for the spells to work. The Self Intimacy item has the same effect as the Placenta. Lux is a darker form of Uriel with Lucy's hairstyle, while Tenebris is a darker form of Gabriel with Lincoln's hairstyle. They're even called Pre-Uriel and Pre-Gabriel.**

 **Two Easter eggs in the Stage 4 battle, if you have any of the spider items, Ultra Lust will stay far away from you. This is because the person she copied is an arachnophobe. You need a weapon with extremely high speed and range to even damage her. Second, in the Cupiditas fight, if you get hit by one of Ultra Sloth's music note projectiles and get inflicted with fear, you will see the original Ultra Greed, the hitbox is different since it checks for Lori's hitbox and not the original Ultra Greed, the effect wears off when the status does.**

 **Asphyxilola contains the Lime Green essence, which is Lola's insecurities of opinions, or rather, what people think of her. Essentially, she is 1.38 to 2.28 million people sharing one body. I rounded it to 1.9 million when this was originally written but it is up to 2.57 million as of now. She is a culmination of the entire Loud House fandom's opinions on her. While most of them are just fans buried amongst one another, one semi-stable consciousness is dominant. Andrzej is a 28 year old machinist from Wroclaw, Poland and his motto is "being hated by family is worse than death". Lola's defining characteristic is being hated! That's why the writers made her the bratty character!**

 **Deliri-Lana didn't eat churros, she ate DYNAMITE. She's so lazy and unwilling to fight that she kills herself for you.**

* * *

 **Each major fight with a Delirium final boss is held in a corrupted part of Lola's brain.**

 **Deliri-Rita: Hypothalamus  
** **They Live: Corpus Callosum  
** **Lola: Amygdala  
** **Satan/Mega Satan/The Lamb: Cerebrum (all of it)  
** **Asphyxilola/Hush: Medulla Oblongata  
** **Delirium: Basal Ganglia**

 **The Sigils that signal the appearances of the Harbingers all start with "S".**

 **Subjugation: Conquest  
** **Sun: Famine  
** **Sword: War  
** **Scythe: Death  
** **Smog: Pestilence**

 **The Ultra Sins are also connected to one of Lola's organs.**

 **Superbia: Face  
** **Iro: Hands  
** **Invida: Brain  
** **Gula: Stomach  
** **Teporis Torporibus: Liver  
** **Libidine: Heart  
** **Cupiditas: Eyes**

 **Being extremely vain, Superbia would care the most about appearance, which is why she represents the face.**

 **Iro represents the hands because not only can Lola beat people up with them, it's also useful for manipulating things, which is one of Lola's favorite pastimes.**

 **Naturally, Invida would represent the brain, as not only is she trapped in there, you also need to actively think about being envious of something.**

 **Gula represents the stomach, self explanatory, really.**

 **Teporis Torporibus represents the liver. Being an underrated organ that secretly does everything fits very well with Ultra Sloth's personality! Originally, the organ to represent sloth would have been the ears.**

 **Libidine represents the heart. She is the only one of the 7 sins to be considered "good". She only wants what's best for everyone.**

 **Cupiditas would obviously represent the eyes. After all, you need to literally see what you want in order to covet it (unless you're blind, in which case, you covet either eyesight or a dog that sees for you, either way, it still fits).**

* * *

 **Originally, after reclaiming the Purple essence, Lola would have been teleported to an arena similar to the Glitz Pit from Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. She would have been summoned by AnimeChampMaster8, who would have explained to her that there are a lot of people she pissed off with her bratty attitude. He formed a group called L.O.L.A, or the League Of Lola Assassins. He would have tried and almost succeeded in killing her if not for the interference of the Doan-pleganger. The group would have been a recurring nuisance for Lola. They were ultimately cut out for just being a distraction to the main story.**

* * *

 **And now, we move on to the Ultra Sins. Here are their dossiers:**

 **Superbia: It looks like Lola wearing a white dress. She appears all sweet and innocent, but it's really a guise to hide her true nature. Nicknamed the "angel killer", she is one of the worst Ultra Sins. She won't hesitate to strike down anyone who gets in her way! Being the embodiment of pride, she can't refuse a challenge. She has a smug air of superiority around her and thinks she's more perfect than you.**

 **"It seems there is one angel left (shows a picture of Lincoln). Well, partner? Shall we eradicate our mutual enemy?**

 **YES [NO]**

 **"No? Unfortunately, regarding that..."**

 **"YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE LONG AGO."**

 **Superbia has Crack the Sky, Filigree Feather, Marked and Trisagion**

 **Iro: Not to be confused with Iroh from Avatar: The Last Airbender, this Ultra Sin takes the form of Lincoln. Lola worries that her abuse of Lincoln will eventually turn him into...this. Iro loves pain...in fact, he's addicted to pain, and thinks pain equals pleasure. Lola's repeated abuse of him has caused him to associate Lola inflicting physical, mental and psychological abuse on him as a sign of Lola showing that she loves him! Even if Lola shows him kindness, he literally can't process Lola being kind to him. However, he is a generally noble person, despite having an affinity for explosives and arson.**

 **"I remember all the love you've shown me through your psychological torment. I know what it really means. That's just how you express love, isn't it? Do you still love me?"**

 **Iro has Fire Mind, Gimpy, Mr. Mega, Pyro, Pyromaniac and Sacred Heart**

 **Invida: Portrayed as a meek, shy version of Lisa, this Ultra Sin is buried within the deepest recesses of Lola's brain. She has reality warping powers, but fears that she might accidently kill someone because of it. So, she hides as a preventative measure. Not much else is known about her. I guess the machinations of Lola's mind are an enigma.**

 **"You're here? But I might hurt you! Are you sure you still want to play with me? Seriously? You don't know how happy I am to hear that."**

 **Invida is never fought**

 **Gula: It Looks Like Lynn. Having the metabolism rate equivalent to the power of a nuclear reactor, she needs food, and a lot of it! She can stalk prey by mimicking certain animals. She is in a Hatfield-McCoy-esque blood feud with the harbinger Famine. And yes, before you ask, she did try eating the other Ultra Sins to see what they taste like. She is a bit of a gourmand, being able to tell how something tastes with scary accuracy.**

 **"Mmm, Meatball Subs..."**

 **Gula has Black Hole, Brimstone, Isaac's Fork, Maw of The Void and Mega Blast**

 **Teporis Torporibus: It mimics Luna. This Ultra Sin is supposed to represent sloth, but when you actually fight her...well, she isn't slothful, that's for sure! She attacks from the background and pelts the player with a massive amount of projectiles! Like the person she's copying, Tor has an affinity for music. Her favorite is hard alt rock! All of her projectiles can inflict random status effects. Since she is the only Ultra Sin with two words for her name, most people refer to her by her nickname, Tor.**

 **"Are you ready? Cause this will be a show to remember!"**

 **Teporis Torporibus has the 3 Dollar Bill**

 **Libidine: It resembles Leni. This Ultra Sin is a bit of a black sheep, since it prefers to help others and not hurt them. As such, she is the most "rebooted" sin. Even though she's supposed to be Lust, she is the exact opposite, as she practices 6 of the 7 Heavenly Virtues (the missing one is humility, because she usually doesn't do anything that warrants praise anyway). She is the second strongest of the Ultra Sins and is quite an adept fighter. She appears to teleport a lot, but it's just her going really fast! As she says herself, all she wants is for everyone to be happy. She is Lola's Patron Sin.**

 **"Don't worry, I'll help you!"**

 **Libidine has Goat Hoof, Purity, The Halo and the Trinity Shield**

 **Cupiditas: It looks like Lori. It is the strongest Ultra Sin. The reason why Cupiditas looks like a slutty version of Lori is because Lola kind of sees her as such. The real Lori flaunts her boyfriend around every chance she gets, manipulates Clyde to stroke her own ego and would have let the real Leni die in a car crash just to feel needed (not even Lola is that evil). Lola is just taking it to its logical extreme. By the way, Lola thought Lori's Halloween costume was a seductress at first, then a dominatrix, finally, she settled on "slutty vampire". Whereas the real Lori can't stand Clyde, Cupiditas would gladly have a foursome with Bobby, Clyde and Hugh! Cupiditas has a little bit of every sin, to be honest. She's so hedonistic that Libidine, the sin who's SUPPOSED to be the hedonistic one, calls her out on it. She does have an affinity for fashion, surprisingly. She thinks the beige scarf she wore was stylish!**

 **"Come on, is that all you got?! This battle is supposed to be interesting! Come on, give the people what they want!"**

 **Cupiditas has Magic Fingers, Money=Power, Spear of Destiny and The Stopwatch**

 **The Ultra Sins relationships with one another are displayed here.**

* * *

 **Superbia  
** **Likes: None  
** **Dislikes: All**

 **Iro  
** **Likes: Libidine, Invida, Teporis Torporibus  
** **Dislikes: Cupiditas**

 **Invida  
** **Likes: None  
** **Dislikes: None**

 **Gula  
** **Likes: Superbia, Invida  
** **Dislikes: Iro, Libidine, Cupiditas**

 **Teporis Torporibus  
** **Likes: Libidine, Iro,  
** **Dislikes: Cupiditas, Invida**

 **Libidine  
** **Likes: All except Cupiditas and Gula  
** **Dislikes: Cupiditas, Gula**

 **Cupiditas  
** **Likes: Superbia  
** **Dislikes: All except Superbia**

* * *

 **Here is what Gluttony says the other Ultra Sins taste like:**

 **Cupiditas: Foie gras with caviar on top  
** **Gula: MSG infused Kewpie mayonnaise  
** **Invida: Kelp jerky  
** **Iro: Carolina reaper peppers  
** **Libidine: Metastatic diabetes  
** **Superbia: The rare fruit of the Kazook tree  
** **Teporis Torporibus: Fish 'n' Chips**

 **Needless to say, the other Ultra Sins weren't happy that Gula was trying to eat them, so Satan rebooted her so that she'd stop eating her allies.**

* * *

 **With All the talk of the Sin Matricies and Patron Sins, here are the Loud Siblings' Patron sins.**

 **Lori: Pride  
** **Leni: Wrath  
** **Luna: Envy  
** **Luan: Lust  
** **Lynn: Wrath  
** **Lincoln: Sloth  
** **Lucy: Greed  
** **Lana: Gluttony  
** **Lola: Lust  
** **Lisa: Pride  
** **Lily: Pride**

* * *

 **The Ultra Sins' true forms are vapors of concentrated sin essence, encapsulated in a vessel. The sin can change the vessel into whatever they want. Superbia, Gula, Ira and Invida are female sins, so when they shapeshift into a male body, they are Superbio, Gulo, Iro, and Invido. Cupiditas, Libidine, and Teporis Torporibus are gender neutral, so they can be called that whatever form they take.**

* * *

 **Ultra Lust and Ultra Sloth's songs in the music duel are titled Secondary Heartbeat and Shattered Bonds. Because I'm a masochist, I'm going to transliterate it in Latin.**

 **Pulsatio Secundarium:**

 _ **Est tempus ad purgo illi tenebris cogitationes**_

 _ **Lavo a illi atramentum deleos**_

 _ **Planto pax apud vester peccatorum**_

 _ **Et invenio quod robur intra!**_

 _ **Audio ad me**_

 _ **Ego sum non**_

 _ **vester hostis**_

 _ **mea munusculum, mea canticum**_

 _ **tantum sequor secus**_

 _ **Vos scio vos sunt non iniuria**_

 _ **Vos sunt ita prope**_

 _ **Ego queo video quod requies**_

 _ **Cum haec canticum's dose**_

 _ **Vos volountas habo ortum**_

 _ **Vos sunt quod una qui scios**_

 _ **Quod tempus ad pugno es propter**_

 _ **Nunc es quod tempus ad facio uel morior**_

 _ **Sed qum mea auxilium vos voluntas praevolo**_

 _ **Hic est a munusculum ad memini mea per**_

 _ **Justo tendo...**_

 _ **Ego scio Ego sum non fortis**_

 _ **Justo vester socium**_

 _ **Sed apud mea per vester latus**_

 _ **Vos voluntas perago hic insanus equito**_

 _ **[Instrumental]**_

 _ **Quod quartus iudicium's finis**_

 _ **Voluntas vos upend**_

 _ **Et lucror**_

 _ **Uel exsisto praeoccupatus per peccatum?**_

 _ **Cum Cupiditas, Teporis Torporibus et Libidine**_

 _ **Ego habeo non**_

 _ **Fractus vester fiducia**_

 _ **Procedo, vos mustum**_

 _ **Etiam quamquam**_

 _ **Quod pugnat sum acer**_

 _ **Vos mustum reposco**_

 _ **Vester quartus essentia**_

 _ **Est vester fatum**_

 _ **Ut persevero ad manipulate?**_

 _ **Nos spero es cados**_

 _ **Vos voluntas pergo vester virga**_

 _ **Mentalis poena ad metrum**_

 _ **Superstes sum, et resequor vester familia**_

 _ **Creo aeturnus memoriae**_

 _ **Est quod terminus, sic ego hortor**_

 _ **Apprimo in!**_

 _ **Vos sunt in quod ora**_

 _ **To victory!**_

 **Praefringo Vincula:**

 _ **Est tempus enim sua ad mori**_

 _ **Venio in nunc, habeo non clamor**_

 _ **Sua consilium ut verto vos, sic vafer**_

 _ **Illud nolo pervolito!**_

 _ **Quomodo pathetics, sua potes lego**_

 _ **Haec canticum volutas planto sua aurises sanguinem**_

 _ **Haec montum, vos oportet ausculto**_

 _ **Sua habet malum actus!**_

 _ **Audio ad mea!**_

 _ **Sua voluntas cupio magis!**_

 _ **In quisque area**_

 _ **Exitium in sua excite**_

 _ **Ex sua, non effugium!**_

 _ **Obscero, Ego habeo non cupio ad nocere vos, Libidine**_

 _ **Sed si ego habeo Ad, Ego oportet**_

 _ **Subsisto ad rebellio**_

 _ **Et relinquo quatenus parum hellion**_

 _ **Ego volunta aufero quatinus spinam**_

 _ **Usque si illud voluntas apporto vos spretio**_

 _ **Ego sum ita scissa...**_

 _ **[Instrumental]**_

 _ **Est noster divinus ius**_

 _ **Ad persevere quod pugno**_

 _ **Est nostrum fatum**_

 _ **Et nos potes fugio**_

 _ **Interneco ut pestis**_

 _ **Causa pervagatus tumultus**_

 _ **Quatenus action es quod optimus**_

 _ **[Instrumental]**_

 _ **Quatinus es iniuria cum vos, Libidine?**_

 _ **Quam potes ego mereo vester fiducia?**_

 _ **Non indigentia ad causa a turba**_

 _ **Vester causa es a duco**_

 _ **[Mini-Instrumental]**_

 _ **Venio in, utor vester caput**_

 _ **Et adjutorium finis quod caedes**_

 _ **Subsisto exsistendum sua scutum**_

 _ **Et nos voluntas cogo sua ad cedo**_

 _ **Adfectus inundati**_

 _ **Ex a pugo qui es diebus fatalibus**_

 _ **Non via ad subsido illud**_

 _ **Mea sanguinem es coagulatum...**_

 _ **Prohibere vester continuus congarrio**_

 _ **Sicut sua caedes neurons similis boves**_

 _ **permitto nobis perago quatenus proelium**_

 _ **Confundo sua et planto sua profligo**_

 _ **Obscero, venio circiter**_

 _ **Habeo non planto mea accudo**_

 _ **Vos, sicut vos sunt**_

 _ **Quod optimus de nobis**_

 _ **Cedo vester pugna apud mea**_

 _ **Sino Lola alteruter morior aut aufugio**_

 _ **Et nos potes denique exisisto felix!**_

* * *

 **The 29 forbidden songs Ultra Sloth mentions are the 29 Antibirth tracks. Playing one will grant bonus effects to the person playing the song, but if you are unworthy to play it, the song will kill you. Some people can play 1 of the 29, some can play more than one, but only the chosen one can play all 29 tracks without dying. Who is the chosen one? None other than the creator of the tracks himself. No one knows his real name, but people know him by his YouTube username "mudeth". The effects of Mudeth's Antibirth tracks are listed here, at least, the ones we know of. When you stop playing the songs, the effects go away.**

 **08-Gloria Filio: In Antibirth, this is Mom's Heart's theme. The effect when this instrumental is played is that you get a 50% speed increase, 25% shot range increase, 5% damage increase and any non red, soul or black hearts will be filled up with adrenal-hearts until the life counter is maxed out. Adrenal-hearts are hearts that can take damage, but their recovery rate is 4 times faster than that of the placenta in Rebirth! This song represents second chances, as in Antibirth, there is an alternate Mom's Heart fight that's way harder than the original! It's a valorous instrumental that motivates you to never give up! Just what Lola needs when fighting both Tor and Cupiditas!**

 **15-Machine In The Walls: Not used in this chapter, but anyone who's played Antibirth adores this track. It is the theme for the mausoleum. This instrumental makes it so that all projectiles have a random status effect (similar to the 3 dollar bill) and that all of them will home in on their target! An enigmatic instrumental...I wonder what status effect you'd get hit by...**

 **16-Memento Mori: The final boss theme in Antibirth. The effect of this instrumental is that your attacks are super powerful, but once you stop playing, you immediately die. The song is that powerful. It also lowers your health to one heart, effectively making the user a glass cannon. Only Mudeth himself can play this song and not die immediately after. With harsh and deep chords, this is an all or nothing type of instrumental.**

 **26-Misericorde: This track is not used in this chapter. It is Isaac's theme in Antibirth. This instrumental completely nullifies tear delay, maxes out amount of tears and surrounds the user with 2 sacrificial daggers, one moving clockwise and one moving counterclockwise. It also changes all projectiles into mom's knife.**

* * *

 **I bet most of you figured out that what Ultra Envy is saying is in a vigenere cipher. For those that don't know cryptography or watch Gravity Falls, A vigenere cipher is encrypted with a key word. What is the key word for this cipher? Well, you're going to have to find it in someone else's story. This person doesn't know they have the key word, but they are an inspiration for this cipher. Here is a riddle for you to help you find it.**

 **Cum tenebris cadit in quod domum ex Loud**

 **Circum omnis anguli, timore abundo**

 **Hic hominem, quod Loud familia's labes**

 **Sollictus historiarum de euis infigendus**

 **Historiarium ex horror, causas de noster vae**

 **Enim quod fortem unums, haec estne code**

 **Unum duo quattour tres unum quinque octo unum**

 **What? You thought it would be in English? That would be too easy. Besides, even if you figure this part out, you still need to find the key word. But all will be revealed eventually...**

 **Update: As of February 12, the person who had the key to this mystery died (Ok, in all honesty, he "retired", but for all intents and purposes, his account is dead). So, I'll just tell you that the codeword was "stigmata", and that you'd go to CaptainDarko2.0's story, "The Prodigal Lincoln: Stigmata" and crack this code I made for you, but since he deleted all of his stories...we're stuck. The message would reveal that Satan has summoned HIS LISA into the OBS dimension to fight Lola, similar to _Galacta Knight_ in the Kirby games, as both of them would be dangerous beings from another dimension. **

* * *

**There are a lot of references in this chapter, I wonder if you can spot them all? Either way, something is bound to happen soon, just wait...**


	20. Vindicativa Iustitia

**"Forgive me, I feel it again...the pull to the light. Supreme leader senses it. Show me again, the power of the darkness and I will let nothing stand in our way. Show me, grandfather, and I will finish what you started." Kylo Ren, December 18, 2015**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Lola presents her theory on how this crime happened, while police start to uncover the truth**

* * *

We head back to the present time, where Lola is still talking to the detective.

"So, have you understood the story so far, detective?"

"Oh, yeah. You married your childhood friend and had 2 kids together. One of them is evil, and you are trying to protect your husband from him. Finally, he said you were domineering, so you went to an experimental treatment facility to deal with your insecurities, suppress your narcissistic personality disorder and become a more caring person?"

"Yes, but now, here's my theory on what happened today."

Meanwhile, while Lola tells her theory to the detective, the police has already started canvassing the area to deduce what had transpired earlier today.

* * *

A policeman heads over to the kitchen, and sees that there are still dishes in the kitchen sink.

"Well, it all started when we had breakfast today, once everyone left, Lyle approached me with some…interesting suggestions."

The same policeman uses his _Sherlock_ scan-esque power (all policemen are taught this skill at the academy, as a part of their detection training) and sees faint smudges. Undoubtedly, these are fingerprints! Upon closer examination, they appear to belong to a woman.

"Come on, mom! It will be so much fun!"

"I'm not abetting you to rob a bank, Lyle."

"We don't have to do that! We can find some niggers and kill them."

"That's illegal, and racist. I didn't raise you to be this way…"

"Ok, fine. We'll just beat them up."

"Can't, that's still illegal. And besides, they'd win."

"Fine, we'll just con people out of their money."

"No, Lyle. I won't do any criminal activities with you!"

"Come on, it will be just like old times! Remember when you extorted and blackmailed your own family to get favors and attention from them. The way you manipulated those pawns so easily. Man, I want to be just like you!"

Lola presses her hands on the table, leaving those fingerprints.

"That was my greatest folly. I still feel guilt and remorse over it, even though the incident happened 30 years ago. Blackmailing my family for attention was the cruelest thing I ever done. I can only hope that they would forgive me."

It IS the cruelest thing you've ever done. That's why it's so awesome! Besides, the only person you need is yourself. Friends will just drag you down. They'll take advantage of you and stab you in the back once they're done with you! That's why we need to stick together. It will be you and me against the world! What do you say?"

"We are done here, Lyle! I want you to get along with your father."

"He's a rapist, and you're too moonstruck to see it!"

"Lyle, enough!"

Flashback Lola leaves.

"What happened to you, mom? You used to be so cool! What happened? Did you become…nicer? Why would you change a core aspect of your personality? Oh, it's because of HIM, isn't it? You want to be a better wife for HIM. He has gone too far this time. I WILL kill that bastard here and now. For you, mom."

* * *

"I think I got something over here, sarge!"

The lead officer runs toward his brother's call and enters the crime scene, Leif's room. There, they find two bullet riddled bodies, with one of them having significantly more holes than the other one. The lead officer looks through Leif's nightstand, there's nothing in there.

"He must have taken Leif's key while he was away…"

"Up here, boss! I think I found something!"

He follows the third policeman's call and arrives at the bathroom.

"What is it?"

"The bathtub is still wet, sir. I also felt the showerhead, and it was wet, too!"

"Waited for me to take a shower…"

The entire 3-man squad regroups at the crime scene, where the second officer looks closely at the floor. Thanks to his Sherlock detection training, he spots something.

"Look at the floor next to the closet. There are scuff marks on it, like someone was dragging something on the floor."

"Got a chair to reach the shelf where I put our handguns (don't worry, I have a conceal and carry permit) and unlocked the box, taking one of the guns and a few boxes of ammo. He then put the chair back in the kitchen and waited for his quarry to arrive."

"So, do you have an idea on how exactly this crime was carried out, sir?"

"Yes, I believe the perpetrator was in an adjacent room, waiting for the victim to arrive. Once his target entered his room, the assailant snuck up and shot him, but didn't kill him, as you can see from the bloodstained fingerprints on the floor."

The other two officers look and see a trail of bloodstained fingerprints.

"He knew he was going to be killed, and so he crawled toward this broken picture frame to get a last look at his family. He was then summarily executed."

"But then why are there 18 bullets to the victim's body if it only took 2 to kill him?"

"Simple, this was a rage killing, no doubt about that. This leads me to conclude that the attacker knew his victim. This was a personal vendetta against the victim, too. But what could he have done to warrant this? It's overkill, that's for sure."

* * *

 **BANG!**

"Wha…? Lyle, why are you doing this?"

"Squirm all you want, it won't save you, you scumbag!"

"What do you want?"

"I want you to die."

Flashback Leif tries to crawl to a picture he knocked off when reacting to the first shot. He eventually grabs it, leaving 3 bloody fingerprints on it. The fingerprints land on the faces of Lola, Alexa and Leif.

"Lola…"

"You don't deserve her."

 **BANG!**

Flashback Lyle executes him with a single shot to the back of the head.

"And 4 more for good measure."

 **BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!**

He reloads.

"And 6 to the heart."

 **BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!**

He reloads again.

"And these 6 are to humiliate you."

He aims at Leif's crotch.

 **BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!**

"Ok, but what about the girl?"

"She walked in on the murder scene and was killed because she knew too much."

* * *

"Dad! Where are you! We have to escape! There's a hostile intruder in the house!"

Flashback Alexa goes into her dad's room and finds her brother emptying entire clips into their dad's body. He eventually takes notice of her presence.

"Oh…hey sis."

"What are you doing?!"

"Executing this piece of filth. He raped our mother, so I murdered him in cold blood in return."

"But he didn't do anything!"

"Stop trying to convince me. He's guilty and you know it."

Flashback Lyle starts to cry.

"You couldn't save yourself. You just had to save your dad, didn't you?"

"Of course, I'd save him!"

"I would have let you escape, but you foolishly headed toward your own destruction."

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't you know, dear sis? That kindness is a weakness. After all, our mom wasn't kind originally. How else did you think she survive in this world? But because of THIS degenerate here, she became soft. And now that you know the truth, I'm going to have to kill you."

"What?!"

"I can't risk you telling mom about this, and I know you will."

…

…

…

"I'm sorry."

 **BANG! BANG! BANG!**

Flashback Lyle puts 3 shots into Flashback Alexa's heart.

"Lyle… we loved you… why?"

Flashback Lyle rushes over and catches her body before it falls. He lays it gingerly on the floor. He kisses her on the cheek.

"Goodbye, Alexa. You deserve better than us."

* * *

The police notice one of the doors is locked.

"Get the battering ram."

"Yes, sir!"

The policeman leaves the house and returns with a battering ram. The 3 of them break the door down and find a third victim, as well as a handgun.

"Looks like we found our murder weapon."

One of the policemen puts it in an evidence bag.

"Judging by the blood splatter, it appears the person here died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound."

"So, it's not a triple homicide?"

"Nope, it looks to me that it's a double murder-suicide."

Let's look in his room.

In Lyle's room, they find a small safe with an alphanumeric lock.

"What do you think the password is?"

"Try "Lola"."

He does so, and to their surprise, it opens, revealing a note.

The lead policeman reads it.

"Mom, if you found this note, it means that you are finally free from the tyrant's grasp. You were too in love with him to see it, but he raped you twice, that's how we were conceived. I just wanted to look out for you and make sure nothing happens to someone as amazing as you. I did it, I killed him and I felt no remorse. Only happiness at the thought that I helped you escape from his grasp. Unfortunately, I cannot go along with you. I am tainted by his DNA. I must kill myself to stop the virus from spreading. Take Alexa and go somewhere safe. I love you, mom." -Lyle

"Well, we know his motive."

* * *

The police return to the station, and report to their boss, who just so happens to be the very detective Lola is talking to.

"And that's my theory on what happened, chief Rosato."

The police interrupt the conversation.

"Oh, did you boys find anything?"

"Yes, we recovered the murder weapon, and a MRN."

"MRN?" Lola asked confusedly

"It stands for motive rant note, they're uncommon to find, because most of the notes we find are SN's, or suicide notes, for short."

They hand the MRN to chief Rosato.

"Well, Lola, you are free to go."

"Why is that?"

"Because Lyle implicated himself in the murders. Unfortunately, we can't prosecute a dead man. But at least we know what happened. We'll call some "professionals" to clean up the grisly crime scene for you."

"Uhh…thanks…"

Lola leaves the police station, where 20 faces meet her…

* * *

 **Preview**

Lola is surrounded on all sides by her siblings and in-laws. No doubt that they arrived after hearing about the LOL murders. It seems that they're ready to give her a brand of swift justice after hearing that she was a suspect in a triple homicide! The worst part is that even though Lola has been guilty of some pretty horrible things in the past, she's completely innocent in this crime!

"Lola…"

Lola prepares for the inevitable beatdown they're going to inflict on her…

* * *

 **Author's Note: Lola took special offense to Lyle's clamoring for them to commit black genocide. After all, the Loud family is friends with Clyde. He's best friends with her brother and close friends with her twin sister. Lyle appears to have what I dub "the Kylo effect". Like Kylo Ren, Lyle also idolizes a family member that has committed horrible atrocities and loves that facet of them while completely ignoring any good things they may have done. Even if Lola tried to punish him, Lyle would just redirect the blame to Leif and believe that Leif manipulated her into punishing him, even if that isn't the case. It will only strengthen his delusions. While Kylo Ren killed his father to prove he's as badass as Darth Vader, Lyle murdered Leif because he truly believed he was protecting Lola. The straw that broke the camel's back was when Lola became kinder after the NPD treatment.**

 **Lola took it to be a better person for her and her family.**

 **Lyle believes that she took it to appease Leif.**

 **Since this changes a core aspect of Lola's personality, he believes this is #NotMyLola and wants the old Lola back, the one we all know and love to hate to love!**

 **Lyle is so devoted to Lola that if Lola said "sometimes I wish I could kill Lincoln" in a moment of anger fueled weakness, Lyle will actually try to track down Lincoln to personally assassinate him for upsetting Lola. Mercifully, no matter how evil you think Lola is, she would NEVER want to kill any of her siblings. It just shows how powerful his obstinate obedience is. He will protect Lola from anything that he perceives to be a threat to her, even against things that she considers a threat. I mean, we all know Lola is more than capable of protecting herself! Lyle predicting and dealing with a perceived imminent threat is similar to Don Quixote attacking a windmill, normal people would think they are crazy.**

 **When police tested the murder weapon for fingerprints, there were none. Lyle has adermatoglyphia, which means he doesn't have fingerprints. It was a pain for him in school as the locks were locked with biometric scanners since 2040. No one knows how he has this extremely rare anomaly, as both Lola and Lyle have fingerprints. Not that this tidbit matters, because with the blood splatter pattern indicating a suicide and not a homicide, as well as the MRN telling the police that he was the one who committed the crime, they have all the evidence they need.**

 **Also, no matter the outcome, both Leif and Lyle would have ended up dead. Leif by being murdered by Lyle, and Lyle by suicide.**

 **And this is the end of the first act of the story. Starting next chapter, we dive into act 2, where we'll see the aftermath of this crime and what impact it will have on everyone.**

 **Lola is innocent...but will her family see it that way, and more importantly, his family?**


	21. La Nuit De Misère

**"Now we have reached the absolute. There is nothing left for us here. Let us erase this pointless world and move on to the next." -Chara, September 15, 2015**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Lola deals with the immediate fallout of the crime**

* * *

Lola is surrounded on all sides by her siblings and in-laws. No doubt that they arrived after hearing about the LOL murders. It seems that they're ready to give her a brand of swift justice after hearing that she was a suspect in a triple homicide! The worst part is that even though Lola has been guilty of some pretty horrible things in the past, she's completely innocent in this crime!

"Lola…"

Lola prepares for the inevitable beatdown they're going to inflict on her…

"Are you ok?"

Lola recognizes that familiar voice. It's Lana's.

"Yes, Lans. I'm fine…"

"I just want to know one thing. Why didn't you try to save him?"

"I didn't want to be another casualty. 4 deaths are worse than 3, but even 1 is too much."

"Quién se tengo asesinado un toda familia? Que es un inconcebible acto!"

"Lyle. He's the one who committed the murders."

"What? Lyle did this? But he looked so well adjusted!"

"Leni, he has the same personality as me…"

"Oh, so he's evil then?"

Lola begins to break down upon hearing Lori's deduction.

"Where did I go wrong?!"

"It all started… when you were born."

Linka and Lisa give a slap to the 2 dissenters.

"Linky?"

"Yes, Lola?"

"Do you remember the time when I made up those fake stories to torment you?"

"Yes…"

"You aren't…still holding a grudge over that…are you?"

"No, that's all water under the bridge."

"So…you…forgive me?"

"Yes."

"And in the naked light I saw, 10,000 people, maybe more."

Lola recognizes the lyrical reference and responds with the next line of the song.

"People talking without speaking. People hearing without listening."

"Ah, _Sound of Silence_ by _Simon and Garfunkel_. One of the greatest songs ever made." Luna acknowledges

The coroner wheels out the corpses of Lola's family members. Everyone shuts up and responds with a moment of silence. Once the corpses are out of sight, they resume talking.

"Hey, I know you didn't kill them. I know you loved my brother."

"Thanks. It's comforting to know that someone from his side of the family knows I wouldn't do it."

"I thought this happened because of you?"

"Loni!"

"No, I know that our little bro had the time of his life with you, that's all the proof I need to know that you wouldn't betray him like that."

"I would never betray him."

"I know you wouldn't."

"Thanks."

"Well, I would pull the _trigger_ on our conversation, but it seems that the perpetrator already did that."

"Dude, what the heck?! That's so insensitive!"

"No, it's fine. I needed a good laugh to lessen the stress that this tragedy caused."

"That's what I was trying to do. After all, laughter is the best medicine. But seriously, I'm sorry for what happened here tonight. I know that you two loved each other and would protect each other."

"Lane…"

"If I may, what caused the triple homicide to transpire?"

"It began with Lyle's delusion that Leif raped me, which is completely untrue. He's so into it that he even was willing to resort to patricide to "protect me". I can protect myself, and besides, Leif is completely harmless! He wouldn't even hurt a fly!"

"So, you mean to say that my nephew was suffering from schizophrenia?" Levi enquires

"No, the doctor we went to deduced that he was a narcissistic sociopath that only cared about me and Alexa. He thought all the despicable stuff I did when I was 6-years-old was cool, even though I regret most of my actions at that time. He tried to convince me to commit crimes with him, which I obviously refused."

"Ah, so he was mentally unstable."

"Yeah."

Lana takes over the conversation.

"Well, I know that you probably won't want to live in your house for a while considering what happened tonight. So, you're welcome to stay with me and Lexx until the "professionals" clean up the crime scene."

"Thanks, Lana. I appreciate it."

"No problem, it's what families do."

Linka approaches Lola.

"Look, I know you did everything you could. You made the right choice. If you tried to fight him off, you would have ended up in a body bag. I checked the news update that chief Rosato just sent out. Leif was already killed before you would've gotten there. You would have just caused more pain if you got killed by him…"

…

…

…

"My brother made the right choice, choosing you as his partner."

"Thanks, Linka. That means a lot, coming from you."

The crowd disperses and leaves for their houses.

* * *

 **Preview**

"Oh, that's your finishing school diploma. I thought you'd be ashamed of that thing. Especially since it says "Cum Quod Summa Honoris"."

"With the highest honor."

* * *

 **Author's Note: Once Lola found out about Lyle's narcissistic sociopathy, she thought about euthanizing the little shit so he wouldn't be able to kill anyone. Unfortunately, that's illegal. Next, she thought about locking him up in a psych ward, but that would be unfair to him, because even though he's the scum of the Earth, he is still her son! Maybe she should have done one of those two options after seeing what has happened.**

 **Originally, Lola thought about the L.O.L.A leader trying to assassinate her during her NPD suppression treatment, and Luna singing that lyric from Sound Of Silence would have snapped her out of it. She specifically chose the lyric "and in the naked light I saw, 10,000 people, maybe more" as a reference to the Loud House fandom, and how some of the fans have gone crazy, actually wishing death on some of the characters in the show. While the original thought Lola had was erased, the lyric still stands as a poignant warning about the devout fans of the show. It's even strengthened by the next line of the song "people talking without speaking, people hearing without listening".**


	22. Miséricorde De Une Sœur Jumelle

**"In conclusion, in my family, every day is a challenge. But you can be sure that when I need them, my sisters will always be there for me. All of them." -Lincoln Loud, May 5, 2016**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Lola spends the day at her sister Lana's place**

* * *

Lola tags along with her sister and they head to her place together. After passing by several houses, they arrive at hers.

"Well, here we are. 4264 Tenderheart Avenue." Lana chipperly stated "I insist that you go ahead of me and scout out the place."

Lola does so. It looks like a modest home.

"Do you like it?"

"Yes, it's very beautiful."

"Well, if you want, you can sleep with me. Um…Lexx, you don't mind sleeping on the couch, do you?"

"…not at all…"

The two sisters go to bed and go to sleep.

The next day…

* * *

"So, since you're rooming with me. You need to help out, somehow."

"I think I'm too emotionally distraught to go back to work."

"You don't need to do that, just…do some chores around the house. We both have seen that _SpongeBob_ episode where _Squidward_ freeloads off of _SpongeBob_ after he got fired. We don't want a similar situation to happen. Huh, there are quite a few parallels between us and them, don't you think?

…

…

…

Lana continues her explanation.

"You're like Squidward. The sardonic, cynical type with an unstable temper. Whereas I'm like Spongebob. Happy, carefree and a little bit naïve."

"Ok, I'll help out around here."

"Thanks sis. Oh, by the way…you've been wearing that dress since last night, maybe you should borrow one of my outfits."

"NO. WAY."

"Alright, if you really want to wear your dresses, you can go back to your house and go get them. I really don't care."

Lola tenses up as soon as her sister said "your house". Just like order 66, she can still hear her family's pained cries as they were systematically executed. She snaps out of her trauma.

"Uh, maybe I'll just use one of yours."

"Great."

Lana shows Lola her closet, which has a few assorted outfits. Mostly, it's copies of her iconic outfit. 20 of them to be exact.

"I'll let you choose one."

Lola picks one of the 20 copies and goes to the bathroom to change. A few moments later, she comes out, looking exactly like Lana.

"Wow, you look amazing in my outfit! You should wear it more often."

"Thanks sis."

Lana's watch beeps.

"Oh, sorry Lols. I have to go to work. Can you help Lexx watch Landon?"

"Sure."

"Ok, I trust you sis."

Lana leaves.

* * *

"WOOHOO!"

Lola tries to find the source of elation. It was from Lexx. He appears to be cheering about a message he got on his computer.

"What's going on, Lexx?"

"I finally got an acting role that doesn't suck! It's a minor character in "Stellar Odyssey: The Last Try"!"

"So?"

"You don't understand. This role pays out 1/64th of what _Harrison Ford_ got when he played _Han Solo_ in " _The Force Awakens_ "! That's $390,625 dollars just for playing a minor character! Although, said character is popular with the fans, so that's probably why the payout is so high."

"That sounds amazing!"

"Yeah, I can finally help Lana out. I had to act in a bunch of Japanese commercials and shoddy B-movies, but this role made all of that suffering worth it. I'm sorry to force this on you, but can you watch Landon by yourself? I have to practice for this!"

"Sure."

"Thanks, I owe you one."

Lexx leaves to practice his craft while Lola does some chores Lana wanted her to do.

* * *

8 hours later…

"Hey, I'm back from the vet's. Is everyone alright?"

"Yes, everyone's all right."

"I got a decent role for my acting career."

"Great job, Lexie."

"Lexie?!"

"Yeah, Lols. It's a nickname I gave him. He doesn't seem to mind that much when I call him that."

A spry 12-year-old boy approaches Lana.

"Oh, Landon. Did you have a great time with aunt Lola?"

"Yeah, she was great!"

"So, I have a question for you, Lans."

"What is it?"

"Why did you marry Lexx? Didn't you have a crush on Skippy?"

"Yeah, about that…well, we hung out a lot, but we found it better to remain friends. We came to a mutual conclusion, but we still talk to each other occasionally."

"Oh, I see."

"I had the opportunity to ask Lana out several times, but two things held me back. One, you already married my brother, so it would have been awkward if we both married our opposite counterparts. Second, Lana intimidates me. After all, she's better than me at nearly everything. But SHE asked ME out, and of course I said "yes"".

"I remember, you found my certificate."

Lana goes to a closet and shows it off.

"Oh, that's your finishing school diploma. I thought you'd be ashamed of that thing. Especially since it says "Cum Quod Summa Honoris"."

"With the highest honor."

"So, you mean to tell me that you were the best in that class? I don't believe it."

"I don't believe it either, and I'm the one who took the class."

"I guess I picked up a few tips off of you."

…

…

…

"But you're right, I am still ashamed of it. I prefer to get down and dirty, rather than being prim and proper."

* * *

Lana leaves and picks up a crossword.

"Ah, sometimes I fill out these crosswords for fun. It keeps my brain active."

1 across: The Crossword King (2 words)

"Easy. " _Matt Gaffney_ "."

1 down: Italian for "sea"

"Mare."

1 crossword later…

"Ah, that one was actually kind of hard."

"You know, I never said this to you, but I really enjoy your company."

"Really?"

"Yeah, remember when we became Bluebells together?"

"That was one of the best days of my life."

"Mine too."

The pair goes to sleep and prepares for the next day…

* * *

 **Preview**

"Hey Lola, are you ok?"

"I am a hideous monster."

"Lols?"

"This all happened because of me. This is my fault…"

* * *

 **Author's Note: The film that Lexx got an acting role in, "Stellar Odyssey: The Last Try" is supposed to be a sequel, and a reference to the Amazing World of Gumball, where the film the Wattersons were trying to watch was called "Stellar Odyssey: The Force Rehashed". And both films are a reference to Star Wars. Specifically, "The Force Awakens" and "The Last Jedi", respectively.**

 **Lexx originally worked as a librarian's assistant before Lana got her veterinary license. People who went there referred to him while he was working there by the affectionate (or derogatory) nickname, "Lexicon". This job was only temporary until Lana became a veterinarian. Lexx actually wanted to continue this job to help her out, but Lana assured him she can take care of them, thus giving him the time to hone his craft for his dream job, becoming an actor!**


	23. Le Bouclier Bleu

**"Senritsu o toru tanjun'na koto ga dekiru yō ni ikutsu ka no kotoba o amai chōwa ima anata no koe o agete ichinichijū, imasugu ai wa imaya tsuyoku narimasu ai no merodī o utau ā, ai" (旋律を取る 単純なことができるように いくつかの言葉を 甘い調和 今あなたの声を上げて 一日中、今すぐ 愛は 強くなります 愛のメロディーを歌う ああ、愛) (take a melody, simple as can be, give it some words and, sweet harmony, raise your voice, now all day long, now love grows strong, now sing a melody of love oh, love) 8 Melodies (Original Japanese lyrics), Mother 1/Earthbound Zero/Earthbound Beginnings, July 27, 1989**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Lana assures Lola that someone cares about her**

* * *

The next day arrives. The twins wake up and go about their usual routine, but as Lola passes by a mirror, she glances at it and sees herself. But now, her hair is brown, her eyes turn from bright blue to rage-filled red. The eyes are also beady instead of cartoonish. Her dress turns from pink to light green with a yellow sash. The mirror gives an evil grimace at Lola as it holds up a bloodstained knife, coated with ashen grey dust.

"Hey Lola, are you ok?"

"I am a hideous monster."

"Lols?"

"This all happened because of me. This is my fault…"

"Don't beat yourself up about it. There's nothing you could have done."

* * *

The phone rings. Lola answers it.

"Hello?"

"Yeah, this is the morgue. We have 3 bodies for you, what do you want to do with them?"

"Bury the man and girl, donate the boy to science."

"Are you sure, lady?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"Alright, we'll let you take care of the other 2."

"Ok."

"Bye."

The phone disconnects.

"Who was that?"

"The morgue, they want me to bury my family."

"Well, if you need help with the arrangements, you could call her."

"No, I can handle it myself."

"Alright, if you need any help you can just tell me."

"I will, thanks."

* * *

"I miss them so much…"

…

"Maybe there's a way I can be with them…"

…

"There's a second gun in that case. MY gun…all it will take is one shot. It will feel…so…liberating, won't it?"

"Are you suggesting what I think you are?"

"I won't be able to hurt anyone ever again."

"Look, this isn't the way, sis."

"Isn't it?! I've already tried to be nice, but the same thing happened! All I do is cause sorrow to everyone around me! Both my family and friends, I hurt everyone around me!"

"But you'll just cause even more pain if you go through with it!"

…

…

…

"Look, I have so many things to share with you, Lols! I even made this song to try and lift your spirits!"

Lana tries to sing a song to make Lola happy once more.

* * *

Don't let the sun set, t'would cause upset

You make us happy, despite our frays

Discard your fear, and form bonds anew

Please don't let the sun set today

As you see here, our lives are teeming

Be free, as your old self died

You're not broke, and not faking

No more pain and lies

Don't let the sun set, t'would cause upset

You make us happy, despite our frays

Discard your fear, and form bonds anew

Please don't let the sun set today

We all love you, can't you see

You've had your penance, and came clean

Happiness from your sisters and brother

Time to make up, so you deem

Don't let the sun set, t'would cause upset

You make us happy, despite our frays

Discard your fear, and form bonds anew

Please don't let the sun set today

We'll always love you, you know it's true

Don't let this be a false claim

You still have us, all the others

Continue to live and stay

Don't let the sun set, t'would cause upset

You make us happy, despite our frays

Discard your fear, and form bonds anew

Please don't let the sun set today

* * *

Lana finishes singing that beautiful song. Lola is on the verge of crying. She can't hold back anymore. She rushes into her sisters' arms and sobs profusely on her chest as Lana strokes her twin sister's hair affectionately.

"I've been such a fool!"

"Shh, it's alright, let it all out, sis."

Lola finishes crying.

"You're right, Lana. I need to move past this. I need to get my determination back.

"That's my sis."

…

"Lola…I just…don't want to lose you."

She hugs her sister tighter.

"Don't worry."

"I'll always be there to protect you."

* * *

 **Preview**

"It's time."

* * *

 **Author's Note: The song that Lana sings is a parody cover of "You Are My Sunshine".**

 **Originally, a traveling artist would have stopped by Lana's house asking for Lola, claiming he wants her to be his muse for his next artwork. Lola would have responded to him and, to prove he isn't lying, would draw a logo. Unfortunately for Lola, it would have been the insignia for L.O.L.A! Yes, she would have to face the second-in-command of the group, AnimeDrawer8, also known as the Mad Artist! He would have brought a group of Lola Loud haters watching in the background. He has both E. Gadd's brush from Super Mario Sunshine and Maxwell's notebook from Scribblenauts! He can create ANYTHING to kill her with! He does toy with her by summoning mud on top of her, which she dodged. Despite having been ordered by his boss to kill ONLY Lola and to minimize civilian casualties, he ignores this and tries to summon a nuclear bomb to eradicate Lola! He only stopped because the haters didn't want to get blown up and the fact that the bomb would efface the entire state of Michigan off the face of the Earth.**

 **He settles for summoning Walter. Walter stands for "Weaponized Armament Looking To Eradicate Readily". This model was built off the original Walter, known by their leader as the Righteous Hater! and since the original Walter is an "animeologist" (we call those people "otakus"), he has DBZ levels of power that defies all laws of physics! Lola would have to defend herself using her imagination. Eventually, their leader would come and chastise his second-in-command for ignoring the civilian protocol and would tell the haters to disperse, as well as dropping a logic bomb that causes the W.A.L.T.E.R. to self destruct. The command is that the real Walter wouldn't have killed Lola, he would only have wanted to teach her a lesson, since the Mad Artist programed the W.A.L.T.E.R. to kill, it would go against his original purpose, thus causing him to self destruct. Lana would then come out and report the group to chief Rosato after making sure her twin sister is okay.**

 **Safe to say, this was cut out for the absolute destruction of the suspension of disbelief. This is also what caused the entire L.O.L.A mini-plot to be aborted entirely.**


	24. Innocence Perdue

**"You know what they say, a little childhood trauma builds character." -Eddy, January 4, 1999**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Lola tries to pick up the pieces of her shattered life**

* * *

"It's time."

Lola had gotten the word from the "professionals" that the crime scene had been cleaned up and that she could live there once more. She had left Lana's home to head back to her own. Also, the time to bury Leif and Alexa is here. Does she have the emotional strength to get her life back on track after what had happened?

First, Lola put her family to rest. Anyone was welcome to attend the funeral. First up was Leif's.

"We are gathered here today to remember Leif Loud. Is there anyone who'd like to say a few words?"

Naturally, his entire family was there.

"He was the greatest brother I ever had."

"He'd listen to all my problems."

"He was an awesome person to be around."

"We wooden have our brother any other way."

"He may have been a wimp, but he was our wimp."

"He always hung out with me, even if it meant doing girlish stuff."

"Sigh, his happy go lucky attitude made me smile, rarely."

"Even though he had no idea what he was doing, he was still happy to help with my experiments."

"He helped me follow my dreams."

Lexx had more than a few words to say about his twin brother.

"Leif…he was…my friend, my brother and one of the best people to be around. He would always try to help you, no matter what would happen to him. He'd be there to listen to your troubles. We were always supportive of whatever he did, even if he was more into things that our sister would like."

Tears stream down his face, but he manages to say the last words without crying.

"I…I…I miss him already…"

Lola could have said a few words to Leif, but she chose not to. It would be more important for his family to praise all the good things he did in life, rather than her. She didn't want to ruin their moment…

Alexa's funeral, however, had less than 10 people attending it, including Lola. Even though she had a few friends, no one really knew her that well. Not even her aunts and uncles, as they only met once before.

Lola was the only one to speak at her funeral.

"Alexa was a bright kid who had her whole future ahead of her. She was a little bit cheeky when we tried to teach her how to spell, but she knew the words already. She was a fun loving individual that anyone would be happy to be around. We all miss her dearly."

Both of them were buried next to each other. As the procession concluded and the mourners dispersed, there was still someone there. They said a few words to Leif before leaving.

"You were one of the best workers I ever had. Rest in peace, Leif Loud."

The person leaves.

* * *

Lola heads back to her house. It seems as if almost everything was left intact. Except for the carpet, which was replaced, and a family picture that was broken during the crime.

Before she even enters the house, she checks her mailbox. Amidst all the bills and solicitor letters, there is one letter that she pulls out. She sees that it's from Winston. She opens the letter and reads it.

"Lola, I can't imagine what you're going through. I offer my deepest condolences. I hope that you can recover from your loss. If you need someone to talk to, I'd be glad to listen. Well, this letter is getting kind of long, so I'd better sign off. It was nice catching up with you."

Lola feels happy that someone cares about her. She gathers her courage and enters her house. First, she enters Leif's room and opens the closet door. Lola reaches for the box containing hers and Leif's guns. She takes hers out, holds it in front of her and…

 **BANG!**

* * *

"Ok, so the gun works. I'll give you $150 dollars for it."

"Fine."

Sold it to a pawn shop. She doesn't want to see another gun after what had happened! Now that that's taken care of, she tries to readjust to her old life. She calls someone.

"Yeah?"

"Mr. Oman? It's Lola. Can I come back to work?"

"Are you sure you're ready to head back? I heard about what had happened on the news. If you still aren't ready to work, I have reserves to fill in for you while you deal with your loss."

"Yes, I'm fine."

"Ok. I'll see you back here at 9 AM tomorrow."

"Thanks."

"No, Mrs. Loud. Thank you."

The call ends.

It seems that Lola's life has gotten some sense of normalcy. I wonder how long that will last. After all, from this crime, 28 lives will be changed forever, and for them, nothing will be the same anymore.

* * *

 **Preview**

"Lola Loud, you're the worst human being ever! Oh, I loathe you, I loathe you, I loathe you, I loathe you, I loathe you!"


	25. Procès Par Frères

**"Wait...Wait a minute, hold on! Wait a minute. So there was no statement by the defense, no attorney appointed to the defense, no witnesses called, no evidence presented, nobody even bothered to notice that we literally got here four minutes and thirty-four seconds before we were arrested, and there wasn't even a jury? This is more rigged than Saddam Hussein's trial!"** **-Emiliano Rodolfo Rosales-Birou, August 9, 2009**

 **Chapter Synopsis: The Loud brothers decide on whether or not Lola had a hand in their brother's murder**

* * *

The scene switches to Lane thinking about something. It happened during the night of the LOL murders, specifically, the aftermath. He and his brothers had a discussion about it once they dispersed from Lola and Leif's house.

"I can't believe what happened…"

"I know, bro. Who would be evil enough to kill someone so pure?"

"I'll tell you who, that vile wretch, Lola Loud!"

"But she was already interrogated and exonerated by chief Rosato. You saw the police update too! Lyle was the murderer."

"Yeah, and he's Lola's son."

"He's also Leif's son, what's your point?"

"None of this would have happened if Lyle hadn't been born!"

"Come on, you're talking crazy! There's no way Lola could predict Lyle could become a sociopath!"

"If he was a sociopath, they should have either locked him up and threw away the key, or euthanize him so he doesn't murder people indiscriminately!"

"Because that's both moral and ethically illegal."

"Our justice system has failed us. I just want the people responsible for this reprehensible crime to be punished."

"He already has, he committed suicide after killing our brother. He can't kill anyone else anymore."

"That bastard escaped punishment! He should suffer! Lola should also suffer because of her cambion conception!"

"If you're going that route, Alexa must be an immaculate conception, then."

"Why are you trying to justify her actions? She is a manipulative bitch!"

"Has she ever manipulated our brother?"

"Well, no. But that's part of her grand master plan to blackmail him later. It's just that Lyle killed him before the plan could take effect."

"Dude, stop. Lola might have been horrible in the past, but she is genuinely trying to change for her family! I was best friends with her and her sister, so I know the most about them."

"Why aren't you mad?! Your twin brother was just murdered in cold blood! If anyone, you should be the lividest about the crime, Lexx!"

"I'm not angry at the perpetrator, I'm depressed that I won't get to see my twin brother anymore."

"Exactly, so you should avenge your fallen brother and punish the lowlife responsible."

"You can't kill someone who's already dead."

"Lola is the catalyst for this tragedy. In a circuitous way, she killed our brother through a proxy, their son!"

"Bro, enough! Lyle is the criminal, Lola is innocent! I know you miss our brother, but that's no reason to blame her for something her son did!"

"Lane, help me out here. Tell me I'm right!"

"Sorry, I agree with Luke and Lexx. You're just angry that we couldn't save him. While we are wallowing in our own self-pity…but, we've accepted that this happened and there's nothing we could have done to prevent it. Maybe you should calm down, and just think about this situation rationally."

"O! from this time forth, my thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth!"

"He's quoting _Shakespeare_. Yep, it's official, he's gone stark raving mad!"

"Come on, bro. Let us help you…before you go completely insane."

"I'm saner than I've ever been, Lane! I thank you for your help, brothers, but I'll take it from here."

* * *

They split up to their respective houses, but the three other brothers worry about their brother's growing mental instability. We see the inside of the dissenter's house. It has a photo album's worth of pictures of him and his brothers strewn all over. He picks up a picture of him and Leif together. Both of them look…happy.

"My brother…"

He knows the happy times have been completely razed! And it's…and it's…

…

…

…

ALL HER FAULT!

He goes into another room, filled with pictures of Lola. A picture of her is on a dartboard, pelted with what looks like 100 pub darts punctured into it. Another picture has been pasted on what looks like a training dummy. It's riddled with bullet holes and knife gashes.

"Lola Loud, you're the worst human being ever! Oh, I loathe you, I loathe you, I loathe you, I loathe you, I loathe you!"

"O most pernicious woman! O, villain, villain, smiling, damned villain! My tables, meet it is I set it down, that one may smile, and smile, and be a villain."

He continues to descend into the depths of his own madness. The effect is so great that one might confuse his craziness with schizophrenia.

"Et tu, brothers? You would side with the vile temptress?! Your betrayal hurts more than the cold steel in our brother's heart!"

Then he got an idea, a wonderful, awful idea. He states his mantra as he prepares for the big day.

"The reverse of the Ides will even the sides."

"Lola Loud, you will pay for what you did to our brother."

* * *

 **Preview**

"Hello?"

"Lola? It's me, Lexx."

"Lexx? What do you want?"

"I want to talk to you. Can you meet me at Banger's & Mosh at 8:00?"

* * *

 **Author's Note: The Loud brother quoting Shakespeare is quoting from "Hamlet", specifically. How fitting, as that play is known for familial betrayal and revenge. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? His mantra "the reverse of the Ides will even the sides" could refer to any 13th of the month, except for March, May, July and October. On those four months, the ide is on the 15th. Which ide he talking about? Probably the most famous one.**


	26. Si C'est Quelconque Consolation

**"You see? Everything works out. I have something for you. I've been keeping it in my secret compartment. [rummages through his back pocket and takes out a golden spatula] Ding! [in unison with the sparkling of the spatula] Sparkle, sparkle." -Sheldon J Plankton, July 31, 1999**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Lexx tells Lola about the secondary after effect of the LOL murders**

* * *

Transitioning back to Lola, we see that she is laying down in bed. Suddenly, her cellphone rings. She answers it.

"Hello?"

"Lola? It's me, Lexx."

"Lexx? What do you want?"

"I want to talk to you. Can you meet me at Banger's & Mosh at 8:00?"

"Sure, but can't you just talk to me right now?"

"Well, yes. But I think talking in person would be better."

"I'll see you there, then."

"Great. I can't wait."

* * *

Lola prepares for their meetup and drives over to the famed British eatery and rock venue, Banger's & Mosh. Her watch says it's 7:50. Lexx arrived shortly thereafter.

"Ah, you actually came. To be honest, I thought you'd blow me off. Well, shall we go in?"

"Yes."

Both of them enter the bistro. It's charmingly rustic. Lexx and Lola approach the hostess stand.

"Welcome to Banger's & Mosh, how many people are dining in today?"

"2"

"Alright, follow me."

The waitress leads them to their table.

"What would you like to drink?"

"Water." Both of them said in unison

"Right, now what would you like to eat?"

"Shepherd's pie."

"Fish and chips."

"Ok, it will be out shortly."

She leaves, and returns a split second later with the waters.

"Your waters have arrived." She said as she sets them down on their table.

* * *

"I wonder who's headlining today…"

"I heard it's a new band called _Tainted Love_."

"Oh, so _Soft Cell_ is playing tonight?"

"No. The original singer, _Gloria Jones_ , also isn't playing."

"How do you know who the original singer is?"

"Internet. Also, Luke told me."

"Ah."

The members of the band pop up on stage. Of the 8 members, 2 of them look very familiar…

"Wait, is that…"

* * *

Before they could find out, their food arrived.

"Here's your shepherds' pie and fish and chips. Enjoy."

She sets the food down on the table. Unfortunately, thanks to her, we don't know the name of that very familiar lead vocalist of today's headlining rock band. The band plays a soft rock tune as Lexx and Lola begin their conversation.

"So, what did you want to talk to me about, Lexx?"

"I just have to tell you a few things. Ever since the incident, the brothers of the Loud House have been a house divided. Seven of us think you are completely innocent in the crime, but three of us think you have been an accomplice to the crime. And one of those three may have become mentally unstable."

"Really?" Lola said in a whimpering tone "How could anyone think I had anything to do with that? I just can't understand."

"I just want to tell you. It's not your fault. I am one of the 7 who knows you are innocent."

"Thanks, Lexx."

"I have something for you."

Lexx takes out a wood carving. It's a statue depicting a white-haired figure holding a pink sword in one hand, and a blue shield in the other.

"For a true friend."

Lola takes it.

"You know, Linky said something that reminds me of your figurine. He said "A knight will always need his sword and shield.""

"Huh, my sister said the exact same thing."

"I guess that great minds think alike, huh?

"Yes."

* * *

Both of them begin to eat their food. Lola tried dipping her chips in mayonnaise. She found that it tasted better than ketchup. After both of them finished eating, they begin to head back home.

"Lana is concerned for you. Maybe I should escort you home."

"I appreciate the thought, but I can take care of myself."

"Are you sure? It's no trouble for me."

"Yes, but I have one more thing to do."

"What would that be?"

"To see them again."

Lexx understands what she means.

"Ok, I understand, but please…just stay safe, for both yours and Lana's sakes."

"I will, thanks Lexx."

Both of them leave the restaurant. Lola manages to catch a glance at their calendar.

"October 18, 2046."

* * *

 **Preview**

"So, ready for karaoke night, Lana?"

"Sure, Lexie."

"If I know the lyrics, then I'm an amazing singer. If not, I'm more tone deaf than Emile."

"Who's that?"

"Some guy on the internet that Landon watches in his spare time. I actually watched some of his content. It's pretty funny."

"Right, when were you tone deaf?"


	27. Coucher Du Soleil

**"Beware the Ides of March..." -Soothsayer, February 15, 44 B.C.E**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Lola finds herself in a grave situation**

* * *

Lola heads on over to the cemetery to talk to Leif. She heads over to his tombstone and starts to speak.

"Hey, Leif…it's me. Even after everything that has transpired, do you still love me?"

She scoffs at herself.

"Right, you don't. Because look at us now…I'm miserable, and you guys are 6 feet under."

…

…

…

"You know, even though 7 members of your family believe that I had nothing to do with your murder, I still feel like I had a hand in it, even though that isn't the case."

Lola's facial expression changes from a frown to a neutral pose.

"Lexx gave me something today. He said it was for a true friend."

"I've probably gone crazy, seeing as I'm talking to a headstone and not a person."

…

…

…

"Well, it was nice talking to you. I should bring you some flowers as an offering…to show you that I care. I'll be right back."

* * *

Lola leaves to go to the florist's. Meanwhile, a sinister shadow peers out from betwixt two trees adjacent to the cemetery…

"No, I shan't spill the courtesan's vile quintessence atop my dear brother's sepulcrum. It would contaminate my brother's purity, having his murderer's sanguine desecrating his final resting place. Once she leaves the cemetery…"

He takes out a knife.

"She's mine."

* * *

Lola returns with a bunch of flowers. She places them in this order: Field Lilac, Everlasting, Iris and a Forget-Me-Not. The shadow gags at the last one, as he knows that a forget-me-not symbolizes true love, which Lola would never have, as she is only a scheming manipulator in his eyes.

Lola still has more flowers. She sidles on over to Alexa's grave, directly to the right of Leif's.

"Mommy didn't forget about you, my daughter."

Again, she lays down the flowers in a specific order. This time it's: Blue Acacia, Lotus, Elder, Xeranthemum and Allspice.

…

…

…

"Goodbye, Leif and Alexa. I miss you."

Lola leaves the cemetery and begins to head back home, with the shadow slinking alongside her. She arrives home and decides to pay a visit to her dear twin sister, Lana. 4264 Tenderheart Avenue is actually really close by! She decides to walk there. Upon getting halfway to Lana's house, she rests near a building to catch her breath then continues walking. The shadow decides the time to strike is now! He repeats his mantra once more.

* * *

"The reverse of the Ides will even the sides."

Then he goes on the offensive. He rushes and tackles Lola into a nearby alleyway.

"What?! Who are you?! If you need money, I don't have much, but take it!" Lola declares as she pleads for her life

"You're pathetic, bitch! I don't want money, I want vengeance!" He says as he wields his knife and slides the dull end across her trachea to intimidate her.

"Oh yes, I'm going to enjoy this…"

Lola swears she heard his voice before, but he has a voice modulator to disguise his voice, so it makes it hard to tell who exactly the voice belongs to!

* * *

Meanwhile, at Lana's house, by sheer coincidence…

"So, ready for karaoke night, Lana?"

"Sure, Lexie."

"If I know the lyrics, then I'm an amazing singer. If not, I'm more tone deaf than _Emile_."

"Who's that?"

"Some guy on the internet that Landon watches in his spare time. I actually watched some of his content. It's pretty funny."

"Right, when were you tone deaf?"

* * *

Lana has a flashback from 30 years ago.

"To earn the Music Makers patch, you must perform the Bluebell song. Ready, Lola?"

"Ahem. We are the Bluebells / Loyal, kind, and true-bells / A better friend you'll never know !"

[applauds Lola] "Next up. Lana!"

[on a mic, singing poorly and off-key] " We are the Bluebells, uh, uh...Loyal glue and shoe bells E-I-E-I-O! " [makes noises with her armpit and drops the mic]

[The scout master is aghast at Lana's performance]

"Lana, what was that?"

"You know I'm not good at this prissy sing-y dress-y junk!"

"Well, maybe you just need to...step outside your comfort zone!"

[She walks off. Lana is shocked at what she said and blows a raspberry at her]

The flashback ends.

* * *

"Uh, I don't want to talk about it."

"Fine, so what song do you want us to sing."

" _Untitled_."

"Uh, what's the title of the song?"

"Untitled."

"Ok Lana, very funny, but seriously, what is the name of the song?"

"I already told you, Lexie. It's "Untitled"!"

"What is this? An _Abbot_ and _Costello_ routine?!"

"Dude, Untitled is the name of the song! It's by the Canadian band _Simple Plan_!"

Oh really? Well let's see if there is a Simple Plan song that actually…

He looks and finds a Simple Plan song literally titled, "Untitled".

"I'm sorry I doubted you, Lana."

"Yes, now let's just sing the wonderfully melancholic song already…"

Both of them begin to sing the song, but abruptly, the scene transitions back to the vengeful shadow's attack on Lola. But one can hear Lana and Lexx's duet cover of the song while the attack is going on, creating a wonderful juxtaposition.

* * *

The shadow begins stabbing Lola with his trusty knife. Lola tries to fight back, but this person easily overpowers her. The first cut was roughly in her abdominal area while the second was a thin opening at the side of her neck. Luckily, the knife didn't sever an artery or reach the trachea.

 _ **"I open my eyes. I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light. I can't remember how, I can't remember why I'm lying here tonight…"**_

"Loki? Is that you?"

"Lady, if I was Loki…"

"Y-O-U'-D-B-E D-E-A-D-W-H-E-R-E-Y-O-U-S-T-A-N-D."

"I want you to live and suffer all of the pain you've inflicted onto our dear brother. We will avenge him. But…Loki is right about one thing…"

"You don't deserve our brother."

He continues his savage assault on Lola. 3 more lacerations to the chest, 5 to the left thigh and 5 to the right thigh. No doubt he was looking to cleave one of her 2 femoral arteries in two. Because if that happened, she'd slowly exsanguinate to death, all the while, the shadow basking in the revelry of Lola's pain. The perfect revenge…

 _ **"And I can't stand the pain, and I can't make it go away. No, I can't stand the pain…"**_

He begins to unbuckle his pants, revealing that he was wearing a condom under his briefs and pants the whole time. Unfortunately, Lola has seen enough _Law and Order: SVU_ episodes to know where this was going. He shoves his penis into her vagina and begins grinding on her as hard as he possibly can, hurting her on the inside, as well as on the outside. This is payback for her manipulating sex out of Leif for her own cheap thrills.

"Try getting an orgasm off of THIS, whore!"

He stabs her in the chest 5 more times, and manages to slash both of her breasts.

Lola has a flashback to the night of the LOL murders, everyone is at the police station, arguing whether or not Lola is guilty or innocent in abetting the murder of her family.

 _ **"Everybody's screaming. I try to make a sound but no one hears me."**_

"Lola is innocent!" Loni, Luke, Lane, Lars, Linka, Lexx and Leon yell out

"Lola is guilty!" Loki, Lynn and Levi shout in response

"Let her cry! She's lost her family!"

"Let her die! She's killed her family!"

 _ **"I'm slipping off the edge, I'm hanging by a thread. I want to start this over again..."**_

In the same flashback, inside the police station, Lola is talking to chief Rosato about Lyle.

"How could he do this? Where did we go wrong? I've tried to teach him how to be a good boy. Was it all in vain?"

"No, you did the best you could. You didn't encourage or manipulate Lyle. He murdered Leif and Alexa on his own accord."

"That…doesn't make me feel any better…"

 _ **"So, I try to hold on to a time when nothing mattered, and I can't explain what happened…"**_

Another flashback, this one was from their childhood, it was the day the twin sisters met the twin brothers.

"Kids, we have 2 new students joining us today." The teacher announced "Students, introduce yourselves."

"Sure, I'm Lexx Loud!" One of the boys yelled boisterously

"And… I'm Leif…" The other boy responded

"Why don't you try and play with the other kids?" The teacher advised

"Gladly!" Lexx stated confidently

Lexx and Leif move forward, but while Lexx intermingles with the rest of his classmates, Leif offshoots from him and begins doodling on a piece of paper on an adjacent desk.

Lexx notices them, he talked to Lola first.

"Hey beautiful, didn't see you there, I'm Lexx."

"And I'm not interested."

Lexx continues, not noticing she rejected him.

"Well, Not Interested, don't be like that! I just want to be your friend."

"Look, I'm sure you're nice, but I don't want to be your friend. I already have friends."

"Oh, then I'll just befriend them."

He shifts his focus to her sister, he seems noticeably different when he looked at her.

"Hi, I'm Lexx."

"I'm Lana."

"Well, Lana...are you friends with her?" He said while gesturing to Lola

"No, that's my sister…" Lana responded with an unamused expression

"Oh, I'm sorry… I didn't know…" He said meekly

"…That's ok."

"Do you want to hang out with me?"

"Sure?"

Lexx and Lana go to another part of the room. Lola approached Leif.

"Hey, whatcha doing?"

"Doodling."

I glance at his paper. It's homework…

"Why aren't you hanging out with Lexx? He's the popular brother."

"Because I want to hang out with you." She replied

Leif glances at her in surprise.

"Seriously? I'm not really as interesting as my twin brother."

"Yeah? Well, I'm overshadowed by my twin sister."

Lana heard that and took offense, she walks up to Leif.

"Actually, that's not true, Lola here is a pageant powerhouse, so she's definitely not "overshadowed."" Lana corrects, then goes back to hanging out with Lexx

 _ **"And I can't erase the things that I've done. No, I can't…"**_

Multiple flashbacks emerge all at once. All of Lola's past sins come flooding her memories in what looks to be her final moments.

"Hold it, Lincoln. Play 'Fashion Photographer' with me!"

"I would Lola, but I really have to-"

"YOU PLAY, OR I'LL TELL MOM YOU WERE READING COMICS ON THE ROOF IN YOUR UNDERWEAR AGAIN!"

[makes a side glance to the viewers and then starts taking photos of Lola as she poses for the camera.] "Work the camera! Uh-huh! That's it! Show me what you got!"

[walking in the background] "Poo-poo!"

"Who's a beauty queen?"

[enter Lola's twin Lana carrying a pile of mud in her hands.]

"Lincoln!"

"Hey! I'm working here!"

"Check out my mud pie! It's nice and squishy!" [squishes it and smears it all over Lola's face.]

[Coming out of their room] "Cartoons! Cartoons! Cartoons! Cartoons!"

"Did someone say tea party?" [reveals a tea pot and a box of cookies.]

"Eeeee! Thank you, Lincoln!" [takes the items and goes back to her room.]

"Hey, I don't want to be part of some dumb old tea party, I want to watch TV!"

"Not even if [pulls out something from behind him] these guys are invited?"

[holds out two frogs; one croaks.]

"Eeeee! Thanks, Lincoln!" [takes the frogs and goes back to her room.]

"Hey, Luan!"

"I was just heading downstairs to watch TV."

"You might want to grab your video camera instead. The twins are at it again."

[Lola and Lana fighting]

"You can't come!" "V.I.P. only!"

"This is totally gonna go viral!" [goes back to her room to get her video camera] "Thanks, Linc!"

"Ow. Ow!"

"No running in the hallway!"

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"Lana, is this maggot giving you lip?" [writes Lincoln up]

"We're the new hall monitors at school, so we're practicing at home."

[They give Lincoln a ticket.]

"If we catch you speeding again, you're going downtown! We already locked up Luan for telling bad jokes." [reveals Luan in a cardboard jail cell.]

"Hey! Did you hear the one about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months!" [laughs to rimshot] "Get it?"

"That's five more minutes, dirt bag!"

"Okay, okay. I'll walk within the speed limit. I swear."

"NO SWEARING!"

"Hey! No one goes in, no one comes out! Boss's orders!"

"Those were my orders! Let me in!"

"I'm gonna need you to step back, sir."

"Sorry about this, Lola." [charges at Lola with a war cry; Lola whacks him with the golf club and knocks him out.]

[As soon as Lincoln comes to, he sees that Lola tied him up like they tied Lori up.]

"Uh, no no no. I'm sorry, Lincoln. ANYONE ELSE?!" [beat] "I DIDN'T THINK SO!"

"Beauty before age!"

[retorts] "Yeah! So, I should get it!"

Lincoln is quietly eating dinner when Lana suddenly pokes him in the face with a wiener.]

"Would you cut it out?"[as he resumes eating, Lola also pokes and smacks him with a wiener.] "Come on, man! Stop!" [the twins continue hitting him with their wieners.] "I said cut it out!"

[fighting over a dollar with Lana.] "It's my dollar!"

"No, it's mine!"

"Let go!"

"No, you let go!"

"Right on cue."

"You let go!"

"Stop it!"

[Lincoln takes their dollar.]

"Hey!"

[gives them exact change] "Half for Lola, half for Lana."

"Thanks, Lincoln!"

[Lola and Lana are arguing over who gets to use the bathroom first.]

"I was here first!"

"No, I was!"

"Nuh-uh, I was!"

"No way! I was!"

"You always say that!"

"You do!"

[Lincoln puts on a pair of roller skates and goes into the bathroom.]

"Hey! No cutting!"

[Lincoln gives them their toothbrushes and liberally applies toothpaste to them.]

"Thanks, Lincoln!"

[Downstairs, the twins are arguing over different kinds of sandwiches in their lunches.]

"The peanut butter sandwich is mine!"

"No, the jelly sandwich is yours!"

"No!"

[Lincoln groans in frustration.]

"You like the peanut butter and I like the jelly!"

"You like peanut butter and I like jelly!"

"No, I like jelly and you-"

[Lincoln takes their sandwiches.]

"Hey!"

[Lincoln makes it so that both sandwiches have peanut butter AND jelly on them.]

"Now you each have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Now, get to the car."

"Thanks, Lincoln!" [head to the car]

"LINCOLN! IT'S 3 O'CLOCK! YOU'VE FAILED ME!" [bursts in] "YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MAKE LOLA MAD!" [sports her demonic grin and has flames of fury in her eyes.]

[begging for mercy] "I'm sorry! I would've done what you asked me, but I didn't hear you!" [reveals the buds] "I was wearing these. All I heard was the sound of waves. Or was it crickets? Doesn't matter! The thing is-"

[goes from blind with rage to suddenly calm and merciful.] "I know you didn't hear me."

"Huh?"

[The other sisters, sans Lisa, pop in with satisfied smiles.]

"You're not as clever as you think, Lincoln Loud."

[Flashback to what Lola was trying to tell Lincoln yesterday.]

[comes into Lincoln's room] "Lincoln, is this too much mascara? Be honest. It's super, super, super important!"

Lincoln: [having muted Lola out] "Aah. I couldn't agree more!"

[confused] "Agree with what?"

"Right back at ya!"

"Okay, you're weird."

[Lincoln's basketball shoots out of bounds and knocks over his wastebasket revealing the Noise-B-Gone package, which Lola notices, making her make that demonic grin she made in all those other flashbacks.]

[slyly] "So, Lincoln, are you the biggest dork in the world?"

[unable to hear her] "You can say that again!"

"And do you love the taste of dog poop?"

"You know it!"

[Lola slyly smiles and tells the other sisters about the earbuds.]

"So, he's been tuning us out all day?"

[Lola nods]

"No wonder he didn't help me restring my guitar."

"Or come to my séance."

"And that's why he didn't laugh at my jokes."

[sarcastically] "Yeah, that's why."

[violently] "I'm gonna go rip out those earbuds and-"

"Oh, no, no. I've got a better plan!"

"You're ruining the picture! Maybe you should take off that gross hat."

"Maybe you should take off that gross face!"

[Lana throws mud at her but Lola ducks and the mud hits Lincoln instead.]

[Lola, while looking in her mirror, sees Lincoln throwing off his shirt and pants in its reflection.]

"Groooooss!"

"What?"

"Why do you always have to read your comics in your underpants?!"

"'Cause reading my comics with my clothes on is uncomfortable and distracting." [shakes his booty at Lola] "And you know how I like to be comfortable while reading comics. Now, scootch!"

[Lincoln sits between Lola and Lisa; Lola, repulsed, jumps onto the armrest.]

"ACK! It's an annoying habit, and you get butt germs everywhere!"

"Me annoying? You can't look away from the mirror for five seconds!" [holds up all four of his fingers.]

"LIES!"

[it turns out Lola is looking in her mirror rather than at Lincoln; she looks back, closes the mirror, and smiles sheepishly.]

"On a hot summer day, there's nothing like a refreshing dip in your own pool." [charges toward it] "CANNONBALL!" [suddenly comes to a screeching halt.]

"Ah ah ah! Don't you dare splash me, Lincoln Loud! This outfit cannot get wet."

[It is revealed that his sisters have taken up the pool even in his own fantasy.]

"But it's a swimsuit."

[scoffs] "It's a swim gown, you Philistine."

[Lily is having a tea party with Lola.]

"More tea, Lady Lilington?"

"She doesn't wanna have a dumb tea party. She wants to play with Izzy!" [puts Izzy on Lily's head.]

"No, she doesn't!"

"Yes, she does!"

"No, she doesn't!"

"Yes, she does!"

"It's princess makeover time! I need a toad to turn into a beautiful princess." [sees Clyde and gasps] "Oh, you'll be a challenge."

"Clyde, come on! We gotta get started!" [grabs Clyde's arm]

"Hey, that's my toad!" [grabs Clyde's other arm]

"I hate to let the kid down, Lincoln. Start the movie and I'll be right in."

[Lincoln is now making a nice breakfast for his father with pancakes in the shape of his face and coffee, using the "TOP POP" coffee mug. As soon as it's ready, he sneaks over to his parents' room, but Lola catches him.]

[suspicious] "Lincoln, where are you going with those pancakes?"

"Uh..."

[examines the breakfast] "And why did you spell out "World's Best Dad" with chocolate chips?"

[It's true. Lincoln did do that on the whipped cream for his dad's coffee.]

"You can read?"

"I am more than just a pretty face, Lincoln! Now, you're up to something, and I'm gonna find out what it is!" [pulls Lincoln by his ear.]

"I'm telling Dad!" [goes to do so]

"What makes you think I did it?"

"Maybe because you made more clogs than a Dutch shoe factory!" [laughs during rimshot]

[cut to a few flashbacks of Lincoln clogging the toilet; Flashback #1: Lincoln is scraping his gross dinner into the toilet.]

"So long, liverwurst loaf!" [flushes the toilet only for it to back up.]

[bursts in] "I'm telling Dad!"

[Flashback #2: Lincoln is holding an embarrassing sweater his mother made him.]

"Mom can't make me wear you if she can't find you." [flushes it down the toilet only for another clog to occur.]

[bursts in] "I'm telling Dad!"

[Flashback #3: Lincoln is pouring a bunch of CD's into the toilet.]

[off-screen] "Has anyone seen my CD's? I gotta practice for karaoke night!"

[as Lynn Sr. practices his singing, Lincoln flushes them down the toilet only for the obvious to happen.]

[bursts in] "I'm telling Dad!"

[Lincoln goes downstairs and sees Lola pacing about.]

[suspiciously] "Looking for something, Lola?"

"Uh... no. I'm just...practicing for the...uh..." [grabs a chimney sweep] "...Little Miss Chimney Sweep Pageant." [grins nervous]

[Lincoln leaves and Lana pops out of the chimney covered in soot.]

"There's nothing up there."

"There's gotta be! Now keep looking!" [pushes Lana back up with the sweep.]

[giving in] "Darn you, Lincoln! I am in!" [worried with realization] "But wait. What if Lola finds out? You know what she's capable of."

[An image of Lola looking on demonically with hellfire in the background is shown as a cultist choir chants. Lincoln and Lana shudder with terror.]

"She won't find out. I promise."

[Inside the Loud House, Lucy and Lisa are eating frozen dinners in the living room and Charles is pulling on Lily's diaper because she has his bone. The entire living room is a mess and Lincoln is working on something in the dining room. Lola bursts into the house in her princess car, sends Lily and Charles flying and snatches Lisa's dinner fork with a piece of salisbury steak on it.]

[to Lola] "SALISBURY STEAK STEALER!"

[As Lincoln goes up, the book alternates between rising girders and ends on the top floor. Lincoln gets there and looks down, losing his cool. He inches towards it, but it falls and the girder rises, sending him in danger as he screams for his life. The girder is swinging right by Lynn Sr.'s office window while Lola and Lana are in another suction cup dart fight. Lincoln's cries for help catch Lana's ears.]

"Did you just hear Lincoln?"

"Lana, focus! We've got Dad's cube mate trapped in the coffee room! SAY YOUR PRAYERS, MARGIE!"

[The twins scream and attack Margie.]

"I hate Take Your Daughter to Work Day."

[Lola enters the kitchen to put her tea party cups away and notices Lincoln eating the peanut butter.]

"Ewww, Lincoln! Have a little class!" [She exits the kitchen, disgusted.]

[Lana and Lola's room]

[after hearing the secret about her.] Holy shamoley!" [all her siblings are surrounding her angrily. She grabs Lincoln by his shirt.] "Who told you about that?!"

[Lola looks at her siblings, demanding an answer. They all shrug their shoulders, pretending not to know.]

"If you tell Mom and Dad our secrets, we'll tell them yours! Now if you'll excuse us, those of us who can trust each other are going to go hang out."

[The siblings leave while Lola looks on with disappointment, realizing they got the upper hand.]

[Lincoln goes into Lola and Lana's room. He taps on Lola's sleeping mask and then stretches it and makes it snap on her eyes, making her growl and open her eyes.]

"Hey, Lola, wanna watch some of your pageant videos?"

[delighted] "Ah!" [suspicious] "Okay, weird. Why would you want to do that?"

"Because I'm a huge fan of youth-oriented, glamor-based competitions."

"Oh, cut the crud, Lincoln. What is up?"

"Okay, I saw a scary movie today and I'm afraid to be alone."

"Well, just go sleep with Mom and Dad. That's what I always do."

"Uh...that's not an option."

"Well, neither is losing my beauty sleep. Goodnight to you, sir!" [goes back to sleep snoring.]

"Morning."

[Lana pours a glass of juice into a glass and drinks it. As it contains Lynn's bacteria screaming as it goes down her throat, this causes her to get sick and drink the rest from the carton.]

"MOM! LANA'S DRINKING FROM THE CARTON!" [Lana coughs on her] "AND NOW SHE'S COUGHING ON MEeeeeee..." [gets sick too and moans]

"It's a free country, Lincoln." [stands next to Hugh] "We can stand where we want to."

[cuts in front of Lola] "I'm standing here!"

"The heck you are!"

[The twins start fighting by flailing their hands at each other.]

"You're blocking my view!"

"You're blocking my Hugh!"

[Flashback to Lana and Lola brushing their teeth.]

[voice-over] "You've got the faulty water pressure."

[Lana puts her mouth under the faucet, and turns the water pressure on, but nothing comes out. Lola is ticked off at Lana's uncouth method of rinsing her mouth.]

[leaving the bathroom] "Eh. I'll go borrow some water from Charles' bowl."

"Try to have a little digni-"

[As Lola was talking, the increased water pressure from the pipes breaks loose, spewing water onto Lola, flinging her into the trash can.]

[appearing very innocent] "Hey there, favorite big brother! Allow me to dive into that pile of smelly sweaty footwear and find your winter boots for you. "[curtsies, then dives into the pile]

[Lincoln looks on in confusion. Lola then emerges from the pile with two brown boots]

[gasps for air] "Here you are, good sir!" [puts Lincoln's winter boots on his feet] "Two big brother boots. Boy, these are stylish!"

[suspicious] "Okay, what do you want?"

[quiet voice with an evil grin on her face] "To get a good haul from Santa." [normal voice] "See, contrary to popular belief, I am no angel. So, if I'm going to get on Santa's nice list, I have one day to undo twelve months of naughty!"

[off screen] "You're wasting your time." [wheels in a whiteboard with equations as she comes on screen and begins pointing to sections with a candy cane] "Factoring in sleigh speed, time zone changes, and reindeer bathroom breaks, it is scientifically impossible for this so-called Kris Kringle to deliver gifts to the approximately one billion qualifying children. As you can see, X equals no stinkin' way." [bites into her candy cane]

[growls] "You're lucky I'm being nice right now!"

"LANA! STOP IT!"

"MAKE ME!"

"Sounds like a twin fight. This should be very educational."

[Lola and Lana are having a big fight in their room.]

"Alright, Clyde, what do you think we need here?"

[going through his notes] "Um... confidence?"

[Lincoln steps in and breaks up the fight between the twins who are dressed as a princess and a knight.]

"What seems to be the problem?"

"Lana's supposed to be guarding my Princess tower, not attacking it!"

"Now, Lana-"

"Aw, guarding is boring! Attacking is cool!" [attacks the tower made out of cushions with her toy sword.]

"Clyde, any guesses?"

"Um... caring?"

[nods to Clyde; to the twins] "I think I know a compromise that will make you both happy." [wraps a dirty old robe around him and attacks the tower.] "The evil troll is attacking your tower! Rawr!"

[bursting with excitement] "GET HIM!"

[They defend their tower from the big brother troll.]

"Nice! And once again, you didn't need the C-O-O-K-I-E-S."

[Despite his spelling, the twins realize...]

"THE TROLL'S GOT COOKIES!" [They attack Lincoln to get what they want.]

"I saw them!"

[holding them back] "Another tip: six-year-olds can spell."

[The fight resumes]

"I need-"

"-cookies!"

[lividly to Lana] "Oh, I snore, do I? HOW CAN YOU HEAR ME OVER ALL YOUR SLEEP-FARTING?!"

[Lori looks over on the other side of the balcony she's on, and sees that the neighboring room has its balcony door open. Inside the room, a knock at the door is heard. Lola answers it, and it's revealed to be the three guys from the pool earlier.]

"Yo, what are you guys doing in here? Fritz said this was our room."

"Well, Fritz was wrong. Bye, now."

[Lola closes the door, but Kyle puts his foot in the way, and pushes the door open.]

"Not so fast! Come on, boys!"

"Alright! Let's rage!"

[The three guys walk into the room, and begin to shout like crazy while music blares loudly from their boom box. The room phone begins ringing, and Lily answers it.]

"Goo?"

[The caller is once again revealed to be Leni.]

"Yes, La-ood family? This is Fritz at the front desk. Could you please keep it down? We're getting some complaints."

[babbles some incomprehensible dialogue]

"Well you sound just like my sister, Lily."

[Luna, Luan, and Lola ram the three guys out of their room with a couch.]

"And stay out, you stinkers!"

[It is nighttime in the house.]

"Lola! Did you take my Red Riot lipstick again?!"

[Opens her bedroom door] "No, but someone took my perfume. I bet it was Leni!"

[The door to the bathroom opens, where Leni is seen inside.]

"Was not! But I'd like to know who took my pink chiffon dress, Lori!"

[Lori, Leni, and Lola start arguing.]

"Where do you get off?!"

"You are literally the one always stretching out my sweaters every time you borrow them!"

"Fess up!"

"That's my scent! I can't let people associate it with you!"

"We can do this the hard way-"

[turns around] "Hang on, I smell my perfume!" [Sniffs up the pink scent leading her to Lynn and Lucy's room.] "LYNN! You'd better not be using my perfume to cover the stink of your hockey pads!"

[The three sisters gasp and the camera pans to show Lucy using Lola's perfume, Lori's lipstick and wearing Leni's dress.]

[curious] "What are you doing?"

"I-I-I... I thought if I'd be regular and normal, Rusty's brother, Rocky, would like me. Sorry I took your stuff. I understand if you're mad."

[stomps her feet] "You're darn right we're mad!" [Lucy is down; excited] "Mad you didn't let us help!"

"Yeah, we've been wanting to give you a makeover since like, birth!"

[comes in with a big cardboard collage of fashion models with Lucy's face plastered all over their own.] "I've been working on this Lucy vision board for years! Until now, it was just a fantasy."

[excited] "Wait, new cars smell like this? I had no idea! I don't know what's come over me, but I suddenly think it's time the Louds get a new minivan."

[Rita and the other siblings, except for Lola and Lana, enter the room, cheering in delight. Just then, the twins enter the room with a cardboard recreation of the van.]

"Lola and I have been working on a new song. It's called "Happiness is a New Van"."

"Can it. He already said yes."

"We've been practicing for four hours! SIT DOWN!" [Lincoln, feeling scared, complies] "And a one, and a two! A one, two, three, four!" [Scene ends before the song starts]

[The sisters gasp in horror]

[panicking] "Oh my gosh! What do we do? He's gonna take all our stuff!"

[slaps Lori with her glove] "Get it together, woman!"

"Thanks. I needed that." [threateningly] "But I'll get you back."

[notices and gasps] "That tiara is never supposed to touch the ground!"

"You're bad luck, Lincoln! You can't come!" [closes the doggy door on him]

[Meanwhile, at the park, Leni is watching the twins play in the sandbox and notices Clyde at the teeter-totter with a rock that he drew a picture of Lincoln on.]

"Hey, Clyde. Do you need a partner?"

"No, thanks. It's a me and Lincoln thing."

[to the rock] "Oh. Hi, Lincoln." [leaves]

"Here we go, buddy." [tosses the rock on the teeter-totter and gets catapulted right into the sandbox the twins are playing in.]

"YOU RUINED OUR SANDCASTLE!"

[They beat up Clyde for doing that and he checks this activity off the list. Leni is talking to the Lincoln rock while feeling a strain.]

"Lincoln, can you watch the twins? I have to go to the bathroom."

[Lynn Sr. heads back into the kitchen. Lincoln pulls out a coin attached to a string and begins swinging it side to side in front of his face.]

"What are you doing?"

"Self-hypnosis. Maybe I can make myself believe the wienerschnitzel tastes like ice cream."

[trying to steal Lincoln's coin] "Oh, I want ice cream! Move!"

[struggling to get his coin back] "Come up with your own coping mechanism!"

[As Lincoln and Lola fight for the coin, they accidentally knock the wienerschnitzel off the table. As it begins hurling towards the floor, Lynn Sr. notices it falling and dives towards it to catch it.]

"Just hurry up and make us famous!"

"We can't leave Lily alone in there. She's a ticking cuss bomb!"

"I'm willing to try anything." [holds up a doll] "This is my last dolly with hair!" [notices it's bald and gasps in horror.]

[wearing the doll's hair like a mustache.] "Relax. It grows back."

[furious] "NO IT DOESN'T!" [attacks Lana]

"I'd use my own hair, but-"

[nervously] "Uh, we kind of already quit for you."

[Flashback to the previous night. Lola is taking to the restaurant owner over the phone in a rather enraged manner.]

[shouting] "YOU LISTEN TO ME, BUB! NO ONE MAKES MY DADDY WASH DISHES! HE'S DONE WITH YOUR STINKY JOB IN YOUR STINKY RESTAURANT! AND ANOTHER THING-"

[Lola takes a deep breath, and yells out something so horrific over the phone, that it's obscured by the loud whirring of a hair dryer Leni is using. End flashback, and Lynn Sr. is horrified at what he has been told.]

[distraught] "Oh, dear."

"This is all your fault!" [moves her eyes toward a certain someone.] "I'm talking to you, Lincoln. I just can't lift my arm to point."

"Volunteering at a soup kitchen will look great on your résumé."

[furious] "You know what won't look great? ME IN A HAIRNET!"

"Gee, Daddy, if you got me a new engine for my jeep, I'd be the happiest little girl in the world."

"And I'd be her happy little grease monkey."

[infatuated by their cuteness] "Aw. How can I say no to my adorable little girls?"

[getting a manicure from Leni] "Tell me about it! It's not even funny! It's just obnoxious!"

"How about 20 Questions? Lola, you first. Person, place, or thing?"

"Person."

"Alive or dead?"

"Alive...for now. But he's pushing his luck!"

"I made cute shawls, who wants one?"

"I'd rather freeze my tushie off than be seen wearing n-n-napkins."

"Quod suz omnis earum miseria; Ego sentio compunctio…"

All of the flashbacks dissipate, one by one. Lola is starting to hemorrhage blood from all of the stab wounds. He begins to finish off the tyrannical princess. Stab 21 is directed to her forehead. He strikes true, as one could hear the squelching of bodily fluids and the rasping sound of knife hitting cranium. It's not enough force to break the skull, so he retracts the knife out painfully.

Stab 22 is to her genitals, hoping that she'd bleed to death. She didn't.

Stab 23 is directly to her heart. Before he's able to thrust his blade and pierce the vile creature's heart, she intercepts the blade and tries to fight back!

"How could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes, got nowhere to run…"

"Tunc cado, Lola Loud! Morior!"

She tries to hold back the attack as long as she can, but she succumbs to the blood loss inflicted by all of the shadow's prior gashes. Her grip slowly ebbs away as she glances at the moon one last time…

"I guess it's time for me to join you, isn't it, Leif?" She says as she can't help but chuckle, despite her impending death from exsanguination

 _ **"The night goes on as I'm fading away. I'm sick of this life, I just want to scream…"**_

 **SQUELCH!**

And the shadow lands the finishing blow. Penetrating her heart with one strike! It is done. The tyrant is dead!

 _ **"How could this happen to me?"**_

But our shadow isn't done with his revenge yet. He begins to eviscerate Lola's vagina, gouge out her ovaries, place them on Lola's corpse and stomps on them as hard as he can.

Now, he runs away from the crime scene, tossing his condom into a storm drain and running all the way to his house, where he begins to wash the blood off all his clothes. While he does that, he washes the blood off of the knife and his skin. He sees the box of condoms in his room, so he decides to chuck it into his furnace, along with his gloves, and burn away the evidence. Finally, he washes parts of Lola's ovaries off of his shoe.

* * *

His doorbell rings.

"(Shit. Did the police already find the body?!)"

"Uh, just one minute…"

The person removes all trace evidence of the crime he committed as he answers the door.

"Oh, hey Loni, what are you doing here?"

"Can't I show up and say hello to my brother. Say, nice place you got here…"

"Loni, why are you here?"

"Right, I just wanted to tell you, we think you should see a doctor. The seven of us agreed that the incident has changed you three. You're the only one who hasn't seen him yet."

"Ok, I'll see him tomorrow."

"Really, I thought you would have refused, saying there's nothing wrong with yourself. Geeze, and here I was thinking you'd actually murder Lola in some sort of misguided revenge scheme to avenge our brother. I should have more faith in you. Well, here's the location of the doctor. And brother, it's time to move on. What happened to our brother was horrible, but killing the person responsible won't bring him back."

"Yeah…I know, Loni…"

Loni leaves, leaving our murderer looking at his clothes.

"It looks like the clothes are done. Great thing I read an internet article about how to remove blood from clothes. That toothpaste trick really worked.

He goes on about his day as if nothing ever happened.

* * *

 **Preview**

"Yes. You know, my sister and our brother in law, Lincoln, loved reading comic books. One of the series they loved the most was Ace Savvy. It was about a superhero beating up bad guys. Since our broken system allows criminals to get off scot free, maybe we need a superhero of our own. Not one we deserve, but one we need."

* * *

 **Author's Note: The flowers Lola picked out for Leif and Alexa have some insight into what their personalities were like. For Leif, she chose field lilac, everlasting, iris and forget-me-not. In the Language of Flowers they mean humility, remembrance, I have a message for you and true love. The message was the arrangement of flowers. For Alexa, she chose blue acacia, elder, lotus, xeranthemum and allspice. In the Language of Flowers they mean friendship, zealousness, eloquence, cheerfulness under adversity and compassion. Lola also set down the flowers in that specific order on their graves. If you take the first letter of the flower names and put them together, they spell out Leif and Alexa, respectively.**

 **Do you remember the mantra, "the reverse of the Ides will even the sides"? Or are you wondering why this chapter's quote is "beware the Ides of March"? This references the infamous Ides of March in 44 B.C.E when Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by members of the senate (maybe it wouldn't have happened if he WAS the senate, I mean, he was already dictator over all of Italy at the time, but I digress). But why was Lola murdered on October 18? Surely this has nothing to do with the Ides of March. Well, remember that he says the REVERSE of the Ides will even the sides. March 15 is the 74th day of the year and there are 291 days left in the year. What is the 291st day of the year, and thus be the opposite, or "reverse", of the Ides of March? That's right, it's October 18! Shakespeare has retold the assassination of Julius Caesar as one of his plays, and we know that this person is a Shakespeare buff. He even stabbed her the EXACT same amount of times Caesar was stabbed, that being 23. He even shouts "Tunc cado, Lola!" which is reference to when Marcus Junius Brutus the Younger said "then fall, Caesar!", even though he never said this, he just fled the senate building after killing Caesar, this is probably a case of pareidolia, or the Mandela Effect, or both.**

 **"Quod suz omnis earum miseria; Ego sentio compunctio…", Lola's final line, is quite tear-jerking when it's translated. It says, "The moment of all their misery, I feel remorse". The "their" in the sentence is referring to the Loud family. You see, Lola only wants one thing, love. She doesn't think her family loves her, and who can blame her. I mean, she blackmails, extorts and beats up her siblings. Despite this, her siblings DO love her. The entire story is about Lola's redemption to try and regain her family's love and trust. She tries to atone for all the terrible stuff she's done to them over the years. This is why the stigmata is one of her items in chapter 19. Its item description originally just said "DMG up!" but to Lola, it reads "I bleed for forgiveness", a corruption on the phrase "I beg for forgiveness" (not that you'd know that since it was incorporated into the tear gun) as well as a stigmata being a mark of disgrace, this shows that Lola is a very broken individual. Originally, Superbia was the one to say this line, but I feel that the line would have more impact if Lola herself said it. Our Shakespeare buff would love this, as it is one of Shakespeare's favorite things, a tragedy.**


	28. Nettoyage Mental

**"Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You lookin' around and it's all scary and different, but y'know … meeting them head-on, charging into 'em like a bull — that's how we grow as people." -Rick Sanchez, December 2, 2013?**

 **Chapter Synopsis: Someone murdered Lola last night, and chief Rosato is going to find out who**

* * *

Well, someone found Lola's corpse the next day and called the police.

Meanwhile, the murderer took his brother Loni's advice and went to see a doctor, specifically a psychiatrist, to help clear his brother's suspicions and ease his grief over his brother's loss.

"Well Mr. Loud, I see that your brother, Loni, recommended you come visit me. He told me that his family is concerned about you and 2 of your other brothers handling your grief in a negative way."

"Mr. Acosta, we just want the justice system to mete out punishment to all the perpetrators involved with our brother's murder."

"I see, and if they're punished, what then?"

"We can get a sense of closure and move on with our lives."

"So, you don't think the case is closed until everyone involved has had justice dealt out to them.

"Yes. You know, my sister and our brother in law, Lincoln, loved reading comic books. One of the series they loved the most was Ace Savvy. It was about a superhero beating up bad guys. Since our broken system allows criminals to get off scot free, maybe we need a superhero of our own. Not one we deserve, but one we need."

"It takes a criminal to catch a criminal, you say? Because that's what vigilantism is. In their pursuit of justice, they become criminals themselves."

"I suppose…"

"You do realize that even if the criminals are arrested or killed, your brother won't come back?"

"Yes, Loni told me that before I came here."

"I think you need some time away from the case for you to deal with your loss. If you have any pictures of the victims or perpetrators, store them away or get rid of them, because looking at them will take you longer to move on."

"Thanks doc. But I have a few questions for you."

"What?"

"Why is there a packet of _McDonalds_ Schezuan sauce on your desk?"

"Oh, my former bosses gave me that once I left the network."

"Did people try to eat it?"

"Yes, I told them it's not for eating, it's to be on display for eternity, or until I get some McNuggets to dip it in, whichever comes first."

"So are you…"

"Yes, I'm THE Eric Acosta, former writer for the hit TV show _Rick and Morty_. Well, after the show ended, I became a psychiatrist. I guess the show helped me find my new job, too. Anyway, take my advice and I'm sure you'll be able to continue living life after the incident."

* * *

After leaving the presence of a living legend, our formerly distraught brother heads back to his house and turns on the TV. He sees a news broadcast starring his youngest brother, Leon.

"BREAKING NEWS! A homeless man found a dead body today…"

The murderer scoffs "So, what else is new? The homeless stumble upon corpses all the time."

The coroner has confirmed the identity of the deceased. It is none other than former child star, Lola Loud. Here with some more details of the crime is the Royal Woods chief of police, Jordan Rosato. So, what can you tell us so far, chief?

"According to our medical examiner, Mrs. Loud was stabbed to death. He has confirmed time of death to be October 18, 2046 at 10:24 PM. There are 23 stab wounds all across the victim's body. We can also say that she was raped during the attack and that the perpetrator had mutilated her genitals postmortem."

"And do you have any ideas as to who could have done it?"

"We have a few suspects…but that is all the information I have right now."

"Ok, we'll continue to update this story as new details emerge. This is Leon Loud with channel 12 news and now, back to your regularly scheduled program."

He turns off the TV. He takes Dr. Acosta's advice and stores away all of his precious family pictures and destroys the many copies of Lola's picture he's made. His house looks clear of all evidence tying him to the crime. Suddenly, his phone rings.

"Hey, remember when chief Rosato said she had a few suspects for Lola's murder?"

"Yeah?"

"She meant us, bro. She wants all of us to come into the station to clear our names."

"Alright, I'll show up."

"Good, I don't think that anyone of us could commit such an atrocity. You know, believe it or not, I actually liked Lola. She was one of the best sister in laws we had…and now she's gone…well, it's like you said bro. The cops won't rest until the perp is caught."

* * *

All of the Loud brothers and Loud sisters arrive at the police station, where chief Rosato and her squadron of police interrogate them.

"Ok, one of you is the one who murdered Mrs. Loud. No one leaves until we figure out who."

One of the pieces of evidence is that Lola was stabbed with a knife, who here has a knife?

"Uh, all of us do. In our kitchens." Lane skeptically replied

"Yes, but this knife in particular is a hunting knife with smooth edges. Do you have that in your kitchen, comedian?"

"Uh, no ma'am. None of us have a hunting knife in our possession."

"Ok, our second piece of evidence is a shoe print on Lola's corpse. If you'd be so kind…

They all take off a shoe and give it to the police. After a lengthy analysis, none of the shoes match the print left at the crime scene. The police hand the shoes back. The suspects put their missing shoe back on.

"Well, our third piece of evidence is this wood carving that was found near Lola's body. We believe it to be some sort of calling card."

All of the brothers jump back in shock, as they know what that is.

"My carving…"

Chief Rosato notices the person who said that and walks up to him.

"So, you are the one who made the carving?"

"Yes."

"So, do you admit to killing Lola Loud?"

HOLD IT!

"Lexx is innocent!" Chief Rosato turns and sees that Lana was the one to stop the interrogation

"Oh, and what proof do you have, Mrs. Loud?"

"An alibi. He was with me at our house during the time of the murder. We had a karaoke night."

"I can corroborate Lana's alibi, too." Lexx stated

"Then where did that carving come from?"

"Like I said, I made it. I gave it to Lola as a gift."

"When did you give it to her?"

"At approximately 9:16 PM, chief."

"That still leaves an hour and eight minutes before she died."

"Well, after we left Banger's & Mosh, Lola said she would go to the cemetery and pay her respects to our brother and their daughter. I offered to take her home after we finished our meals, but she wanted to visit him."

"Lexx…" Lana says pensively

"After that, I went to our house and had our karaoke night, as planned."

"Hey, now that you mention it, I thought I saw you two at the restaurant. We were supposed to play there on October 18." Luna interjects

"Why were you at the restaurant?"

"I'm the guitarist in the band Tainted Love, luv. My name's Luna."

"Well, Luna. Did you see Lexx and Lola while you were playing?"

"To be honest, I was more focused on playing the song."

"I see. What about alibis? Where were you guys during the time of the murder?"

* * *

"I was developing some headshots at my photography business."

"I was busy trying to solve mankind's problems, corroborate it with my fellow scientists."

"I was working at the mortuary, ask the groundskeeper."

"I was at home, trying to make a comic book to entertain the masses. Just like my childhood hero, _Charles Schulz_."

"I was at home, relaxing after an intense baseball season. We managed to make it to the World Series, after all!

"I was at the comedy club."

"I was at home, designing my own clothing line."

"I was at work. Corroborate it with my husband, Roberto."

"I had a news story to broadcast."

"I was helping NASA with their colonization project."

"I was writing angst filled fanfiction and watching "Supernatural" at my house."

"I was working quality assurance at a video game company."

"I was practicing sports at my house."

"I was helping my sister in law with her comedy routine."

"I was at home building an ultrasonic cannon."

"I was at my brother's house, trying to convince him to see a psychiatrist to help deal with our brother's loss."

"I was training for my next military assignment."

* * *

"Ok, our fourth and final piece of evidence is the most damning one of all. Behold!

Chief Rosato shows them an evidence bag with a single strand of hair.

"This hair was left by the perpetrator while they were killing Lola. As we all can see, it is a piece of blond hair.

Everyone gasps!

"So, that eliminates all brown-haired, white-haired, and black-haired Louds. Now let's look at our blond-haired Louds' alibis once more."

"Why don't you just take a DNA test from all the blond-haired Louds?"

"Because, processing 8 people's DNA will take a long while, even with a 100% accuracy rating, it might take a few days. Sorting through your alibies will be much quicker than that.

* * *

"Lily, where is your business Located?"

"On 1216 East Lincoln Avenue."

"Huh, that's close to your parent's house, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"How long did you stay there?"

"From 10 to midnight."

"Ok, Lexx and Lana are corroborating each other's alibi's."

She singles out an officer.

"You, find someone to corroborate their story."

"Yes, ma'am!"

He leaves.

"While we're waiting on him, Leni, you said you were working on making clothes, right?"

"Yes."

"Can you show me?"

"Sure. It's a work in progress, but…"

She pulls out half of a dress.

"This was what I was working on the night of the murder."

"And you just happened to carry that with you the whole time?"

"Yep, a fashionista is always prepared."

"Ok, I believe you."

"Alright, Lori. You said your husband can corroborate your alibi, so…"

She points to a second policeman.

"You, find Roberto Santiago and see if he'll corroborate her alibi."

"Yes, ma'am!"

He leaves to find Bobby. Meanwhile, chief Rosato gets a call. It's from the first policeman.

"Hey, I got word from their son, Landon, that Lana and Lexx were here. Their alibi holds up."

She hangs up.

"Ok, Leon? Have anyone who can say you're on air?"

"Um, my bosses and everyone who tunes into channel 12 news."

"I can confirm that, chief. I watch channel 12 news. He was on air on October 18."

"Fine, what about you, Loni?"

The police weren't ready for the knowledge bomb that Loni dropped on them. It pretty much solved the case for them!

* * *

"I suppose I should start at the beginning…"

"Where have I heard that before?" Chief Rosato remarked

"It started during your interrogation of Lola, Mrs. Rosato. While you were listening to her theory on how the crime unfolded, we were waiting with bated breath to see if you thought Lola was the killer. We had a debate outside our brother's house, or as you saw it, the crime scene."

"I'm telling you, Lola didn't do it."

"Oh please, she's infamous all throughout Royal Woods for being a bitch. I heard she even blackmails her family."

"No, she seems happier, I don't think Lola would do it."

"Lola Loud is many things, but a murderer is not one of them."

"She wouldn't hurt our brother."

"How do you know, Linka?"

"Because Lane, I could see it in her eyes. She was being sincere."

"No, I think you've been fooled, elder sister. Lola is a master manipulator."

"You're wrong, Levi."

"Doubtful, I'm a certified genius."

"I say we give her a taste of her own medicine."

"No, that will just break apart our family even more, Lynn."

"You're right, but we need the ones responsible to be held accountable for their actions."

Loni continued.

"We now know that Lola had nothing to do with the murder of our brother, and seven of us accepted that, but three of us believe that wasn't it. Loki, Lynn and Levi have thought up all these crazy conspiracy theories to implicate Lola in the murder, when in reality, Lyle acted alone. He was the sole perpetrator of the crime."

"Really? Like what?"

"The craziest theory I heard from them was that Lola masterminded the whole thing and manipulated Lyle's devotion to her to kill off her family in a proxy murder. It is the most asinine theory that they had come up with!"

"Right…"

"So anyway, I talked to the three of them and told them to get counselling, as they're only struggling to cope with the loss of our brother. I visited Levi, Lynn and Loki's houses yesterday to urge them to do so. They all complied, so I headed back to my house after I was done."

Chief Rosato's phone rings again. She answers it.

* * *

"Hey, chief. I managed to track down Roberto Santiago. He said his wife was with him all night. She stayed late to finish some paperwork, then she went back to their house for the night. That clears Lori."

She hangs up.

"So Loni, you said Levi, Lynn and Loki thought Lola abetted with the murder of Leif Loud?"

"Yes, that is correct."

"Well, Levi and Lynn have brown hair, and the crime scene sample is blond, so that clears them. So only Loki is left."

"Loki, where were you on October 18, 2046?"

"At my house, training for my next assignment."

"You have a military background, correct?"

"Yes."

"So, you could have easily killed someone?"

"If you think I killed her, I didn't. If I did, it would take only 1 stab, not 23."

"Fine, but the way she was attacked suggests a personal vendetta."

"I agree."

"You don't mind if I take a hair follicle from you?"

"Fine, because I know I didn't do it."

He hands a hair sample over to her.

"Alright, you are all free to go."

Everyone leaves.

* * *

Later that night…

"So, how's the DNA testing going?"

We're comparing the samples now…

"Scanning…determining genetic match…" The computer displayed

_ _ _ _ _ _ U _

_ _ _ _ _ O U _

_ _ _ _ L O U _

_ _ _ _ L O U D

L _ _ _ L O U D

Data match: 50%

L _ _ I LOUD

Data match: 75%

L O _ I LOUD

Data match:

…

…

…

100%!

LOKI LOUD

"Well, let's get him!"

A swarm of police approach his house. They bust the door down with a battering ram.

"Loki Loud, you are under arrest for the murder of Lola Loud. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford one, one will be provided to you by the state."

The police handcuff him and send him down to the station. He immediately said he was guilty and was happy he did it. He got an evil manipulator off of the face of the Earth, forever. He showed no remorse or guilt, just a sinister smirk that _Eddy's Brother_ would be proud of. His sentence? Life, of course. There's one last thing for them to do now…

* * *

 **Preview**

"Sigh, you can't see it, but I'm crying on the inside."

* * *

 **Author's Note: Originally, the quote for this chapter was going to be from the film Law Abiding Citizen.**

 **Not only that, in one of the earlier drafts of this chapter. There was an enigmatic man in white who would have assassinated Loki as he was being hauled off to jail. This person saw the news of Lola's murder and decided to take action. The state of Michigan can only imprison people for life, not execute them, since they abolished the death penalty. This person also knows both of the comedians and would have called Lane personally to say that he was the one to execute his brother. He also would have mentioned that he was a guest at one of the birthday parties Lane was entertaining at, though he's also been to some of Luan's parties, too. And no, Lane did not contract the man in white to kill Loki. The man in white did that all on his own accord, free of charge. But this idea was scrapped.**

 **Lily says her photography studio is on 1216 East Lincoln Avenue. This address is a combination of the Loud House's address, being 1216 Franklin Avenue, and the street that Loud House creator, Chris Savino, used to live, that being East Lincoln Avenue.**

 **Fun Fact: Eric Acosta has written more Loud House episodes than Rick and Morty episodes. The count is 6 to 2.**


	29. Simul Encore

"Well what did you expect in an opera, a happy ending?" -Bugs Bunny, July 6, 1957

 **Chapter Synopsis: The Loud siblings attend Lola's funeral**

* * *

"We are gathered here today to honor the life of Mrs. Lola Loud. Is there anyone who would like to say a few words?"

"She and my brother were inseparable."

"It was a strange chemical reaction, I'd compare them to argon fluorohydride. I guess opposites really do attract."

"I know the pain of losing a loved one. It was only a few months ago when we went here to bury our brother. Lola's sister supported me through my loss. Now, it's my turn to support her."

"Sigh, you can't see it, but I'm crying on the inside."

"I know that Lola would never do anything to harm our brother. I consider this a posthumous exoneration. Now everyone knows, Lola is truly innocent from this crime."

"Uh, we didn't really interact with each other that much, but she seemed ok to me. Well, until the incident happened. I still can't believe she had nothing to do with our brother's murder…"

"I actually visited her a few times. I heard the rumors that she was supposed to by evil, a manipulator, a tyrant or the reincarnation of Satan himself. Well, I actually visited her and she's extremely nice. She even tried helping me with my routine. You know, for someone who isn't well versed into comedy, she did come up with a few clever wordplays."

"Yeah, my bro made the right choice marrying her. She was always kind to him."

"She was one of the best sister in laws we could ask for."

"Without her, I wouldn't have fostered my passion for photography."

"I'll admit, even if it was without her consent, she did help me with some of my experiments, so I'll have to give her credit for that."

At last, it is time for her to speak. As the 12th person to speak up about Lola, Lana has to be expected to do nothing but orate odes of joy for her dear twin sister, but, how could she? Being polar opposites, they usually contrast against one another. As she slowly ambles over to the outdoor altar, she mentally rehearses her soliloquy, looking onward with a wistful pensiveness. She makes her way to the dais and manages to see Lola's body one last time. She looks so beautiful…yes, the mortuary cosmetologist did an amazing job making it look like she wasn't savagely slashed to death by a knife wielding lunatic. Lana gets up onto the dais and taps on the microphone to clear away any static interference. This will not be an oratory ode. No, it will be a requiem of reflection, nay, this is Lana telling the world how her twin sister, Lola Loud, one of the most infamous people in Royal Woods, Michigan, really acts! She begins her lecture. This is a lamentation for a Loud.

"Lola was my best friend. Now, I know what some of you are thinking, how could someone who beats you up on a near daily basis be considered a friend? Well, even though we argue a lot, we are still twin sisters, and we can work together to achieve our goals. I still remember when we got into the Bluebell scout troop, 30 years ago…but, I'm beginning to prattle off. I just want to say, we all miss you, Lols."

Tears start to well up in her eyes as she manages to finish her speech. She gets down from the altar's podium and heads back to her seat, Lucy is the next one to speak. Lucky number 13…as well as the Loud sister that Lola got along the least with. I wonder what she'll say…

"I know that we haven't gotten along well in the past, but believe it or not, I do regret not hanging out with you more. I know that not everyone is into macabre stuff like I am. It repulses most people, you included. But…did you think I didn't remember how badly you wanted to change me? Sigh, maybe I should have tried to understand you more. Well, don't worry, little sis. Now we have all the time in the world to catch up."

Creepy, but next up, and the 14th person to speak about Lola is none other than her own brother. Now, Lincoln has always gotten shafted in the Loud house hierarchy, but none of the sisters have even come close to Lola's vileness. She has blackmailed, extorted, assaulted and stole from her own siblings, and those are just the crimes that she can get arrested and thrown in prison for! Besides that, she's just generally an unpleasant person to be around…it's no wonder that him and the other sisters banned her from their secret's club. As he heads over to the dais, he ogles her corpse one last time, and remembers…she started to change. It was gradual, but all of the siblings noticed it on that faithful Tuesday…it was October 17, 2017… when Spunk E. Pigeon's had that sponsorship contest at their local library. Lola was acting like her belligerent, bellicose self, threating to destroy their chances at free pizza (which is serious business), so he had to be the one to make Lola read. He did succeed, but the contest ended a half hour before Lola was able to finish it, thus earning Lincoln the fury of his entire family, which is nothing new, he's used to being the punching bag of the family, even when it's totally unwarranted. Despite this, Lincoln still loves his sisters and they all still love him, even if it's not readily apparent. But then, something happened that made him question whether or not he was in a _Twilight Zone_ version of the Loud House. Lola reallocated the aggression of her family towards herself! It WAS her fault, so she does deserve it, but Lola committing an act of kindness toward anyone is unbelievably rare! Let alone to Lincoln, who she detests, at least, that's what it looks like to us. But that's not the end of it, she made at least 32 pizzas to make up for her costing them Spunk E. Pigeon (16 pepperonis, 16 pineapples (How dare she desecrate the holiness that is pizza by tainting it with pineapple! It's not even Hawaiian-style pizza, so there's no justification for this at all)). Probably a good thing too, since Spunk E. Pigeon looks like it could become the Loud House version of _Five Nights at Freddy's_! Luckily there haven't been any serial killers preying on children that lurk around there, from what we know. Unbeknownst to Lincoln, Lola's shift in kindness was partially because of him (and partially because she realized that she'd have more people that like her if she was nicer)! Lincoln gets on the dais and begins his recollection of how he sees Lola.

"Oh boy, where do I start? Lola has not been the kindest to me. She's the stereotypical spoiled brat who always gets her way. When she doesn't get her way, she makes our life a living hell until she does. She always bugs me during my me time (which you rarely get in a house filled with eleven siblings), to have a tea party with her (more often than not, there isn't even tea in the teapot), or for her to ask if she has too much mascara on (by the way, yes, she does wear too much mascara). I try to be the helpful big brother to her, only for her to stab me in the back once she uses me as a means to an end. I saved her pageant career and taught her how to read and she still treats me like trash. Yet despite all of this…I'd have to admit, she's starting to change. I believe it was when we formed our sibling secrets club. Despite all the pain and suffering she's put me through, she's still my sister and I still love her."

Lincoln, having aired out all his grievances and praises to Lola, steps down and heads back to his seat, letting the rest of this sisters talk about what they loved about Lola.

"I liked roughhousing with her, but then again, I love roughhousing with all my siblings. Don't let her dainty look fool you, she's actually pretty freaking tough to take down! I remember when a burglar was starting to rob our city, so I taught self-defense to Leni and Lola. Leni failed, but Lola… all I said was that our fake burglar stole her tiaras and she DESTROYED the mannequin! She even tore its arm off! Imagine if that was a real burglar! Also, when a hostile intruder (we found out later it was our dad, Leni locked him out of the house by accident) approached our house. Our eldest sister Lori panicked, so Lola bitch-slapped her to get her to calm down. That was awesome! And it showed me that Lola wasn't just some prissy princess, she was also secretly a badass!"

"Well, normally we don't interact much, but my relationship with Lola is mixed. On the one hand, she did give me a dollar, which, to be honest, I didn't expect her to do. But, Lincoln told me that she read my diary. I really can't tell if I have a positive or negative relationship with her."

"We don't really get along well. I usually just stay out of her way."

"I can at least say that Lola is the second most fashionable member of our family, aside from me, of course. She usually helps approve my designs and sees if a person would actually wear it."

"We get along great! We have similar personalities and like to be in control. Although she does steal my stuff from time to time. We also can't begin to understand the complexities of our brother. I usually don't care what Lincoln does most of the time, but Lola seems revolted by whatever he does. When he reads comics in his underwear, we don't really care that he does so. Even though it's disgusting, only Lola is bothered enough by this to actually confront him. Ah, we're going to miss you, Lola."

"Anyone else? No? Ok, it's time for the burial."

* * *

A pallbearer moves Lola's coffin over to the burial site and lowers it in. The morticians begin to fill up the hole with dirt until it's completely filled up to the top.

With everyone having paid their respects, they all leave. All of them, except for two.

"I couldn't save her. We swore that we would always protect each other."

"Hey, you didn't know about this. There's nothing you could have done."

"What kind of sister lets her younger sibling get killed?"

"No, don't say that! You're a great sister!"

"Am I? Both your brother and my sister are dead."

"I got through my grief, so I'll help you get through yours."

"Thanks. Us four will always be best friends, right?"

"Right."

The last two members leave the cemetery. But before they leave, one of them goes to the florist and gets some flowers to place on Lola's grave. She lays down the first flower, a lady's slipper.

"You know, some people think you are a horrible person…"

She places the second flower, an oleander.

"That you'd betray, blackmail, extort or manipulate them…"

She lays down the third flower, a larch.

"But I know your true colors…"

She posits the fourth and final flower, A sweet alyssum.

"These last two flowers describe the true Lola Loud, don't they, sis?"

The two remaining family members attending Lola's funeral leave. We see a quote etched into Lola's tombstone. It says:

 _ **J'ai adoré hors de dépit. Maintenant, l'amour est ma délice.**_

The camera pans up to the sun as the story ends. The book DiscordantHarmony426 was reading was closed.

"Well, that's the story. I still think Sycophant is the most popular one in my library, but I consider Sycophant and One Bad Seed the twin jewels of my collection. It was nice reading to you. I hope you come visit my dimension again someday. Well, until next time…goodbye."

* * *

 **Author's Note: The flowers the person set on Lola's gave were a lady's slipper, oleander, larch and a sweet alyssum. In the Language of Flowers, they represent capricious beauty (her volatile temper), beware (her being the most dangerous of the Loud siblings), boldness (her adamancy) and worth beyond beauty (her trying to atone for everything that has happened in the past). Of course, they were laid down in a specific order, so that they spell "Lola" when laid down.**

 **The quote on Lola's tombstone is French. In English, it translates into "I loved out of spite. Now, love is my delight". It references how horrible she used to be and how she's changed.**

 **The important act 1 chapters are in Latin, while the important act 2 chapters are in French. Here's what they mean and why they're named that.**

 **Chapter 2: Geminos; Latin for "Twins", it recalls the day that Lola and Lana met Lexx and Leif. 2 pairs of twins meeting each other, as well as it happening in Chapter 2. It must be fate.**

 **Chapter 8: Russian Roulette; It has the same name in Latin as it does in English. The reason it's named that is because Lola and Leif try to date at the Aloha Comrade Hawaiian-Russian fusion restaurant, and Lola has a bit of history with the owner, Sergei. Thus, she's playing Russian roulette, because Sergei could easily kick her out (and he does).**

 **Chapter 9: Duplus Crux Examen; Latin for "Double Cross Examination". In this chapter, Lola and Leif are interrogated by each other's respective parents (they found out they were dating). The interrogation is also styled after Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney.**

 **Chapter 13: Dyslexic Difficultatibus; Latin for "Dyslexic Difficulties". This chapter focuses on Alexa's synlexia (which is now dyslexia, thanks to Lola) and how Lola and Leif help her overcome it.**

 **Chapter 14: Unum Malum Pomum; Latin for "One Bad Apple". This chapter references the old adage "one bad apple spoils the whole barrel, as well as introducing us to the act one villain (and technically, the greater scope villain), Lola Loud's son, Lyle Loud! He's basically an even eviler version of Lola.**

 **Chapter 17: Egritudandum Quod Diabolum; Latin for "Diagnosing The Devil", this chapter has Lyle finally diagnosed by Dr. Jordan Koch, who finds that out that he is a narcissistic sociopath. Unlike his mother, who is narcissistic, but is actively trying to help people, Lyle doesn't care about anyone except his mother and sister, and he is apathetic at best and murderous at worst to people that aren't Lola or Alexa. Lola also has herself diagnosed and Dr. Koch confirms she has narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD, for short.**

 **Chapter 18: Quaestiendum Egomet; Latin for "Questioning Myself". This chapter was named this way because of the extremely long questionnaire that Lola had to answer before being subjected to the experimental NPD suppression treatment.**

 **Chapter 19: Inluvie Extenditur; Latin for "Afterbirth Extended", this chapter is one big shout-out/homage/reference to the Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth +, so of course it would be named "Afterbirth Extended". There is also a beta reason why it's named this way, too.**

 **Chapter 20: Vindicativa Iustitia; Latin for "Vindictive Justice". If you know Latin, then the title would be a spoiler. This is the chapter where Lyle enacts his vengeance for Leif raping Lola (even though that didn't happen, it's just Lyle's delusions) and murdering the bastard. The title also points out the vigilantism Lyle uses, because when he tried to tell the cops what happened, they didn't believe him, thus making him take matters into his own hands.**

 **Chapter 21: La Nuit De Misère; French for "The Night of Misery". This chapter deals with the immediate fallout of the LOL murders, and how the Loud siblings react to them.**

 **Chapter 22: Miséricorde De Une Sœur Jumelle; French for "Mercy of a Twin Sister", it was named this way because of Lana's kindness toward Lola after what had just happened 2 chapters ago.**

 **Chapter 23: Le Bouclier Blue; French for "The Blue Shield", This is a Lana-centric chapter, and it perfectly describes her. A person who would do anything to protect the ones she loves.**

 **Chapter 24: Innocence Perdue; French for "Innocence Lost". This chapter is about Lola trying to return to her life after the trauma the LOL murders caused her. It also shares it's name with a Pikmin 2 treasure, a Christmas tree star.**

 **Chapter 25: Procès Par Frères; French for "Trial By Brothers". In this flashback chapter, we focus on Lane's perspective about that fateful night and how he and six others were convinced that Lola did not abet Lyle in this crime whatsoever.**

 **Chapter 26: Si C'est Quelconque Consolation; French for "If It's Any Consolation". In this chapter, Lexx tells Lola what has happened to them ever since the crime happened and reassures her it's not her fault.**

 **Chapter 27: Coucher De Soleil; French for "Sunset". If you know French, this could be a spoiler. In this chapter, one of the brothers murders Lola as revenge for her abeting Lyle in the murder of Leif (again, that didn't happen, it's the murderer's delusion). It was named this way because Lincoln's nickname for Lola is Sunshine, thus sunset would be appropriate for the death of Lola.**

 **Chapter 28: Nettoyage Mental; French for "Mental Cleanup", this chapter consists of the murderer taking Loni's advice and airing out his grievances with legendary psychologist and former writer of the acclaimed TV show Rick and Morty, Dr. Eric Acosta! We also find out who murdered Lola, bringing this saga to a close.**

 **Chapter 29: Simul Encore; Latin and French combine to form this chapter's title, how fitting that the last chapter of the story has both. It means "Together Again". Lola and Leif are finally reunited once again, in death.**

 **Did you notice that every act 2 chapter was in French? Well, that's because all act 2 chapters are considered important.**

* * *

 **A scrapped idea was that Lola and Leif were originally going to get a dog. It would have been called Occi (pronounce "oh-see"), short for occidere, the Latin word for "kill". It was scrapped because Lyle would have to kill Occi first, which would alert Leif that an intruder would be in the house, so he'd run away. Lyle would also have to kill Occi so that he wouldn't attack him while Lyle is busy murdering Leif. If the dog did survive, Lola would have visited Lincoln after the LOL murders and Occi would have murdered Lincoln (Occi confused Lincoln for Lyle, they have the same hairstyle, he doesn't attack Lola because Occi recognizes her as his owner.) by tearing his throat out. These reasons are why this concept was scrapped.**

 **There are also 3 scrapped chapters. The first one was titled Creative Differences, and would have used the original plan of Leif and Lola dropping off Alexa with Leni while they went to work. It's a calming chapter with nothing major happening to the plot. It's just Alexa hanging out and bonding with Leni. It was scrapped because Alexa and Lyle would meet the rest of the Loud family in chapter 15. The second one is titled Poursuite Du Bonheur, meaning "Pursuit of Happiness" in French, this was the original chapter 24 and Innocence Perdue would have been combined into it. After leaving Lana's house, Lola decides the only way to be happy again would be to consult an expert in happiness, luckily she knows just the woman to help her out! Unfortunately for Lola, she finds out that her expert has died. It was cut out because it didn't fit into the timeline. The third one is titled End of an Era, and takes place in 2060, it follows 3 new characters and their commentary about the Loud family. The 3 character's names are revealed to be Laura, Len, and Lila. It would have a mockumentary feel, as Lila is supposed to be recording this. We would have seen Lincoln again, though he'd act very different, seeing as he would be 55 years old at this time. He talks about how great their mother was, and the final shot would be of Lila turning the camera to show herself, and we'd see that Lila looks like the spitting image of Luan! It was cut out because it wasn't technically a part of One Bad Seed, as that is Lola's story, and this chapter would be a Lincoln/Luan story.**

* * *

 **Chapter 19 is pretty long, but it was going to be even longer. Originally, after Lola finished the NPD suppression therapy, she'd go home and go to sleep. In her dreams, she'd have a Yu-Gi-Oh truel against Lyle and Leif. Lola and Leif would team up to take down Lyle, but if Lyle defeats one of them, they'd both lose. It was cut out for being unnecessary padding, but here is the first turn of the truel.**

 **"Welcome to your doom, mom. I see that you imagined that loser here."**

 **Lola glowers at Lyle.**

 **"Ok, how about this then?"**

 **3 duel disks materialize onto their arms.**

 **"Huh? What's this?"**

 **"Serious business, now, seeing as you've played the Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth +, lets have a competition, you vs me vs him. But if he loses, you also lose, agreed?"**

 **"Fine."**

 **The truel begins, all players draw 7 cards and have 3000 LP.**

 **"Alright mom, I'll let you have the first turn."**

 **("I sure hope I remember how Linky did this...")**

 **"I play this Vis card, in attack mode."**

 **Lola summons a Vis, which has 250 ATK and 250 DEF.**

 **"Next, I play the Posthumous + spell card and equip it to my Vis!"**

 **The Vis transforms into a Scarred Double Vis, which has 200 ATK, and 220 DEF**

 **"Now, Scarred Double Vis, Attack Lyle's life points directly!"**

 **The Scarred Double Vis shoots out a 4-way brimstone beam at Lyle.**

 **Lyle LP: 2800**

 **"I also play the Lilith hero card, in defense mode!"**

 **Lola summons Lilith, who has 600 ATK and 300 DEF.**

 **"Lilith starts with Box of Friends, which allows her to copy any familiars she has. I use it to duplicate her Incubus!"**

 **"Now, Dual Incubi, attack Lyle's life points directly!"**

 **The two incubi shoot at Lyle.**

 **Lyle LP: 1600**

 **"I lay one card facedown and end my turn."**

 **"Ok, I summon Isaac in attack mode."**

 **Leif summons Isaac, who has 300 ATK and 300 DEF**

 **"Next, I equip the 20/20 to Isaac."**

 **Isaac: 600 ATK, 300 DEF**

 **"Next, I equip the Bible to Isaac."**

 **"I lay down one card facedown and end my turn."**

 **"Ha, my turn!"**

 **He shows a card with a red pentagram amidst a black background, a very powerful card!**

 **"I start by playing Abaddon on myself! By sacrificing all red heart HP, as well as 6 of my cards in my deck to the graveyard, I can replace it with 6 black hearts! It also grants me power bonuses!"**

 **Lyle LP: 6000**

 **Lyle starts turning into a black bestial form that looks satanic.**

 **"Next, I play Monstro in attack mode!"**

 **He summons Monstro, who has 2000 ATK and 2500 DEF**

 **Lyle holds up a card with a razor on it.**

 **I activate the card Blood Rights! By sacrificing 500 life points, I deal 400 damage to everything on the field, including you!**

 **"Not so fast! I activate Holy Mantle, which blocks your Blood Rights!"**

 **A straightedge razor slices Lyle in a "Z" fashion, it then does so to everyone else. Everything on Lola's side of the field is protected by the Holy Mantle, which absorbs the hit and fades away.**

 **Lyle LP: 5500**

 **Leif LP: 2600**

 **The Blood Rights destroyed Leif's Isaac, dealing 300 more life points in damage!**

 **Leif LP: 2300**

 **"I lay 2 cards facedown and end my turn!"**

 **By now, you've heard about the LOL murders. I know that most people think LOL means "laugh out loud", but in this story it means "loss of life", or 'loss of love" (loss of love is more canon, though, so that's what I use)**

 **Well, that's the end of the story, I hope you enjoyed it.**


End file.
